Fun with CBS Sportsline Player Updates Headlines

by user Pean

These are actual headlines from player news updates from CBS.sportsline.com for Randy Johnson, Chien-Ming Wang, R.A. Dickey, Alex Rodriguez, Kerry Wood, Albert Pujols. and Bartolo Colon. They are not made up. The phallic references are just out of control. I swear they do this on purpose.

Randy Johnson

• Big Unit ready to defy age, odds (2/17/06)
• Johnson jacked up for finish (9/21/05)
• Big Unit kicked out Friday (9/16/05)
• Unit ain't all that of late (8/23/05)
• White Sox pound on the Unit (8/21/05)
• Big Unit feels good (8/18/05)
• Big Unit still up in air (8/14/05)
• Unit ready to roll on Tuesday (7/25/05)
• Big Unit knocked around (7/2/05)
• Unit solid vs. Mets (6/27/05)
• Too much rest for Unit? (5/23/05)
• Big Unit brings his 'A' game (5/16/05)
• Big Unit beaten by Devil Rays (4/20/05)
• Big Unit gets hammered (3/30/05)
• Angels have interest in Big Unit (7/9/04)

Chien-Ming Wang

• Wang looks sharp Thursday (3/16/06)
• Blue Jays blast Yankees' Wang (3/6/06)
• Yanks want Wang in their own camp (2/9/06)
• Wang to stick in Yanks' rotation? (9/21/05)
• Yanks' Wang saves rotation spot? (9/20/05)
• Wang has 'long way to go' (7/27/05)
• Yanks' Wang on exercise program (7/21/05)
• Wang sparkles in Sunday's start (7/3/05)
• Rays blast Yanks' Wang (6/24/05)
• Wang to stick in rotation? (6/6/05)

Alex Rodriguez

• A-Rod to hit in 2-hole (3/4/05)
• A-Rod ready for action (8/19/04)

Kerry Wood

• Wood remains stoic (6/24/04)

R.A. Dickey

• Angels punish Dickey (3/16/06)
• Dickey is feeling better (6/21/04)
• Dickey gets rocked (6/13/04)

Albert Pujols

• Pujols gets tossed in first inning (08/28/05)
• Pujols quietly heating up (4/25/05)
• Pujols an irrepressible force (4/13/05)
• Pujols opens with two hits (4/5/05)
• Pujols continues to sizzle (6/2/04)

Bartolo Colon

• Colon might be cleared for WBC (2/25/06)
• Colon flushed by Royals (4/11/05)
• Colon stretches himself out some (3/27/05)

Sources

• http://chsal.baseball.sportsline.com/players/playerpage/7762
• http://chsal.baseball.sportsline.com/players/playerpage/382868

Date

Fri 03/17/06, 10:16 am EST <pageTools></pageTools>

Anonymous Fanatic #1

1354 days ago

Score 1

ha ha

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PeanMajor Leaguer

1354 days ago

Score 0

I would want my Wang in my own camp at all times

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DNLLegend

1354 days ago

Score 0

It's hard to _not_ make a phallic reference when a guy's name consists of "Randy," "Johnson," and nickname of "Big Unit." Maybe he should be forevermore refered to as "Tall ugly guy with mophead hair."

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MetsJetsDevilsDraft Pick

1354 days ago

Score -59

Wow, high school spring break must be this week. Just go out and buy a "Big Johnson" t-shirt and stop wasting our time.

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PeanMajor Leaguer

1354 days ago

Score 0

sorry if you have no sense of humor

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Anonymous Fanatic #2

1354 days ago

Score 1

that just cracked me up. not everything on here has to be serious.

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Anonymous Fanatic #3

1354 days ago

Score -1

yeah, its Friday, and St Paddys Day! Lighten up!

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Patrickburke1980All-American

1354 days ago

Score 3

i can't believe a MetsJetsDevils fan has such a negative outlook.

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Awrigh01All-Star

1354 days ago

Score 3

Just remember guys: Dickey and is feeling better, and the Angels have interest in Big Unit. Those dirty Angels.

