Forget Bill Simmons - Here's PatrickBurke1980's Guide to the EPL
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by user PatrickBurke1980
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I absolutely loved this past World Cup. I decided, along with Pean, that I would dedicate myself to becoming a fan of the English Premiership. I know this is right on the heels of the SportsGuy's EPL article, but below is my $.02 on each team in the League followed by Rules, Regulations, and the occassional funny side story. A big thank you must go out to Alex Holowczak for his additions/fixes. Enjoy!
Arsenal F.C.
Arsenal Football Club (nicknamed 'the Gunners') are based in north London. Arsenal is widely recognized as one of the most successful clubs in English soccer. Arsenal has won thirteen First Division and Premier League titles which is 3rd in the history of the Premiership behind Liverpool and Manchester United. Arsenal has a large and loyal fanbase, both inside and out of England. Arsenal fans call themselves "Gooners", coming from the team's nickname, "The Gunners". One of the funnier things about the "Gooners" is that they have created a fanzine called 'Up the Arse" (www.upthearse.net) devoted to bashing their cross town rival, the Tottenham Hotspur. Other main rivals are Chelsea and West Ham United, but none are as intense as the derbies (matches between local rivals) with Tottenham. It should be noted that in recent years Arsenal has developed a strong rivalry with Manchester United with both clubs vying for the Premiership title annually. Arsenal's most recognizable player currently on the roster is French born star Thierry Henry. Their last Premiership title came in 2004.
Aston Villa F.C.
Aston Villa Football Club (nicknamed 'the Villans') play at Villa Park in Birmingham, West Midlands, England. AVFC is one of the oldest and most successful football clubs in England. Aston Villa's arch-rivals are Birmingham City, games between the two clubs are known as the Second City Derby. Villa also have a less heated rivalry with local neighbours, West Bromwich Albion. Other nearby clubs include Wolverhampton Wanderers and Walsall. As of season 2006/07 Villa will be the only Premiership club in the Midlands. The club's nearest Premiership rivals will be Sheffield United. Their last Premiership title was in 1981. They won the European Cup the following season, but have not maintained that peak since. Martin Laursen is their top defender, and Gareth Barry is their best midfielder. Laursen has been injured for a couple of seasons, but is fit to play this year. The players are currently in the process of a protest against the chairman, (i.e. the GM), who is not willing to spend much money on the club. As a result, they could be in a relegation battle this year. Alex Holowczak supports Aston Villa.
Blackburn Rovers F.C.
Blackburn Rovers Football Club (nicknamed 'the Rovers') is an English Premier League football club based in the town of Blackburn, Lancashire. The club plays it's home games in Ewood Park. BRFC 's story is an interesting one. The team was promoted to the inaugural year of the Premiership in 1992 following 26 years outside the top flight. In 1994, the team finished 2nd overall and came through win a hard fought championship in 1995, nearly beating out Manchester United in on eof the most exciting league seasons ever. However, just four years later they became the first Premier League champions to suffer relegation from the league in 1999. Their 1995 win is their only Premiership title. I do not recognize anyone on their roster, but there are two Americans on the team: Brad Friedel and Jemal Johnson. Another American, Roy Wegerle, was a key member of the Rovers 1992 club. They lost talisman Craig Bellamy to Liverpool last year, so a repeat of last year's success seems unlikely.
Side note, there are 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.
Bolton
Bolton Wanderers F.C.(nicknamed 'the Trotters') are an English professional football club based in Horwich, Bolton. The Trotters have yet to win a Premiership title and to be honest, I have not found many interesting things about this club, except for the fact that their fans hate Manchester United. The team is captain by young standout Kevin Nolan. There are no Americans on the team. The team is known by some as "The United Nations of British Football," mainly due to the fact that so many different countries have players in the Bolton team. Sam Allardyce has been successful in charge of Bolton, and narrowly missed out on taking over the England job this year after Sven-Goran Eriksson stood down after the World Cup.
Charlton
Charlton Athletic Football Club (nicknamed 'the Addicks') are a football club from southeast London. The club was founded in 1905 and currently plays at The Valley in Charlton. The team currently has one American on the roster in Corey Gibbs, but may not be able to join due to a problem in obtaining a work permit.
An interesting fact on Charleton is that each year they let a season-ticket holder have a seat on their board of directors. This person is allowed to have input on any of the club's doings, including 'transfer' talks, which is the equivalent of a trade. The club's main rival is Tottenham Hotspur. Charleton has yet to win a Premiership title.
