FatMan's Picks - Week 9

by FatMan

FatMan cruised to another successful week in picking games and has nearly turned his year from a mountain of debt into a situation where he can start building a temple of gold! Unfortunately, he was so wrapped up in the Giants contest in London, that he decided to stay, sack out with some British tarts, pass out drinking some Boddington's, and see how many times he could get the Beefeater's to flinch.

Since the big guy has gone AWOL, there's only one thing to do - substitute his picks with those of Lansdowne, the former butler, who is now just a stuffy asshole. A fixture of the pick page for the last several years, Lansdowne provides his unique perspective from across the pond. So without any further banter, here's the stately gentleman himself.....

The pleasure is going to be all yours for having me aboard for this week's schedule. After all, you Americans foisted that steaming pile of crap you call football into my vaunted Wembley Stadium last week. No wonder we Brits dismiss that sport as being brutish and ungraceful. A person you call a quarterback, who's job is to handle a ball over and over again, couldn't even do that without losing it time after time. It also would be nice if the quarterback could get the ball to the people running down the field more than 20% of the time. About the only thing I could cheer was the kicking game since it most resembled our football. Unfortunately one bloke couldn't even put the ball through two gigantic posts from the 20 metre line. My Aunt Miriam can even do that, and she stuffs her face with more clotted cream than a pornstar. As all Brits do, let me get right to the point.

WEEK 9: San Francisco at Atlanta (-3) - Games like this are exactly why Brits detest American football. The only time we would see a contest so putrid would be in a English Conference football matchup. Woking vs. Farsley Celtic might be the closest thing to this tramwreck of a battle. But you people see this kind of a contest each week. I guess winning the Revolutionary War wasn't all it's cracked up to be. FALCONS 20-14.

Cincinnati at Buffalo (-3) - I've already said my piece above on bloody awful games, so I won't beat a dead trotter into the ground even more. I've actually never been to Buffalo and I like it that way. Although the allure of fried foods and beer does have a certain comforting familiarity about it. BILLS 23-14.

Seattle at Cleveland (-1) - Seattle reminds me of the UK. It is dreary, misty, and pretty dank almost all of the time. Makes me wonder how they call themselves the Seahawks. Can you even look up through the clouds to see birds?? The last time I was in Seattle and looked up and some 20 ish slacker was coming out of the clouds at me from a nearby 10-story building. The brains on the sidewalk told me he completed the job he set out to do. Maybe he wasn't a slacker afterall. BROWNS 35-28.

Dallas at Philadelphia (+3) - Finally, a matchup that is like Arsenal vs. Man United. This is going to be a knockdown drag-out affair complete with a stadium full of hooligans. Where do I sign up for tickets? Upset Special! EAGLES 24-20.

Denver at Detroit (-2) - This is a tough one to decide on. I thought I'd watch the International broadcast of the MNF game to find out more about the Broncos, but all I ended up hearing about was some lady who recovered from cancer and her husband with a gray beard. It is strange to have a football game on and see more of the people with microphones instead of the game. I don't think I've ever seen the inside of a booth once a British football game begins. I'm going to have to go on blind luck for this pick. BRONCOS 31-23.

Green Bay at Kansas City (+1) - I think every country sees the same thing. The further you move inland, the sturdier, yet dumber the people get to be. Just like the lads of Birmingham aren't always the sharpest steel in the strop, I get the feeling that the fine folks of Kansas City and Green Bay are one step removed from living in caves. But they are strong like oxen. If they get angry at me, I'll just throw them a hunk of meat. That should occupy them for a while. PACKERS 27-17.

San Diego at Minnesota (+5) - Ever since I was a young lad, I've admired the Nordic Warriors. Then as I aged, I realized they were dirty, smelly, cross-breeding nomads. I would have thought they'd settle in West Virginia instead of Minnesota, but perhaps my grasp of US geography isn't as keen as it could be. CHARGERS 28-10.

New England at Indianapolis (+4.5) - Two undefeated teams settling their differences on the pitch. This is something I could enjoy. Why the hell couldn't Wembley have gotten one of these sides instead of a team who last won when Paul Potts was just a mobile phone salesman? PATS 38-35 (Colts cover)

Jacksonville at New Orleans (-3) - The atrocities of New Orleans were broadcast on BBC for days. Those poor people huddled into shoddy conditions where they were forced to rape and fling poo to pass the time. I wonder why the people forced to take up temporary shelter in San Diego didn't act the same way. Thank God we don't get natural disasters in London. Parliament takes enough crap already without people blaming them for Loch Ness Monster attacks. SAINTS 27-14.

Houston at Oakland (-3) - The last time I was in the States, I was whisked off to a Raider game. After seeing all of the people dressed up like Gothic Transformers it opened my eyes. I thought only the Japanese were crazy enough to dress like mythical anime figures in public. I was going to say something, but Darth Vader next to me shivved me in the vocal chords. RAIDERS 24-17.

Arizona at Tampa Bay (-3) - The US version of "The Office" isn't half bad. Perhaps I'll watch that while this game is going on. If I wanted to see bad telly shows, I think I'd watch the US version of "Coupling" before this rubbish. BUCS 24-12.

Carolina at Tennessee(-4) - The last time I saw a 44 year old footballer was in a Seniors charity game held in Coventry. And I think two of the poor chaps broke their hips. And you people think tough guys play American football? It can't be that tough if Grandparents are taking the field. TITANS 20-10.

Washington at Jets (+3) - The Jets benched Chad Pennington this week. I knew a Pennington from Sheffield. He was a fob and a wanker, too. Maybe the two are related? REDSKINS 20-7.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-8.5) - Speaking of Sheffield, it is a lot like Pittsburgh. Steel foundries clang noisily day and night. Bad ale is served by fat wenches in the pubs. The best food is deep fried to hide what it really is. And their football teams are rugged. The one difference is that the Pittsburgh footballers actually win. STEELERS 28-17.

BEST BETS:

CHARGERS

STEELERS

REDSKINS

Last Week:

Straight Up: 10-3

With Spread: 8-5

Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:

Straight Up: 71-45 (.612)

With Spread: 51-57-8 (.472)

Best Bets: 12-11-1 (.522) (+$10)

As always, we thank Lansdowne for his honest and typically British critiques. Maybe we can buy him a pint of Guinness with the $10 we are up for the year. Or maybe we can let the poor bastard by himself one and we'll invest in a toothbrush instead. But more importantly, FatMan has had 4 winning weeks in a row on Best Bets. He wanted to take the Titans this week, but the Panthers are undefeated away from home, so he's going with a couple tough matchups. Hopefully FatMan didn't use up all of his energy just getting back to the hill - now he needs to push onward and upward! Because once a FatMan gets momentum he can take out whatever is in his path, including surly Brits. Whatever happens, it is sure to be a wild ride. Remember:

When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan