From Russia With Love: Evegni Malkin
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Josh Q Public: You go to the zoo, but you can’t feed guerillas.
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Hallelujah Hockey Krishnas! Rejoice! Today’s your lucky day. Evgeni Malkin. Hockey’s newest phenom. It was only a matter of time. Only a matter of time before Malkin made the lead story in these pages. Only a matter of time before Malkin went from the best player not in the NHL to one of the best players in it. Only a matter of time before Malkin went from unknown to most talked about. Only a matter of time before Malkin went from injured list to first line. Only a matter of time before Malkin scored his fourth goal in his fourth game. The comparisons to Super Mario are already being made. Mark Recchi: “Malkin is like Mario. He’s big, a great skater, has great vision, and he can finish. He’s got an edge to his game.” Malkin didn’t score in his first shift ever, like Lemieux did against the Bruins at the Garden. But he did score in his first game. A long awaited goal.
Back in the USSR. You know the story by now. Like something out of James Bond. Like something out of the Cold War. Malkin renegotiates his contract with his Russian Super League team. Ok. Now this where things get a little kooky. Malkin says he was forced into signing: “I was pressured very hard. I kept asking them, ‘Why aren’t you keeping your promise to let me play in America?’ They did want to listen.” This is where it gets even kookier. Training trip to Finland. Helsinki-Vanaa Airport. I picture fog and rain. Long trench coats. He disappears. Coach Dave King: “Somehow, we lost him. He’s gone. He’s gone to North America.” Next thing you know, Evgeni materializes in LA. Hiro Nakamura style. He’s working out with some of the Kings. Makes his way to Pittsburgh. Signs his first NHL contract. Plays his first pre-season game. Sustains his first injury.
Four goals in four games. The first goal probably the most special. All that wait. Tom Petty style. At home. Hasn’t played since dislocating his shoulder. Malkin scored. Tied up the game. Off Brodeur. Oven stuffer roaster style. But it wasn’t just that. He dominated. Sick, filthy, disgusting displays of stick-handling. A presence every time on the ice. Four goals in four games. His fourth probably the most exciting. What we’ve been waiting for. Dominique Wilkins style. Warner Wolf style. Puddy’s team again. Takes a cross ice pass from Sidney Crosby. Splits two defenders. Makes ‘em look silly. Fiddles and diddles. Spineroo. Backhander. Beats Brodeur. Again. Made it look easy. Penguins win! Penguins win! With Malkin in the mix, expect a lot more of those wins. From Russia with love. 007 style.
The Public at Large:
1. The NFL Cardinals. Where great running backs go to die. Emmit Smith. Edgerrin James.
2. Jay Williams. Cut by the Nets. Is that it for him now?
3. Gary Sheffield was told the Bombers will pick up his $13 million option for next season. Unless they’re planning on trading him, that’s just a stupid move.
4. Oh great. The jinx is in. SI’s Peter King just picked the Pats to beat the Vikings. This guy is never right.
5. Where’s Waldo? St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. No Mark McGuire talk what-so-ever. Curious, no?
6. You heard it here first folks. Daisuke Matsuzaka makes the back page of the Coast to Coast NY Post.
7. How bad is Knicks’ Jerome James? Zeke just signed children’s book author Kelvin Cato. A guy who spends his whole career sleep walking through games. That’s how bad.
8. Bye-bye Bad Boys. As much as Ben Wallace going to Chicago helps the Bulls, it kills the Pistons more. Little Ricky’s boy, Nazr Mohammed, is now their starting center. This guy never averaged more than 26.4 minutes a game. From World Champions to obscurity.
9. Isiah called out Eddie Curry yesterday. Told him he needs to be more manly. Dexter style. This from a guy who used to make out with Magic at half-court.
10. A’s interview Orel. The Original Bulldog. A record 59 consecutive scoreless innings. Yowza! In case you forget: Down to the final start of the year. Needed to pitch 10 shutout innings to set the mark. Needed to stop the Padres from scoring at all. Needed his own team not to score. Needed to pitch into extra innings. He got all of it. Bulldog pitched 10 innings of scoreless baseball to get the record. Double yowza!
11. Sox sign Timlin to an extension. Ya, ya. Wake me when they really do something. I hear there’s a gyroballer out there.
12. Burnaby Super Joe Sakic. 1,500th point. Only the 11th player to get it. Good work Joey.
13. Good news for the Raiders. I guess. Jerry Porter was reinstated after the NFL and the Player’s Association agreed to cut his four-game suspension in half. Just Bitch baby!
14. Don’t take your guns to town son. Leave your guns at home Bill. Don’t take you guns to town. Johnny Cash style. David Stern: “It’s a pretty widely accepted statistic that if you carry a gun, your chances of getting shot increases dramatically. We think this is an alarming subject, that although you’ll read players feel safer with guns, in fact, those guns actually make them less safe. And it’s a real issue.” Finally someone talking sense. Is Charlton Heston still alive?
15. I feel just icky doing this but… Real Madrid is reportedly prepared to sell former England captain David Beckham in January’s transfer window. Happy trails to you…
16. Naomi Campell again arrested for beating somebody up. This chick should go on Iron Mike’s World Tour.
Public Spectacles:
1. Malkin’s First Goal
2. Malkin’s Second Goal
3. Malkin’s Third Goal
4. Malkin’s Fourth Goal
5. Malkin Montage- Just knowhe’s like 18/19 in most of these clips.
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!
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