FatMan's Picks - Week 6

Strike up the band!!!

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Woohoo, for the first time since week 1, the FatMan finished above .500 on all three areas - straight up, with spread and best bets!! I'm so happy, my Herbie Hancock is engorged! Play me a tune band nerds!!!

So let's turn to the physics majors here. What happens when a fat man rolls down a hill?? That's right, he gains speed! Look out below!!

Now that we have Lady Mo back on our side, let's be like Stevie Winwood and roll with it. Let's go to the Sheet:

Week 6:

Carolina at Arizona (-4.5) - Kurt Warner is playing like a man possessed. He'll tell you he's possessed by God, but I think he's possessed with a decent OL, a good RB and a dominant WR. I'd love to hear Warner after a loss. I don't remember him ever coming on and saying "Well, God just didn't like us today. His praise and glory was given to the other team. Or maybe he was giving his attention to hunger in the Sudan. Ahh, who the fuck am I kidding, those ingrates are Muslim! Thanks be to God for giving me the strength to walk off the field a complete lead-footed loser." That might land me in Kathy Griffin territory.... CARDS 24-20 (Panthers cover)

St. Louis at Baltimore (-10) - We can all admit the Rams are horrid. Perhaps God is smiting them for abandoning his Golden Son Kurt, but I have a hunch it is because they have more people disabled that the 4th floor of a trauma clinic. When the gimpy McNair beats them, it will be like one of their own coming home to roost and brag about it. RAVENS 20-14 (Rams cover)

Minnesota at Chicago(-6) - Looks like the Bears get one win and the Gambinos are drooling all over them again. 6 point favorites?? The Vikes are far from impressive, but I have to believe if the Packers were gouging them with the run then Adrian Peterson can too. If not, the Lovie-fest might start getting cranked up again. Another cover by the underdog. BEARS 14-10 (Vikes cover)

Cincinnati at Kansas City (+3) - The Chefs cooked up an upset two weeks ago vs. the Bolts and then burnt the house down with a grease fire last week. Whether the head chef is Croyle or Huard it won't matter, bith will give you food poisoning. I'm not taking them again this year. They're on the list!!! BUNGLES 31-20.

Miami at Cleveland (-4.5) - You have to think it is a matter of time before the Dolphins win a game. But with a guy named Cleo Lemon at the helm?? You have to think he'll go the same route as other QB's with pussy first names like Sage Rosenfels or Heath Shuler. I think Cleo Huxtable could have a better shot. BROWNS 23-10.

New England at Dallas (+3) - The Cowboys horseshitted up a win last night, which will leave them primed to get taken down by the Pats. The only question will be if tony Romo will get blamed if he throws another few picks or if ESPN will be gargling too much milky stuff to say anything. PATS 30-23.

Washington at Green Bay (-3) - I have a feeling that Washington will bring it this week, but being in Green Bay, the Pack will pull one out. So the question becomes, can the Redskins cover?? Let me swallow the milky stuff of Farve before commenting. GRRRAGHHH. PACKERS 24-17.

Houston at Jacksonville (-6.5) - The Texans escaped with a win last week in a game they had no business even being close in. This week, they will take on the up-and-down Jags. Del Rio's squad is going to have to show me more consistency before I plunk down my reputation on them. And yes, I know my reputation carries as much weight as Tinkerbell right now. JAGS 20-17 (Texans cover)

Philadelphia at Jets (+3) - The Jets are a bad football team right now. They have a guy who puts perfect punts in the air. Unfortunately, his name is Pennington. I've seen worse throws in the scrap room of a rug factory. I know McNabb has had some struggles, but until he looks like Pennington, he hasn't hit rock bottom. EAGLES 30-20.

Oakland at San Diego (-10) - The Chargers laid a good old fashioned ass kicking on Denver last week, IN DENVER. That must have led to some long soul-searching phone calls between twins Coach K and Mike Shanahan this week, but I digress. Ride the hot hand and watch as it spanks the living shit out of the Raiders. CHARGERS 35-13.

New Orleans at Seattle (-6.5) - I keep thinking that the Saints are going to turn this thing around, and then I watch them play and I litter my carpet with regurgitated rice and beans. Dirty rice embedded with little carpet hairs is really revolting. Not Sandra Bernhard-like revolting, but pretty damn disgusting nonetheless. SEAHAWKS 35-17.

Tennessee at Tampa Bay (-3) - This is going to be a close game, a good defensive game, and one of the most boring games of the week to watch. Somebody do the honor and call me with an update. I have new carpeting in thanks to the aforementioned Saints. BUCS 20-16.

Giants at Atlanta (+3.5) - The road team has won something like the last 10 meetings between these two teams. Last week I ignored a stat like that by picking the Lions to beat the Redskins - something they hadn't done since Walt Disney was still alive. I won't make the same mistake twice. GIANTS 28-20.

BEST BETS:

BROWNS

CHARGERS

BENGALS

Last Week:

Straight Up: 9-5

With Spread: 7-6-1

Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:

Straight Up: 44-32 (.579)

With Spread: 30-41-5 (.423)

Best Bets: 6-9 (.400) (-$370)

It is still damn embarrassing to have the lowest percentage in the Best Bets, especially since I hand-pick those games . So I'm going old school. I'm going to make three new signal callers have good games in order to beat the favorites. Cleo Lemon - step right up. Brady Coyle - you're the next contestant on "Eat Dirt". Dante Culpepper - you get the starring role in "Something Borrowed, Something Black and Blue". Go ahead punks. Do you feel lucky. Well do you??