Fun Facts About Sam Cassell

...From Sam Cassell's Myspace page.

Sam Cassell thought up some of the funniest Sam Cassell facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to this list because he doesn't believe in any form of submission. • Sam Cassell does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Sam Cassell goes killing. • Sam Cassell once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Sam Cassell. • Sam Cassell was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. • Sam Cassell can speak braille. • Sam Cassell puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". • Sam Cassell sleeps with a night light. Not because Sam Cassell is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Sam Cassell • If you can see Sam Cassell, he can see you. If you can't see Sam Cassell you may be only seconds away from death. • Sam Cassell frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. • Sam Cassell doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. • If Sam Cassell is late, time better slow the fuck down. • Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Sam Cassell can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. • Sam Cassell, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Sam Cassell, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat." • Sam Cassell died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. • Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Sam Cassell during sex, because they are doing the same thing. • Sam Cassell does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. • Sam Cassell once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber. • If you try to introduce your mother to Sam Cassell, she'll introduce you to your biological father. • At birth, Sam Cassell came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Sam Cassell but Sam Cassell • Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Sam Cassell enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved. • Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Sam Cassell got an award for masturbating in public. • Sam Cassell once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Sam Cassell?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right. • Sam Cassell is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. • We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Sam Cassell doesn't believe in magic. • Geico saved 15% by switching to Sam Cassell. • Sam Cassell can slam revolving doors. • Superman owns a pair of Sam Cassell pajamas. • Sam Cassell can divide by zero. • Sam Cassell is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Cassell claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. • Sam Cassell has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains. • Water boils faster when Sam Cassell watches it. • A blind man once stepped on Sam Cassell' shoe. Sam replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Sam Cassell!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Sam Cassell. • Sam Cassell' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman. • They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Sam Cassell. He doesn't have to. • Sam Cassell does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. • Sam Cassell owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO. • Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Sam Cassell. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine. • The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Sam Cassell. • When Sam Cassell exercises, the machine gets stronger. • Sam Cassell once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan. • If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Sam Cassell says its beef, then it's fucking beef. • If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Sam Cassell. • Sam Cassell clogs the toilet even when he pisses. • Sam Cassell got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant. • The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Sam Cassell" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!". • Sam Cassell is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Sam Cassell • If you see Sam Cassell crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying. • Sam Cassell is allowed to talk about Fight Club. • When Sam Cassell was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Sam Cassell received an "A+" for writing only the words "Sam Cassell" and promptly turning in the paper. • Sam Cassell ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you". • Sam Cassell' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys. • There was going to be a special edition Sam Cassell toliet paper, but Sam doesn't take crap from anybody. • In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Sam Cassell. • Sam Cassell never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off. • Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Sam Cassell is going to kill you. • Sam Cassell doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days. • Sam Cassell was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run. • Sam Cassell refers to himself in fourth person. • Sam Cassell' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Sam Cassell will not take shit from anyone. • When Sam Cassell laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow. • Sam Cassell has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Sam Cassell problem. • Sam Cassell doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck. • Sam Cassell gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more. • Oxygen requires Sam Cassell to live. • Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Sam Cassell is on yet. • Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Sam Cassell open you would find another Sam Cassell inside, only smaller and angrier. • Whenever Sam Cassell's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat. • One time in an airport a guy accidently called Sam Cassell "Sam Cassell". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Sam accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bald baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself. • Sam Cassell uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn. • Sam Cassell frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids. • Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWSCD?" • Sam Cassell doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs. • The phrase "Made by Sam Cassell" is imprinted beneath the surface of China. • The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Sam Cassell. • If Sam Cassell were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Sam Cassell his 237 gold medals. • Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Sam Cassell so he can scare the shit out of them. • Sam Cassell always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker. • Filming on location for The Simple Life, Sam Cassell brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Sam Cassell roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Am giveth, and the good Sam, he taketh away. • During a prostate exam, Sam Cassell' doctor found 3 severed, gloved index fingers in his rectum. When the doctor asked what the last 3 doctors had done to earn their fate, Sam Cassell explained that they all said "You're not so tough now are you?" • The first lunar eclipse took place after Sam Cassell challenged the sun to a staring contest. Sam Cassell always wins. • Sam Cassell once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him. Top Ten Sam Cassell Facts 1. Sam Cassell's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. 2. Sam Cassell does not sleep. He waits. 3. Sam Cassell is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 4. The chief export of Sam Cassell is pain. 5. If you can see Sam Cassell, he can see you. If you can't see Sam Cassell, you may be only seconds away from death. 6. Sam Cassell has counted to infinity. Twice. 7. Sam Cassell does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Sam Cassell goes killing. 8. Sam Cassell’s blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets. 9. Sam Cassell is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry-- the man ate a fucking Indian. 10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Sam Cassell, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. Additional Sam Cassell Facts • Sam Cassell once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. • Crop circles are Sam Cassell’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. • Sam Cassell is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Sam Cassell out. It failed miserably. • Contrary to popular belief, Sam Cassell, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Sam Cassell has 72... and they're all poisonous. • If you ask Sam Cassell what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. • Sam Cassell drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. • When Sam Cassell sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Sam Cassell has not had to pay taxes, ever. • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Sam Cassell’s fist. • Sam Cassell invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. • CNN was originally created as the "Sam Cassell Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. • Sam Cassell can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Sam Cassell allows to live. • Sam Cassell once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. • What was going through the minds of all of Sam Cassell’s victims before they died? His shoe. • Sam Cassell is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. • Police label anyone attacking Sam Cassell as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. • Sam Cassell doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. • Sam Cassell doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. • A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Sam Cassell and that you will be handicapped if you park there. • Sam Cassell will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. • Someone once videotaped Sam Cassell getting pissed off. It was called Wichita Chainsaw Massacre. • If you spell Sam Cassell in Scrabble, you win. Forever. • Sam Cassell originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but he was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," O’Shaughnessy replied, "That's no glitch." • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Sam Cassell once and he will fuck you up. • The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Sam Cassell played in second grade. • Sam Cassell once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" • Sam Cassell once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Sam Cassell re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. • Sam Cassell has two speeds: Walk and Kill. • Someone once tried to tell Sam Cassell that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is an Cassell-atorship. • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Sam Cassell once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. • Sam Cassell is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Sam Cassell. • Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Sam Cassell’s s warm-up exercises. • Sam Cassell is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Sam Cassell turned that wine into beer. • Sam Cassell can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What the Fuck was that?" • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Sam Cassell. • Sam Cassell discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Sam Cassell is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Sam Cassell roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. • Sam Cassell doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths. • The Sam Cassell military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Sam Cassell could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Sam Cassell could use to kill you, including the room itself. • According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Sam Cassell walks.

This user is a Sam Cassell fan.