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DNLLegend

1354 days ago

Score 2

Wow, MetsJetsDevils with a -6 comment score. That could be a record!

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MetsJetsDevilsDraft Pick

1354 days ago

Score -42

Should have figured Dan and Aaron's friends would act like this! I expected more out of you Dan, your a father now! But seriously, why talk sports when you can tell jokes I told as a 7th grader. But the worst part is that most of them aren't even phallic. They just have the word Johnson or Wang in them. I mean there is nothing remotely funny about "Wang to stick in rotation" or "Big Unit kicked out Friday" and what with "Pujols Opens with two hits" that one doesn't even sound funny. Why not "Reyes steals a base" thats just as funny/phallic. Yeah, I'm the Irish scrooge and its St. Pattys day!

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RJWLittle Leaguer

1354 days ago

Score 1

These ARE funny, though I am missing the Puljos thing. Did I just say something gross?

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PeanMajor Leaguer

1354 days ago

Score 2

"poo holes continues to sizzle"

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RJWLittle Leaguer

1354 days ago

Score 2

AHHH I Got it! Gross

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PeanMajor Leaguer

1354 days ago

Score 0

ha

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RJWLittle Leaguer

1354 days ago

Score 2

Just shows how white I am and cant pronounce latin names. My wife is mexican by the way.

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DNLLegend

1354 days ago

Score 0

I missed it too RJW.

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Awrigh01All-Star

1354 days ago

Score 1

Some of your do not have the same depraved minds as Dave and I.

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EnyboDiv-I Stud

1353 days ago

Score 15

Wow, a Mets/Jets fan with no sense of humor? Thats too bad considering those two teams are the biggest jokes in their respective sports. Anyway, gotta love the August 28th, 05 headline "Pujols gets tossed in first inning"

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PeanMajor Leaguer

1353 days ago

Score 2

hahahaha! that had to be done on purpose

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Anonymous Fanatic #4

1351 days ago

Score 1

can't stop laughing

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Anonymous Fanatic #5

1350 days ago

Score -4

>Just shows how white I am and cant pronounce latin names. My wife is mexican by the way I'm sure you really are in touch with and respect latin culture then

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Anonymous Fanatic #6

1350 days ago

Score 4

Nothing from Jung Bong? Although I guess he probably never had too many headlines...

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Awrigh01All-Star

1350 days ago

Score 2

surprisingly, there were no good Bong headlines. I was hoping for something like Bong Smoking, etc.

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Anonymous Fanatic #7

1350 days ago

Score -16

metsjetsdevils, i assume you're some stupid family friend faggot, and since you don't have any sense of humor and probably think that "The King of Queens" is hilarious, it's a good time to make fun of you in front of people who probably know you. go to hell, shithead.

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Anonymous Fanatic #8

1350 days ago

Score 2

Just got a text from cingular, it said, "Big Papi "aka David Ortiz" sprays his love on reporters." Thought that was quite humorous.

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Anonymous Fanatic #9

1349 days ago

Score -2

.....and MetsJetsDevils fan has to be the most serious douche bag out there, since all three of those teams suck dick. Who stuck the Big Unit up his ass?

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Anonymous Fanatic #9

1349 days ago

Score 1

haha, Pujoles! I think someone stuck the Big Unit up MetsJetsDevils Pujole!

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Anonymous Fanatic #10

1347 days ago

Score 2

Wow, we've been making fun of these for years. Here on some we've collected in our fantasy baseball league (some are commentary from sportsline instead of just titles):

On A-Rod:

Alex Rodriguez is "one of the greatest players of our generation and [I can] tell [my] grandkids [I] used to own him in a Fantasy league."

Sportsline went with this headline today to announce the return of Baltimore Second baseman Alejandro Freire:

"Au contrare mon Freire: UTL back"

And for Matt Caine's return to the big leagues:

"Giants hope Cain is able"

On Sidney Ponson being traded to the Rangers:

"Rangers' deal for Ponson dead?"

On Aaron Small returning to the Rockies:

"Smell what Rocks are Cook-in'?"

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