FatMan's Picks - Week 7
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by FatMan
All hands on deck!! The FatMan is cruising - - - on a Sunday afternoon. What was a dismal start to the season has turned into just being a mediocre campaign. Soon, I look to turn it into a successful year, like it appears that the Giants are doing. It could be challenging. That usually takes perseverance and hard work, and I specialize in laziness and glomming off of others. Maybe I'll just get lucky!
All I know is that we've finally turned a corner and the Best Bets have pocketed dinero three weeks in a row. And it ain't pesos, although the way the dollar is going, it might be better to have pesos in the near future. But why should I discuss stuff best relegated to MSNBC here? I shouldn't. You want financial advice, go to Merrill Lynch and pay some stooge in a suit a bunch of money to do something you can do on your own. Instead, come here and get picks from a guy in a wife-beater and pasta stains, and support an activity reserved for the Underworld. You'll feel better.
That picture was taken during my dieting "phase". Enough of the nostalgic photos - let's go to the sheet!
Week 7:
Baltimore at Buffalo (+3) - Kyle Boller gets the start. While normally, this means I would bet the ranch against his sorry ass, I think the Bills are still trying to figure out how they lost to the Cowboys. That is the type of game that can destroy a season. Well, so can being in the Patriots division. The old double-whammy!! They Pressed their luck and lost. RAVENS 24-17.
Jets at Cincinnati (-6) - The Bengals need a win in the worst way. The Jets need a shot in the arm. Scratch that - Pennington needs a new arm. When DB's are calling fair catches on passes, you might be a poor NFL QB. When the kid in row 1, section 133 is your leading WR, you might be a poor NFL QB. When you get called for intentional grounding because a 10 yard out doesn't reach the outside of the tackle box, you might be a poor NFL QB. Maybe I can get in on the action of the Blue Collar comedy tour?? BENGALS 27-13.
Minnesota at Dallas (-9.5) - This is a tough game to handicap. Dallas certainly has the firepower to explode. But Adrian Peterson is doing a damn good job in blowing up scoreboard lightbulbs. Actually, that is just a saying - I think most scoreboards have digital pixels these days. We've come a long way from the "Beat the Clock" style timekeeping. COWBOYS 27-20 (Vikes cover)
Tampa Bay at Detroit (-2) - The Bucs are having some offensive troubles and might start to use the term "running back" loosely. As in "falling down back". A guy cut in front of me in traffic yesterday, and instead of wishing him ill, I wished that he was carrying the rock for the Bucs. He immediately broke his leg. And who says positive thoughts don't work?? BUCS 21-17.
Tennessee at Houston (-4) - Good old Kerry Collins will be slinging the hash on Sunday. The Texans are hoping he does the usual routine and slings it their way. People used to call Collins selfish, but he really did mature. Just look at how he shares the ball with teammates and opponents alike. TEXANS 24-16.
New England at Miami (+16) - Sixteen point home dogs is not something a team strives for. Then again, 16 is probably light when a guy named Cleo is running the show. But maybe it will be his coming out party? I'm thinking one Cleo coming out is good enough for all of us... PATS 41-20.
Atlanta at New Orleans (-6) - ESPN never fear. If Tony Romo has a couple of rough games in a row, they can always go back to fellating last year's superhero, Reggie Bush. I once downed 12 mugs of beer poorly poured by a brand-new bartender and I got less head than Bush when he carries for 7 yards on 10 attempts. SAINTS 27-13.
San Francisco at Giants (-8) - This is a game where most people will be Giants fans. Except more than half won't be cheering for a brooding roid-head with anger issues. Well, maybe they will and just not know it....... This is the highly anticipated matchup of the two guys Chris Mortensen royally fucked up on reporting. According to the Mort, neither guy was going to play a down again after spraining shoulders. Somebody better tell Plaxico that Eli is gone. More great work from ESPN, your entertainment and shit network. GIANTS 27-13.
Kansas City at Oakland (-3) - There is one or two teams every year that no matter how you pick them, you lose. The Chefs are my nemesis this year. Every time I think they will wilt, they cook up an upset. Everytime I think they will rise like yeasty dough, they deflate like a rotten egg souffle. What will they do this week? Beets me. Upset Special! CHIEFS 24-20.
Chicago at Philadelphia (-4.5) - I think the Bears are going to pull an upset here, but something is stopping me from going with it. Could it be the iffy play at QB? Or maybe the non-existent production from RB? How about the battered D? I'll go with none of the above and say Brian Westbrook. What would Mini-Ditka's say about that? EAGLES 20-17 (Bears cover)
Pittsburgh at Denver (+3.5) - The Broncos are in desperate need of a win. Even though I'm sure their rat-faced douche of a coach will survive anyway. Last year, they collapsed and missed the playoffs. Not a peep from everyone's favorite sports mouths. Last year, the Giants collapsed and made the playoffs and you had calls for changing the playoff system to firing the coach and dismantling the team. Way to be consistent. I hope the Steelers beat the Broncs senseless which can only mean one thing.... BRONCOS 28-24.
St. Louis at Seattle (-9) - There are a lot of offensive things in Seattle - tree-hugger's hairy armpits, the smell of B.O. from Grunge rockers, paying $5 for a cup of coffee. But there has been nothing offensive about the Seahawks. These guys score less than an agoraphobic. That's right smart guy - look it up. If somebody is going to overcome woes, the Rams are the team to do it against. SEAHAWKS 27-13.
Arizona at Washington (-7) - Kurt Warner has proclaimed that he tore elbow ligaments but maintains that prayer will heal him quicker. So the guy notifies all of his friends even before the Cardinal docs are able to make a diagnosis. Why do that when all he had to do was ask The Mort to say he was out for the year?? Instant recovery! Now, he's going to miss a lot of time and either blame God or his friends for not praying hard enough. WHY HATH THOU FORESAKEN ME!!!!! REDSKINS 20-10.
Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+3) - The Jags can win here. I don't have anything to back it up. But then again, do I ever?? Upset Special Part Deux! JAGS 28-24.
BEST BETS:
BENGALS
SAINTS
PATRIOTS
Last Week:
Straight Up: 9-4
With spread: 7-4-2
Best Bets: 2-1
Year to Date:
Straight Up: 53-36 (.596)
Spread: 37-45-7 (.451)
Best Bets: 8-10 (.444) (-$280)
We're coming around. Although against the spread there have been more ties than an Alex P. Keaton closet, we are staying through the fight and duking it out. And let me tell you, we are doing it better than Evander Holyfield. I think Tyson bit off the part of his ear that listened to his body telling him, "No Mas". Either that or he is too dumb to understand Spanish. Frankly, either one is possible. Why do I go on tangents like that? Mainly because I can! Anyone who doubted me - eat crow and remember:
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan
