Homeless Dude Steals Auburn’s Laptop…WHAT?

by user LastRow

There is some really great news that has come out of Columbia, South Carolina in regards to the stolen Auburn laptop computer that seemed to vanished into thin air last week as the Tigers were preparing to play the Gamecocks (who doesn’t love saying that mascot name), at the team’s hotel. Yes, contrary to popular belief that the laptop just vanish…Turns out it was hoisted from the offensive meeting room while players and coaches stood around following dinner on the eve…Right under everybody’s noses if you will. Funny, aren’t coaches supposed to be so anal about shit (no pun intend)? Yet, this happens? I guess this might explain how some of those Independent Study classes & the Nutty Professors just happened to slip by too. You guys aren’t too quick down on the plains.

Getting back to the person that was charged in the laptop swipe…It’s just you typical 53-year old homeless man. Yes, you heard me right…Homeless Man. Believe me peeps, I couldn’t make this kind of shit up on my own! WTF! A homeless steals a laptop computer…I’ve heard a lot of things, but this ranks right up there. The hoister, Michael Stockman was arrested and charged with grand larceny after a resident recognized him from surveillance video aired on television. I’m guessing it aired on America’s Funniest Home Videos? Not only did a homeless dude get charged with grand larceny, for some unknown reason he’s in the market to get a new laptop computer. Maybe to keep track of all the vacancy all over the city…You know various park benches, under trees, in dumpsters, back alley’s. Those kind of things. Now granted, laptops can run on batteries, but when it dies and needs to get recharged…This means electricity is needed. Seeing that he’s homeless wouldn’t you think this would be a difficult task to accomplish? Or was that his next plan…To get out some jumper cables and connect them to his brand new laptop to see if tha would work?

The question that must not go unnoticed here is what was Mr. Stockman doing roaming around inside the Columbia Plaza Hotel…Perhaps that’s how they roll in the hospitality industry in Cock Country? Just let homeless people walk in & out of hotels and think nothing of it? I’m just guessing the response from the hotel would be “But we had no idea”…And Albert Haynesworth meant to stomp on Andre Gurode’s hand, but missed right. Oh, he had a reservation there too. Hell of a homeless guy…One would think he might be more suited to make a reservation at a place dubbed “HOTEL” or “MOTEL”, (we’ve all seen these…A place for Good Cheap Lovin right off the beaten path). Now Stockman, this homeless guy is living the posh life…A laptop, a room booked at the Plaza Hotel.

Thing is while the perpetrator has been apprehended, the laptop as of yet hasn’t. Auburn Coach Tommy Tuberville said the laptop, that held the team's offensive game plan, is worth $15,000. Um, Tommy, please don’t blow smoke up our asses here…There aren’t any laptops on the market today worth $15,000. Why, freaking these Hi, Sir-Fi, LCD, Plasma, HMO, Wi-Fi televisions, whatever the hell the guy at Sears is trying to sell me are only $4,000. The Sony Store only tries to rape you to buy one of their televisions directly from them for $7,000…And that’s a 70 incher. So excuse me while I take a fire extinguisher to my ass and try to put out the fire you just tried to light up it. What, just because it “held the team's offensive game plan”, that’s why it’s so valuable? Um again, Tommy, your offensive isn’t that good by no means that good…You might be second or third in the nation, (whatever the polls sugguest) but your playbook isn’t worth that! I’m sure you can just find another one, sure you can…Why professors at Auburn love the football team. I bet they’d be willing to help out AGAIN! I just wonder how much Stockman got for it at a local Columbia Pawn Shop…Did he get market value from Steve Spurrier? Did the ole’ ball coach rat out Stockman after losing last Thursday night…Here’s some things to make you go, hmmmm?

According to police, Stockman didn't know the laptop belonged to the Tigers. Imagine that, another criminal (one of the homeless variety this time) didn’t know whom he was stealing from…Go figure. Hey buddy, I know you might not be used to being around & living in “normal society/civilization”, but if something’s just sitting there unattended with nobody around, that does mean it doesn’t have an owner. See, that’s what we refer to as stealing, but I guess you found that out the hard way now, didn’t you. Well one good thing that came out of this bud, you’re no longer homeless. Nope, you have a nice new 8 x 10, with a bed (if you’d call it that), a toilet (that is if you’re lucky), and a roof over your head…A place to call your own (if you don’t have to share with you new roommate Bubba), no more digging through garbage trying to find scraps of food….At this new place, they’ll cook you fresh, hot meals (of some substance) 2-3 times a day. Looks as if things turned out quite nice for you! Enjoy the slammer lifestyle…It’s certainly a downgrade from the Columbia Plaza Hotel, but definitely an upgrade to what life use to be like…YOU”RE NO LONGER HOMELESS AND NO LONGER HAVE TO BE WORRIED ABOUT BEING ATTACKED BY DAMN TEENAGERS…ALTHOUGH BUBBA, WELL WITH HIM, HE TENDS TO LIKE TO ATTACK FRESH MEAT!!

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Date

Wed 10/04/06, 4:24 pm EST