Chelsea F.C.
Chelsea F.C. (nicknamed 'the Blues' and previously 'the Pensioners') of South London are a powerhouse in English socccer. The club has won three league titles and are the reigning league champions for the second year in a row (2005 and 2006). Obviously, this has been the team to beat in the Premiership over the past few seasons.
Chelsea fans have a strong rivalry with various clubs. Historically, the clubs main rivals have been Fulham (whom they play in the West London derby) and Leeds United. Apparently, there is no love lost between Chelsea fans and those of Tottenham Hotspur. It can't be much of a rivalry though as they haven't lost to the Spurs in 16 years. I'm starting to be amused by how many teams intensely dislike Tottenham. Does anyone actually like that team?
More recently Chelsea has developed rivalries with Liverpool, Manchester United and Arsenal as these four teams tend to duke it out for the title. The club's standout players are Frank Lampard and Joe Cole(who reportedly has been banging Keeley Hazell (picture below).
Everton
Everton F.C. (nicknamed 'the Toffees' and 'the Blues') is based in the city of Liverpool in Merseyside, England. Not surprisingly, the team's main rival is Liverpool. This club has a very storied history as it has played more seasons in the top flight of English football than any other and have been champions nine times, most recently in 1987. More impressive is that they've been in the top league in English soccer for over 100 years. They are a model of consistancy, even though the excellence hasn't been there in the past couple decades. American goalie Tim Howard is currently 'on loan' from Manchester United.
Fulham
Fulham F.C. (nicknamed 'the Cottagers' and 'the Whites') is based in Fulham, London. They are the oldest team and London, and have a very interesting history. Historically, the team has jumped around the divisions, while at one point in the 1990's finished dead last in the lowest division in English soccer. In recent years, the team has amazingly moved back up to the Premiership and has been finishing near the middle of the pack each year. The team's biggest rival is Chelsea as the clubs very near one another. American standout Brian McBride is the only player on the squad you've likely heard of.
Liverpool
Liverpool F.C. (nicknamed 'the Reds'), referred to simply as "Liverpool" is the most successful team in English Soccer history. The squad has one 18 English championships to go along with seven FA Cups and 5 Champions League trophies. They are arguably the most successful soccer team in the world. While the team is a perennial top 5 team in the Premiership, they haven't won a title since 1990. The current squad is lead by Stephen Gerrard and Peter Crouch.
Manchester City
Manchester City F.C. (nicknamed 'the Citizens' or 'the Blues') is located in Manchester. The club has two League Championships to it's name, but has not won anything of significance since the mid 1970's. The team's lowpoint was relegation two out of three consecutive years in the 1990's. Not suprisingly, Man City's biggest rival is Manchester United. It's an interesting rivalry, similar to that of the New York Mets and Yankees. If you root for one team, you hate the other. It's probably not fun for Man City's fans, as like the Mets, they are overshadowed by their incredibly succesful neighbor. The lone American on the roster is Claudio Reyna.
Manchester United
Manchester United F.C. (nicknamed 'the Red Devils') is the most recognizable soccer team in the World. The team has won the Premier League 15 times with 8 championships coming between 1993 - 2003. The team has been called the New York Yankees of international soccer, as they have incredible sums of money and can afford just about any international superstar they have their sites set on. The current squad is loaded with huge names you watched play in the recent World Cup including Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, and Ruud von Nistlerooy. An interesting fact about ManU is that the squad is owned by American businessman Malcolm Glazer, who also owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. There are no Americans currently on the roster.
Middlesbrough
Middlesbrough F.C. (nicknamed 'the Boro', plays at the Riverside Stadium in Middlesbrough. This team has historically jumped around the levels but has been a middle of the pack team for the past 5 years or so. Perhaps the most interesting thing about MFC is that the official mascot is the incredibly pathetic Roary the Lion. Click here to see what he looks like. While researching this item, I came across an incredible tidbit of information relating to a non-Premiership team called Hartlypool. They have another funny mascot. His name? H'angus the Monkey. Apprently, this comes from the fact that Hartlepool is famous for allegedly executing a monkey during the Napoleonic Wars. A French ship was wrecked off the town, when the townspeople went to investigate the crew had gone but they found a pet monkey. They thought that the monkey was a Frenchman, and hanged it as a suspected spy. Insert Zidane joke here.
