FatMan's Picks - Week 5

Fuck it all - I don't even know why I pick games anymore. I have less notches on my belt than an Olson twin. I'm withering away to a twig since I can't feed myself or my family. I was so pissed at my latest week of picks, I took a photo of my reaction:

See what I mean!! Kate Moss outweighs me now. On the bright side, after a few more weeks of hunger, my stomach will distend like a Somalian and I'll at least look fat. I've been handing more green to the Mafia than Louie the Drug dealer. They are sending me cannolis, hookers, and Italian horns just to keep my action. Pretty soon, I'll be homeless, but at least I'll have pastries and garish jewelry. Fuggetaboutit! I can't take it anymore. It stops now! I'm going to fatten myself up like a DeLuise and turn this fucking season around!! I might pull Vince Lombardi out of the ground so his sharp bones can slap me upside the head and he can give me a pep talk!

"SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE AND GET TO WORK"!!

Yes, Vince. Yes. Let's go to the sheet!

Week 5:

Arizona at St. Louis (+3) - The Rams are in disarray. Meanwhile, you'd think Bobby Ross is coaching the Cardinals the way they are doing the QB shuffle. I'm having flashbacks to Georgia Tech. The Rambling Wreck!! What the fuck does this have to do with the game at hand? Absolutely nothing! I'll go off on tangents if it will help me win. Upset Special! RAMS 24-20.

Baltimore at San Francisco (+3) - Another home dog. Home dogs don't scare me. Either does Frankenstein. Marsupials do - - - - because they're FAST(and from the looks of it - creepy)!!!! RAVENS 24-6.

San Diego at Denver (-1.5) - Fear the Chargers. Would anyone really want to play a 1-3 team who is pissed off and angry? Then again, the pock-faced Norv Turner is still in charge. The Broncos are filling bags with nickels as we speak, hoping to give him another shot to his dented mug. Norv fights back for a week. BOLTS 30-20.

Chicago at Green Bay (-3) - Are the Packers for real?? Da Bears got declawed in Detroit, so there is no expectation they will roar in the frozen North. But this year has been wacky. Not Andy Dick wacky, but wacky nonetheless. Take Farve and ride him. Not in an Andy Dick way, but you get the point. PACKERS 27-20.

ANDY%20DICK%20POWDER.jpg

Miami at Houston (-5.5) - I haven't picked the Texans this year. Maybe that's what is wrong. Houston, we have a problem. Nahhhh, that's not what's wrong. I've just sucked. Not like Andy Dick, but you get the point once again. TEXANS 20-17 (Fins cover)

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis (-10) - If Marvin Harrison can't go, the Colts will pick a person in the pregame who is holding a lucky raffle ticket to play WR. The poor schlub will only get 2 TD's. Is it politically correct to say Cadillac has a bad wheel? COLTS 31-14.

Jacksonville at Kansas City (+2.5) - I wouldn't go near this game if I were blind and couldn't tell the difference. I'd hear people wretching while trying to decide who will win. Or am I standing next to an Olson Twin again?? Why have I brought up skinny ass twins who look like gnomes twice today?? I have Dick on the brain. CHIEFS 27-17.

Cleveland at New England (-16) - The Pats are steamrolling people like a construction foreman. Meanwhile, the Browns are staying respectable. Not for long - Jane, you ignorant slut. PATS 30-17 (Browns cover)

Carolina at New Orleans (-3) - The Saints are in major need of a natural disaster. It has been the only thing to give them a gust of life in the past few years. Now, they just blow. Luckily, Carolina sucks. In an Andy Dick sort of way. SAINTS 27-13.

Jets at Giants (-3.5) - Giants Stadium. Both teams play in Giants Stadium. It must really suck to be a Jets fan and say, "I'm heading to Giants Stadium to see the Jets-Bills game." you can't even say that the stadium is a piece of shit, or you'll be making fun of your own place. Giants Stadium. I just like the sound of it. GIANTS 28-20.

Seattle at Pittsburgh (-5.5) - The fragile coffee roasters meet the burly beer swillers. The Silver meets the Gold. West vs. East. The Seahawks play away from home like they are missing their caffeine. I expect them to get jolted in this one to shake them back to reality. STEELERS 24-13.

Atlanta at Tennessee (-8.5) - I never count on the Titans to destroy any team. The might win, but I can't see a beating. Unless your best friend gets caught sleeping with your wife, sister and aunt in the same night, the outrage isn't there. How can you sleep with those 3 people in the same night?? They are all the same person! TITANS 20-14 (Falcons cover)

Detroit at Washington (-3.5) - The last time the Lions went on the road to an NFC East team, they had 60 points hurled at them. Rumor has it, the Redskins get to carry over some of the Eagles points as long as they agree not to wear the shittiest uniforms known to man. Those jerseys stunk!! Oh, wait a minute, that's just an upset I smell. LIONS 27-24.

Dallas at Buffalo (+10) - A double-digit home dog. That happens about as often as Jim Kelly being a nice guy. Drinks are on me at that asshole's bar after the game. This one might be a yawner - - Uh oh, I hope that doesn't mean I need to plug something........COWBOYS 28-14.

BEST BETS:

LIONS

STEELERS

CHARGERS

Last Week:

Straight Up: 6-8

Spread: 6-8

Best Bets: 2-1

Season to Date:

Straight Up: 35-27 (.565)

Spread: 23-35-4 (.397)

Best Bets: 2-1 (.333) (-$460)

I still suck out loud, but at least the Best Bets had a positive week. For a while, the Chargers almost made it a perfect day. But like so much else this football season, I crapped the bed. Hey, who here didn't take the Cowboys in a suicide pool and isn't dead?? The lack of hands makes me think I'm back in Morocco. Being down $460 simoleans still has me wonder how I can pay for Xmas this year. Maybe I'll have to degrade myself like Andy Dick. And with that, I leave you with one last image of our generations biggest bisexual addict/fuckwad: