Getting Oral
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by user Manny Stiles
There are two definitions of the word Oral. The first, primary meaning is "uttered; spoken" and the second meaning "of or by the mouth". So this relates to BOTH definitions, you sickos!
Hey, I think Tim Duncan is the best basketball player on the planet today (Yes, Kobe, Yes MJ, yes, Dr Manyrings, this includes you guys too). I've said it for a few years now, look it up. TD has amazingly long arms, fast hands (he catches everything) and a super soft touch around the basket. At roughly 7 feet tall, his skill set is less frequent than once-a-generation.
That being said, Timmy gets the verbal love almost non-stop whenever the Spurs are on a national TV game. Whenever the TV color guy (usually a former player that played with and spent itme in the lockerroom with Duncan) let's call him Steve... No! Jon for argument's sake... and for argument's sake, instead of playing with TD let's say his brother plays for the Spurs currently - just for fun. Or we can say the TV color guy is a just recently former-ized head coach named Jeff that has spent HOW MANY hours in his life preparing to play specifically against TD that he fails to see TD for what he is. Plus, for argument's sake, let's say his brother looks like half of Ron Jeremy's stunt double... Anyway, it's not important because they all have their reasons...
Then they start assessing or analyzing his play. It all sounds like this to me:
"Hey that Tim Duncan. What a player! I wish he'd come over here so I could felate him right now. Yup. That's right Tim; right over "man crush" stage, into the "I just want to pleasure you endlessly" stage. That's what I think of you, Tim Duncan. Ooh, such Amazing 'post' play, your coverage down low, your backdoor penetration. Who wouldn't want to play with a guy like that, Jimmy?"
Then Jimmy*, the play-by-play guy who got "sucked" into it by the numbnuts who don't do this "entertaining the people who listen to your dumb ass" thing for a living always comes in with something like:
(*named changed from Mike Breen to protect the easily "sucked" in, although it could be just about any play-by-play guy)
"Yeah, you can see why he commands so many double teams! I mean... he has such a soft touch around the rim."
Jon surreptitiously kicks in... "No one can handle Tim Duncan down low by themselves."
Then it inevitably goes too far...
"Yes, Timmy... you can bankshot one off of my glass!"
Can someone call a double dribble violation on these guys? I mean seriously. The worst part is they go on and on like we DON'T know Tim Duncan is one of the planet's best, we need to be reminded apparently.
So in lieu of this new pondermeant, I suggest calling this phenomenon "Getting Oral"
"Getting Oral"
...in pure definition is not to be considered good or bad. It's not something that's deserved or not. It's just something that occurs. A person with a microphone and a camera nearby can only compliment a person so far before they get to the point where physically satisfying the subject is all that's left. A player does well, the announcers blither-blather and pores on profusely until you're screaming at the people at work inside your favorite soul-snatching inanimate object (The TV):
"ENOUGH; just go blow the guy (away) already!"
I think it might happen EVERY game in fact, or at least all the games with crappy announcers. The best player in the game makes the kind of play best players tend to make and then "blah-slobber-blah-drool-blah-blah-kissyface-blah" about said player through the next three sequences of play ALL of which were incredibly interesting to YOU, but not the knobpolishers and bonesmugglers on the microphone. Nooooo...
DOESN'T this help to explain the "Tim Duncan face/hands behind the head thing...?
When the action stops, they cut to commercial. But before they go, they always wrap it up with a video replay of some action in that previous segment. Well, because 7 of the 11 minutes of TV time was spent with TD "Getting Oral", the moron in the truck runs the TD clip that initiated the Oral instead of the 3 amazing plays that occurred while Oral was taking place.
This just needs to end. Call the game, not a moment in the History of Humanity by declaring a person's Greatness. Afterall, their just a person like us that eats, sleeps, shits and has the same tribulations of the Human Condition as we do. They just Get more Oral...
Sometimes the Oral gets ridiculous. I know some people will close their minds and refuse to hear me out here, but Cal Ripken Jr playing so many freeking games in a row wasn't REALLY worth the slobbering that was doled out. Streaks are bogus feats. I'm not saying they're unimpressive, I'm saying they are mostly luck. And for the millionth time: I'll take the guy who plays great 8 or 9 out of 10 games and has a crappy game or misses a game every so often over the guy who does just enough to maintain a streak. (56 game hitting streaks are even MORE bogus)
Again, Cal Ripken Jr is a fantastic human being. Has done a ton for his community and has touched millions. And yeah, he hit a Home Run in the game on top of it. Just like he hit a home run 430 other times. But there really were 17 other guys on the field 2,030 other times that made it possible for Cal to beat another fantastic human's record... let's hear about them, too.
And of course, there are times where the Oral Love is commanded. I remember back to my dropped-out-of-college days when after a few rounds with Barry Bongs in the basement, I was having a religious experience during a Chiefs game. I wasn't sure if the announcer Giving the Oral was talking about:
Joe Montana, Chiefs Quarterback, 3-time Super Bowl MVP, or
Joe Montana, GOD, creator of all, taking time from his busy schedule balancing all the alternate realities in human form living out it's dreams as a BIG TIME QB on the big stage...
BUT the Chiefs did win on an amazing game and it was directly because of Bird Legs that they won, who wasn't bothered much and then went to his room to masturbate.