Newcastle United
Newcastle United Football Club (nicknamed 'the Magpies') is based in Newcastle upon Tyne. Newcastle United supporters are known as the "Toon Army" or the "Geordies" due to the area the team is based in. Newcastle's arch-rival is with Sunderland, also known as "The Mackems" (with the name supposed to have come from the way Sunderland people pronounce the words "make them". However, recent research suggests there is no proof of this). Matches between the two are known as the Tyne and Wear derby. The team has four Premiership championships, but all were prior to 1930 when the Premiership was known as the First Division. The team's big name is Michael Owen, who is out on injury this season.
Side note, this is my team of choice as I studied in Newcastle for a year and lived a couple blocks from the Stadium. I can tell you first hand these fans are crazy. On any game day the whole city stops and everyone is wearing the black and white striped jersey's of the team. Then again, I'd bet that happens in just about any major soccer city in Britain.
Portsmouth
Portsmouth F.C. (nicknamed 'Pompey') is not a historically succesful team. It has been as low as Fourth Division, but worked it's way back to the Premiership in the past five years. Unfortunately, Pompey may best be known for it's 6:57 club, a notoriously violent hooligan group. They are named after the 6:57pm train that leaves from Portsmouth to London on Saturdays (which Pompeys fan take to for away games against the major London teams). Pompey's fiercest rivalry is with Southampton and Millwall, a first division team. I've never heard of anyone on the team.
Reading
Reading F.C. (nicknamed 'the Royals') is based in the English town of Reading, in Berkshire. The club was promoted just this past year. 2006 will be their first season in the Premiership. They are nicknamed the Royals, due to Reading's location in the Royal County of Berkshire. Reading's mascot is a lion called Kingsley Royal. The club has two Americans on the team in Marcus Hanhemann and Bobby Convey. Aside from that, there are no real reasons to root for this team, at least not that I can dig up.
Sheffield United
Sheffield United (nicknamed 'the Blades') is located in South Yorkshire. The team has jumped around the levels quite a bit over the years, and like Reading they are a new addition to the Premiership in 2006. My favorite thing about Sheffield is that one of their team anthems is titled "The Greasy Chip Butty Song". Sheffield's last championship was in the late 19th century (I'm not joking). So, chances are this is not the team to root for this season.
Tottenham
Tottenham Hotspur F.C. ('nicknamed 'the Spurs' and 'the Lillywhites') is one of the top shelf Premiership teams based out of London. They are considered to be one of the most popular football teams in the world, which I find surprising, as I like soccer and I'd never heard of them. The club has a very intense rivalry with near neighbors Arsenal. The teams play each other twice a year in the North London derby. The club has two championships to its name in 1951 and 1961. I don't recognize anyone on the team, but there is one reason to root for them...the club emblem is the Cock and Ball, shown above. The cock and ball!! You can't make that stuff up, folks.
Watford
Watford F.C. (nicknamed 'the Hornets') is based in Watford, Hertfordshire. They squad is yet another new addition to the Premiership in 2006. The club has the nickname of “The Hornets,” because of its yellow and black stripes that make for extraordinarily ugly jerseys. Watford has a very old rivalry with nearby Luton Town. Jay DeMerit is the lone American. Unforuntately, Watford's claim to fame is being owned at one point by Elton John. That makes me not want to root for them.
West Ham
West Ham United F.C. based in Newham, East London has two great nicknames in 'the Irons' and 'the Hammers'. An American, Jonathan Spector, is a defenseman for the team. The Hammers are known as the 'Academy of Football' as they regularly scout and develop world class players, but can rarely afford to keep them there. The clubs biggest Premiership rivals are Tottenham and Chelsea. As is the case with Portsmouth, West Ham is known for it's 'inter-city firm', IE. their local hooligan gang. West Ham has never won a title.
Wigan Athletic
Wigan Athletic (nicknamed "the latics") are now in Greater Manchester (having formerly been part of Lancashire prior to 1971). For some reason, the team's supporters have chosen the highly intimidating 'You are my Sunshine' as the team anthem. The club does have David Wright as a roster member, but apparently it's not the same David Wright Mets fans know and love. The team hasn't much in the way of funny or interesting facts and has never won a league championship.
The League Competition
1. Each Club shall play 2 League Matches against each other Club each Season, being the Home Club in respect of one such League Match and the Visiting Club in respect of the other.
