FatMan's Picks - Week 8

by FatMan

Hey, I don't want to toot my own horn. The only people who do that are clowns and aggressive drivers, but don't look now - - I'm back to .500 on the Best Bets. In what can sometimes bite a person doing early picks, I locked in on the Saints only giving 6 points to the Falcons. So I pushed, but the line grew as the week went on. And the Best Bets rolled in at 2-0-1 because of it! We just always have to remember that it is a long year. Hell, ESPN and half of the "experts" were ready to string Tom Coughlin and the Giants up a pole after the first two weeks, and now, they are pulling back General Tom's tightie-whities to give some oral action. I think I just threw up in my mouth writing that. The only thing I want to picture hard on Tom, is his hard-ass demeanor. Point is - there's still time to get on the bandwagon, and there's room too!! I'll just shove some of the groupies we picked up on our way through South Bend off.

Apparently this guy is guarding against another potato famine. To each his own. Point being, there's a LOT more room to hop on the FatMan picks! So before  chubby tries to get back on and pops a tire, let's go to the sheet!!

WEEK 8:

Indianapolis at Carolina (+7) - Rumor has it that James Taylor will be at the game performing "Carolina on My Mind" Sunday. Rumor also has it that he and Vinny will reminisce about their cut-up days in high school. What isn't a rumor is that the Colts are going to matriculate the ball down the field better than Hank Stram ever could have imagined. COLTS 38-17.

Detroit at Chicago (-5) - This is a tough one to handicap. The Bears are certainly not lighting the world on fire, but the Lions have been more inconsistent than OJ Simpson's alibis. While The Juice is getting squeezed, Kitna might be getting crunched by Urlacher. The Lions will do enough to keep this game close, however. BEARS 20-17 (Lions cover)

Cleveland at St. Louis (+3) - Is this the Rams best chance for a win?? Could be, but the way they are getting spanked lately, dominatrixes are getting jealous. The Browns will give up points, and Steven Jackson will be back, but the Browns can score, too. Scott Linehan is on the hot seat which is utterly ridiculous - with as battered as the Rams are, Vince Lombardi would have a hard time winning. Plus, he's probably completely decayed by now.... BROWNS 34-21.

Washington at New England (-16) - Joe Gibbs is doing all he can to build this into a David vs. Goliath matchup. But actually, it is. The Pats are a juggernaut right now. However, the Redskins will have the best defense Brady will see. The man is good at going through barriers, however. He broke the barrier of being a late-round draft pick to become a star, and even his sperm have swum around and through barriers to impregnate supermodels. I haven't met Superman, but this guy is about as close as they come. PATS 28-17 (Redskins cover)

New Orleans at San Francisco (+3) - The Niners are bad right now. Rice-A-Roni bad. When Trent Dilfer is throwing clipboards on the sidelines in frustration, you know you have issues. The Saints don't travel well, but this is like scrimmaging a Division I-AA team right now (Or do I have to call them the Subdivision?). The Niners are so bad right now that the strongest Breeze in the Bay Area on Sunday will be Drew. SAINTS 28-20.

Buffalo at Jets (-3) - Another difficult game to call. The Jets have a problem. Their QB can't throw passes with any kind of speed on them. But they aren't changing the QB. Memo to Mangini, if you are a genius, you better get the guy out of there who is making you look like a moron. Or pretty soon you will be professionally "sleeping with the fishes". BILLS 21-17.

Giants at Miami (+9) - Actually, this game is in Jolly Old England where even the Brits are non-plussed to see a winless team grace the hallowed pitch at Wembley. Take away Ronnie Brown and the Fins go from being a putrid team to being a disfigured, gnarled mess. This game has made a lot of Pounds, and the Giants will invest some of those on Cleo Lemon and his hapless troop of losers. Teeth could get knocked out in this one which will delight the dentally-challenged Londoners. GIANTS 35-13.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+1) - I have no idea what to do here. Both teams have dynamic RB's and not much else to show. If I had to guess, the Vikes would win this one at home, but I'm terrible at guessing. That ruled out being a carny at a young age. EAGLES 24-20.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (+3.5) - This is a rivalry game. These teams hate each other. Like the Hatfields hate the McCoys. Like the Serbs hate the Croats. And like the Cincinnati police department hates the Bengals. It's gotten so bad that whenever there's a cardiac arrest, Marvin Lewis has to give an accounting of where his players have been. STEELERS 24-21 (Bengals cover)

Houston at San Diego (-9) - The Chargers might not play this game in San Diego. It all depends on the wildfires. But something tells me it is the Texans who should be on the watch for getting burnt. Sage Rosenfels came in last week, and after getting jeered about his nancy-like first name, he put in a decent showing. Don't look for the Chargers to be as forgiving. They will look to muddle him. CHARGERS 34-17.

Jacksonville at Tampa Bay (-2) - Another very tight game to predict. The Jags are coming off a short week, but it isn't like they have a grueling travel routine. Meanwhile, the Bucs offense sputtered badly in Detroit and Garcia coughed up balls like he was living up to T.O.'s vision of him. This will be a tight game. Flip a coin or just go with the home team. BUCS 16-13.

Oakland at Tennessee (-7) - The Titans faithful were probably all passed out by the time that the Texans made a historic attempt at a comeback, so they think their team won handily. This week, look for the jugs of moonshine to be waving frantically as brothers and sisters, cousins and step-cousins, cheer side by side for the hometown heroes. hopefully the fans have Kerry-proofed the flasks. TITANS 21-17(Raiders cover)

Green Bay at Denver (-3) - The schedule makers have been kind to the Broncos giving them two prime-time games in a row. This week, they look to throttle the Pack. If the NFL keeps putting competitive matchups like this on mondays, ABC is going to have to have more shenanigans on "Dancing With the Stars" to keep up. This week Marie Osmond fainted. what's next week, Wayne Newton's face falling off? The guy has a permasmile even a clown abhors. BRONCOS 28-20.

BEST BETS:

COLTS

GIANTS

BILLS

Last week:

Straight Up:    8-6

With Spread:    6-7-1

Best Bets:    2-0-1

Year to Date:

Straight Up:    61-42 (.592)

With spread:    43-52-8 (.453)

Best Bets:    10-10-1 (.500) (-$80)

We are back to almost even water. And that is even with the bone-head switch I made last week of taking the Steelers over the Broncos after I had correctly predicted the upset early in the week. That means no more late-week edits for me!! Actually, I think this is looking like a tough week to call. There are 6 or more games where the outcome could easily go either way. But I do feel confident in the Best Bets. As an extra bonus, the chance for the NFL to play in London works great timing-wise for the Sheet. Next week, our friendly Brit, Lansdowne, will be here to write his annual guest spot. Right after he's able to see things up close and personal! Three cheers for the surly ex-butler! I'll take my bye week with flying colors and probably spend it getting trashed on Tahiti. Just Remember:

"When You Want the Skinny on Picking Turn to The FatMan"