FatMan's Preseason Predictions
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by FatMan
2007 Season Preview!!
So, like usual I crapped the bed in my picks for the Super Bowl last year, thinking that the Giants would outjoust the Pats, but overall, the excellent predictions of who would make the playoffs continued. The FatMan correctly nailed 8 out of the 12 postseason teams, getting 4 out of the 6 in each conference. Not too shabby. He really missed the mark on New Orleans by having them picked as a last place team, but such are the pitfalls when you start doing this shit before training camps have even really started.
This year, the FatMan looks to have an even better performance. And maybe, just maybe, he'll finally nail the SB participants. Can the Colts repeat? Are the Bears a flash in the pan? Is this finally the Lions year? Is Ken Whisenhunt really just Bill Cowher coming back in a Delorean with a unique flux capacitor from 10 years ago??
Don't rack your brain thinking about these things - let the FatMan do it for you. So, take a relaxing swim in the Indian Ocean, or take a wonderous look at the ocean receding a mile in Thailand. And don't think about sharks or tsunamis. Think about the idyllic place that you're at and how that trip to Vegas to bet on the FatMan's picks is going to make you set for life, or will at least pay for the medical bills for your foolishness in wading in the Ganges river, exposing yourself to filth. Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling.
Let's go to the bottom line:
AFC East
New England 13-3
Jets 9-7
Buffalo 7-9
Miami 5-11
AFC North
Baltimore 10-6
X - Pittsburgh 10-6
Cincinnati 9-7
Cleveland 6-10
AFC South
Indianapolis 12-4
Tennessee 8-8
Jacksonville 7-9
Houston 6-10
AFC West
S.D. 12-4
X - Denver 10-6
K.C. 9-7
Oakland 4-12
NFC East
Giants 11-5
X - Dallas 10-6
Philly 9-7
Washington 5-11
NFC North
Chicago 11-5
Minnesota 9-7
Detroit 6-10
Green Bay 4-12
NFC South
New Orleans 11-5
X - Carolina 10-6
Atlanta 6-10
T.B. 3-13
NFC West
St. Louis 11-5
Seattle 9-7
Arizona 8-8
S.F. 6-10
AFC Champion - New England
NFC Champion - New Orleans
SB Champ - Pats
Coach of the Year - Sean Payton
Offensive MVP - Peyton Manning
Defensive MVP - Brian Urlacher
- DISCLAIMER - For you anal people out there, I realize that the wins and losses don't add up to equal one another. For those new to my schtick, this is done intentionally as a way of making fun of the countless preseason mags who are too lax to do this very basic check. Don't worry, I'm anal, too. NTTAWWT.
Four Teams Who Could Surprise -
1) Houston- For the Texans to surprise, all they need is 6-7 wins, which still might be a tall order for this group. At least they got the Atlanta QB who doesn't string up dogs, wet them, and then shock them to all fucking hell, but that will be a minor point when Schaub starts tasting dirt just like the disposed puppies are. Behind an OL that hopes to improve to having only as many holes as Swiss Cheese, winning consistently will be a problem. So instead of contending, this team will be asking once again, "How come the Panthers and Jags got all the breaks as expansion teams and we were dealt the shit?"
2) Buffalo - Look, nobody expects anything out of this group - and why should they. The OL is horrid, the QB situation has been in flux since they canned Flutie for a surfer dude. And ironically, they now have a new surfer dude at the helm. I guess maybe the braintrust thinks that if they bring in enough guys who dream about Hawaii, they won't think about the cold. Unfortunately, they also don't seem to think about playing football, either. The one thing the entire fan base looks forward to every year, outside of having Ralph Wilson choke on a Metamucil bar, is having a solid D. They will once again, and getting punished in the cold of December won't be fun for many teams visiting the Northern wasteland. But I want this team to show grit. Because I'd rather see a gritty team play in the cold, then have them ship off to LA in a few years and become a bunch of pansies with botox injections and no heart. And that's probably what will happen when Ralph Wilson gets an extra stringy fiber bar.
3) Detroit - If titles were given for being the worst run team in the league with an inept jackass for a GM, the Lions would be a dynasty. Instead, they are a team with a lot of talent stacked at a couple of positions, who are managed by a guy who got a Correspondence Degree from a University in the Dominican Republic from the looks of it. 2007 marked what seemed like the 20th straight year that the team drafted a WR highly. Calvin Johnson APPEARS to be the best selection thus far, but one has to wonder if trading down and actually drafting players on the other side of the ball, where theoretically 50% of the time is spent would have been better. At least with Jon Kitna, they have a guy who is tough as nails. He also has a resume as impressive as Kerwin Bell's. In other words, undistinguishable and unremarkable. Even with a bumbling idiot running things, the Lions might claw their way to heights simply because their division sucks more cased meat than Kobiashyi.
4) Atlanta - Look - after the recent fiasco of Vick and his merry band of relatives electrocuting what could have been very hearty meals for the Vietnamese, nobody expects much of the Falcons. But you know what, perhaps they will be better off without a guy who fumbles like he is preserving it as an art form, without a guy who overthrows receivers like he's auditioning to be a 3rd-world dictator, and without a guy who ad-libs more plays than Robin Williams. Now, it would be a much more probable feeling that they will surprise if they had somebody under center besides the perpetually clueless Joey Harrington, but we can't all be seers and know that the starter is going to take Fluffy and bash her head into the pavement until Alpo shoots out. The jury will be out on this call because the defense won't get a chance to rest.
Four Teams Who May Disappoint -
1)Washington - Alright, give it up to the Washington Redskins - the NFL Paper Champions in preseason for the 12th straight year. In that time, these paper champs have made the playoffs once, or so it seems. In all honesty, this selection is a bit of a cop-out. Nobody really expects much from the Redskins except for the usual Napolean-like outbursts from their midget owner. I'd almost put even money on Joe Gibbs keeling over before the Skins actually break .500. And now, they've put their hopes in Jason Campbell. It's always good to see bad high draft picks turning into bad starters, especially when they get to face the Giants two times a year.
2) Kansas City - Just having Herm Edwards at the helm automatically puts you at risk to disappoint. The guy might be a motivator, but you might as well put Ron Popeil in charge of a team if that were the criteria. Sooner or later, you actually have to draw up X's and O's and execute them. When Herm does, it migt just be to play Tic-Tac-Toe. Larry Johnson is unhappy and the OL keeps losing their pieces. That isn't a great sign for a power rushing offense. If the Raiders weren't in the West, things could be much more dire, even with the two easy wins there, it will be a chore to make the postseason this year.
3) Cincinnati - Whenever you have to schedule practice around free time at the jails in the Metro Cincy area, you have issues. Like the Redskins, each year people flock to Cincy in the preseason to worship Marvin Lewis and Carson Palmer. And each year, come December, the Winter blues start showing up and masses of disappointed Bengals maraud the streets, endangering Cincinnati youths, and assaulting the fine working women. We attempted to contact Chris henry for contact, but his ankle bracelet wouldn't allow him to come to our office. I wonder if it will keep him out of the end zone as well?
4) Miami - The other rite of Fall, other than proclaiming the Redskins champions and to watch the Bengals commit heinous crimes, is to watch the Dolphins horribly miss expectations. Remember how Dante Culpepper was going to be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy? The only thing he hoisted was his crutch in anger as he was sent packing. Chris Chambers was arrested in Charlotte for DUI, and he is one of the few bright spots on the team. Randy McMichael was too busy slapping his girlfriend to respond to our interview request, and Nick Saban was seen staring longingly in the direction of Baton Rouge via Tuscaloosa. When you bail to go back to an old college rival, you know things are at rock bottom. The season could turn as bleak as the outlook of seeing Wayne Huizinga with a full head of hair. Come to think of it - even a partial head of hair.
So there you have it. If you want to make green, the first step is to not touch anywhere Trent Green is going. The next step is to follow the picks above. And remember, it's just mere days before the endless stream of jackasses starts cock-jousting over who has a better fantasy team. If I hear another shit-for-brains utter "Hey pal, rate my draft.", I'm going to put my foot so far up his ass that he'll be shitting the bed worse than Tony Graziani for weeks. I've never really understood why people do this. What if your team sucks, are you going to request a re-do?? Or is it just better than unzipping the fly so we can all see a 2-inch pecker?? Some things are better left unsaid.
Just Remember: When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan!