2. The winner of a League Match shall score three points. Each Club participating in a League Match which is drawn shall score one point.
3. The results of League Matches shall be recorded by the Secretary in a table containing in respect of each Club the following information:
3.1 the number of League Matches played in that Season;
3.2 the number of League Matches won, drawn and lost as a Home Club in that Season;
3.3 the number of League Matches won, drawn and lost as a Visiting Club in that Season;
3.4 the number of goals scored in League Matches by and against that Club in that Season;
3.5 the number of points scored in that Season.
4. The position of Clubs in the table shall be determined by the number of points scored in that Season, the Club having scored the highest number of points being at the top of the table and the Club having scored the lowest number of points being at the bottom.
5. If any 2 or more Clubs have scored the same number of points their position in the table shall be determined on goal difference, that is to say, the difference between the total number of goals scored by and against a Club in League Matches in that Season, and the higher or highest placed Club shall be the Club with the larger or largest goal difference.
6. If any 2 or more Clubs have scored the same number of points and have the same goal difference the higher or highest placed Club shall be the Club having scored the most goals in League Matches in that Season.
7. Subject to Rule B.29, if any 2 or more Clubs have scored the same number of points, have the same goal difference and have scored the same number of goals in League Matches in that Season they shall be deemed to occupy the same position in the table.
The League Championship
8. The Club which is at the top of the table at the end of the Season shall be the League Champions.
9. The League Champions shall receive a trophy which it shall return to the Secretary in good order and condition not later than 3 weeks before the final League Matches of the next Season.
10. The League Champions shall further receive 21 commemorative medals to be presented by the Club to its Manager and to such of its Players and Officials as it thinks fit provided, in the case of a Player, that he has that Season played in a minimum of 10 of its League Matches. Additional medals may be presented with the consent of the Board.
Relegation
11. Subject to Rule B.27, the bottom 3 Clubs in the table at the end of the Season shall be relegated to the Football League.
12. If any Club ceases during the Season to be a member of the League, the record of the League Matches in which it has participated that Season shall be expunged from the table and the number of Clubs to be relegated at the end of that Season shall be reduced so as to maintain at 20 (or, if less, as near thereto as may be) the number of Clubs in membership of the League at the beginning of the next Season.
13. If any Club ceases to be a member of the League other than by reason of relegation after the end of the Season but before the Board has fixed the dates of League Matches for the next Season, the Board may invite the relegated club which attained the highest position in the table referred to in Rule B.18 at the end of the previous Season to rejoin the League.
Playoffs
14. If at the end of the Season either the League Champions or the Clubs to be relegated or the question of qualification for other competitions cannot be determined because 2 or more Clubs are equal on points, goal difference and goals scored, the Clubs concerned shall play off one or more deciding League Matches on neutral grounds, the format, timing and venue of which shall be determined by the Board.
Other competitions
Other than the Premier League, the FA Cup is a knockout tournament, that is arguably the best Cup competition in the world. The Premiership teams will enter in Round Three, which is traditionally played on the first weekend after Christmas. There is no seeding format, so there is nothing stopping two teams from the Premiership playing at any stage of the competition. Also, there is a replay in the event of a draw, with the return match played at the other team's ground. Only after this second match can their be extra-time and penalties. The Cup is famous for it's upsets, where the teams from lower leagues play teams from higher up. The most famous of these is probably Ronnie Radford, when he scored two goals for the bottom of the league (i.e. Division Four as it was then) beat Premier League team Newcastle United 2-1. There is generally one upset each year. The highlight last year was probably Burton Albion's 0-0 draw at home to Manchester United. Burton were placed over 200 positions below them in the "Football League Pyramid." In the return at Old Trafford, Manchester United won 4-0 however, to advance. The Final is the only stage of the competition to not have replays, and is the traditional end to the season. It will be played at Wembley Stadium for the first time since it's redevelopment this season. The wniner is guaranteed a UEFA Cup place the following season.
The League Cup is played in midweek, whenever the UEFA Champions' League is not being played. This is a lower quality competition, as many of the big teams rest players to give them rest time for League matches. There are no replays, but some rounds are played over two legs, once at each teams stadium. The buffer of a UEFA Cup place for the winner has done little to attract the big teams to risk their star players.
Date
Wed 07/19/06, 6:58 pm EST