Don't get me wrong, don't misinterpret. This is not an expose on human sexuality. This is not a rip on Tim Duncan or Cal Ripken Jr. or Joe Montana. I'm a fan of each. It's not their fault that Television Announcing as an art form has yet to move beyond it's Archaeic Period. It's not their fault that their platform vaulted them to being percieved as "better than human".
It probably started with Babe Ruth (although the seeds were laid in the days of King Kelly). Ruth was the REAL Paul Bunyan. He carried 40oz and 38 inches of dangling fury in the batter's box (and there's lots of documented evidence that he hit more "Home Runs" from the "other" batters box at home with a teeny weeny bat!). He was a hero, bigger than human. We to this day continue to hold him greater than he was. We knowingly/wishingly lie and Give Oral to dead people and we don't even mind.
Evidence: Everyone points to Ruth as a hero to kids and such a caring guy, etc. I'm not saying he wasn't but let's get somethings straight. Ruth was a being with a TREMENDOUS appetite. He spent little time thinking of anything other than devouring some "tasty dish", afterall he was a man underneath it all. They point to Ruth hitting the 2 Home Runs for the sick kid in the hospital. "That Ruth was a HERO!" they 'Orate'.
The following season after Ruth's well-documented 'HRs for the sick kid' thing, in Spring Training little Jimmy Happenblap's (or whatever his name was) Dad hung around to meet Babe Ruth (who was standing with some other players )and tell him of how much it meant to his family. He came up to Babe and said "I'm Jimmy Happenblap's Dad and I just wanted to tell you thank you and that it meant so much to our family."
Babe retorted "How is little Jimmy?"
Jimmy's Dad nervously returned "He's all better and doing fine Babe, again thanks!" and he excitedly walked away. Ruth turns to one of his buddies and says:
"Who the funk is Jimmy Happenblap?"
THAT'S why we should be giving Babe the Oral. Not the B.S. glorified miracle worker crap, just the fact that Ruth was a dude. He wasn't bigger than life, he was just robustly alive and loved it when soemone was along for the ride. Think of how many people he helped by becoming the first voice box recipient after losing his voicebox to cancer... (did his habit of smoking a cigar per each round of sex have anything to do with that?)
Of course he was great to kids. A) he was one, B) are you supposed to beat the crap out of kids when the cameras are rolling and snapping? No, that's why you always see how good he was to kids. I bet he was better to the kids with the hot Moms... (just saying).
He didn't think about nothing more than his appetites. He wanted some good grub and lots of tang to wash it down with; just living the American Dream. He was the Great American Dream in person. He probably deserved the Oral he got. But if he was here today, he would have never made it to the bigs, would have been made into a lefty middle relief specialist OR if he did or would have been destroyed by feminist groups, tabloids, anti-tobacco advocates, the Streetwalkers Union and PETA.
On the plus side he probably would have kicked Kobiyashi's ass at the Nathan's Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating contest, but on the negative side would have been given the Tim Hardaway/Don Imus/Michael Richards treatment after wrapping a burly half hug around Kobiyashi and saying "My good little buddy Takeru here is one hungry little Nip" in the post-contest interview...
Michael Jordan got his fair share of Oral too. Hell, his gear, style and essence got plenty of Oral for LOTS of people, even his imitators - see: Harold Miner, Kobe Bryant, Bugs Bunny (but apparently not that Allen Heckard guy). I'm still surprised Nike never made a Jordan Brand Sandal and called it Air Jesus. They could have included a Mary Magdalene wig for washing your feet after wearing them. (Manny usurps Larry Bird with MJ as Jesus, makes Allen Heckard reference, banks it off the Mary Magdalene obscure reference, nothing but net!)
Let's not remind of us all the things NON basketball Jordan did, many of which were not Oral-worthy. Point is, human is human. It's ok to be GREAT at something very particular and have people admire you for it, but true GREATness doesn't need to be talked about... especially at the cost of recognizing the impact of the current moment.
For most people, wanting to Give Oral touches us in our human existence. Fame, glory, fanship that delves into worship... the energies and forces behind these correspond very closely with sexual desires and conquest. You're either giving it or getting it.
But you, Mr. and Mrs. Announcers... We, the fans are only listening to you because we are watching. And because every nationally televised event is monopolized, we have little choice but to watch your specific broadcast. Until we have broadcasts like we're AT the game with NO announcers, Full crowd noise and in game mics with NO CENSORSHIP please - we know that pro athletes and sailors curse already... it's widely accepted (and why flood the lip reading market talent pool?)
There's nothing wrong with fans giving oral, that's what fans do best (it's well known that you can find World-Class Oral Giving non-stop all over the Bronx) but announcers aren't fans. They are messengers. Tell We the audience who aren't where you are and can't feel what you're feeling and can't hear what you're hearing, smell what you're smelling (if a player farts I want to know dammit!) or sense what you're sensing; tell us what's going on!!! That's your job. If we want crappy opinion we'll fabricate our own!
So until the glorious day that I give out all hope on pro sports, we get a TRUE fan's experience at home or You Damned Announcers learn to ease up on Giving Oral, I'll just keep needling the AM dial and hoping the Givers of Oral there do it the right way... with A LOT less words.
In the meantime, I've gotta go dry my TV off...
