Headlines of the NFL Preseason so far
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by user LastRow
Rule of thumb…The NFL preseason is supposed to be quiet with little news making stories as team prepare to kickoff the season. Well, we can throw that theory out the window for this 2006 edition of preseason football. Why we’ve already had numerous newsworthy headlines out of several camps already and we’ve only gotten half way into the preseason. I wonder if the guys on NFL Live get paid for overtime since it’s only the middle of August and there’s so much to report on? Check out some of these headlines from the beginning of training camp.
July 26: "Unhappy Porter wants out of Oakland"…Doesn’t everybody?
July 27: "There’s Something Wrong with Curtis Martin’s Knee, but we don’t know what"…Must be the finest doctors New York has to offer?
July 28: "Branch is a no-show"…Branch begins his disappearing act from Pats camp. Who’s Mr. Golden Boy going to throw to now?
July 29: "Panthers WR Smith injures left hamstring"…Finally the Chicago Bears can cover this guy.
"Roethlisberger back on the field"…Nice Job putting Humpty-Dumpty back together…And yes, helmet was in hand.
"Owens gives Dallas fans thrill at first practice"…Hope Tuna, J.J. & fans got a good look. Thus beginning the She-O dilemma in Big D…Can’t even make it to the regular season.
July 30: "Bush agrees to six-year deal with Saints"…So much for re-entering the 2007 Draft. And monkeys fly out of my ass.
July 31: "Saban turns down invite from President Bush"…It’s not good to be President Bush these days.
"Finneran out for season with knee injury"…Sorry Michael Vick, may the struggles continue for you in Hotlanta and the West Coast offense.
Aug. 1: "Giants TE Shockey suffers mild concussion"…See now, that’s what happens when one calls his coach an "asshole".
Aug. 3 "T.O. misses practice with sore left hamstring"…Thus beginning his training for 2007 Tour de France. Somebody has to replace Floyd Landis & represent the U.S., although who’s worse? Pick your poison here.
"QB Roethlisberger says he's ready to play"…Please wear a helmet. Those defensive ends & linebackers almost hit as hard as a senior citizen driving a Chrysler.
Aug. 4: "NFL officials get a stylish new look"… Coming this fall to an NFL stadium near you, fashion-forward referees. Thanks for giving us another reason to hate you guys.
Aug. 5: "Six new faces inducted into Hall of Fame"…"REG-GIE, REG-GIE". That andwho knew John Madden was married? Plus, Troy Aikman came out of the closet by showing us that he really isn’t a guy…Congrats, Troy.
"Eagles and Raiders to open NFL preseason"…Enough said. That and welcome back from the dead.
Aug. 8: "Dolphins sign first-round pick Allen"…Only Matt Leinart still left unsigned, but hey what do you want? He’s Mr. Hollywood.
Aug.. 9: "Former draftee Clarett arrested after chase"…Say hello to the newest member of the Mean Machine. Nelly had to retire.
"Pats' Bruschi breaks wrist, will miss preseason"…This is news since coach Gray Sweatshirt actually told us what the problem really was. "Redskins rookie found unconscious"…Sorry, I can’t say anything about this.
Aug. 10: "Titans rookie White gets into camp brawl"…Can’t anybody play nice without spitting?
Aug. 11: "Cards, fans eager to check out 'cool' new dome"…No more "dry" heat.
Aug. 12: "Saints QB hurt by collision with mascot"…No Capital One Mascot of the Year award for T-Rex.
Aug. 13: "Seau set to retire after 16-year career"…What, can’t do it anymore without the "juice"?
"Redskins' Portis leaves with shoulder injury"…Which is a bigger fall: Portis’sfantasy stock value or the life of Maurice Clarett? Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
"Leinart agrees to terms with Cards"…See what happens when Dennis Green gets pist off.
Aug. 15: "Suggs fails physical, goes back to Cleveland"…Welcome home, we missed you.
Aug. 16 : "Vikings' Robinson arrested on DWI charge"…Don’t care how much alcohol you got in your system, or how fast you have to drive, you better not miss 11 o’clock curfew damn it
After typing all this I think I just gave myself carpal tunnel syndrome…Aw, nothing a couple of ice cold beers can’t fix. Of course, they’ll be Mich. Ultra’s…Got to watch the figure for the ladies
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Date
Wed 08/16/06, 7:14 pm EST
