FatMan's Picks - Week 3

by FatMan

Note to self - never make picks without having witty remarks. Last week, I didn't have time for substance, so I threw some picks up and got hammered. Actually, calling it getting hammered is understating the greased fist that I took. It was the worst single week The FatMan has had in 5 years! Not since the infamous week 8 in 2002 were the Best Bets 0-3 and less than 5 wins against the spread achieved. You monkeys who follow my picks blindly deserve better. And I deserve to give you better. This week you will not be disappointed, unless of course you decide not to bet. The choice, as always is yours. Please gamble responsibly and never while drinking. This statement is being brought to you by Harrah's. Now cue the Milwaukee Light commercial in 3...2....1......

Well, enough self pity. Time to get to the nitty gritty. Damn, I'm a regular Dr. Seuss!! To the sheet!

Week 3:

Arizona at Baltimore (-8) - This line is pretty high, but the murdering jackass Ray Lewis is in form, and Willis McGahee will probably knife his way through for a score or two, so go with the team in Purple. I asked my Marlin Perkins what he thought and he said, "A raven will rip a Cardinal's head off and digest it's heart in one peck". Can't argue with that. RAVENS 24-12.

Carolina at Atlanta (+4) - Which Panther team will show up - the one who stopped the Rams cold, or the ones who made Houston look like the Colts? If Harrington ends up looking like Manning, the teal and white will have issues. Who the fuck chooses teal as a uniform color, anyway?? Is it a tribute to the garish colors of the Orlando Thunder? PANTHERS 27-17.

Dallas at Chicago (-3) - This is a tough one for me to call. The Bears claw their way on D and have the home crowd behind them while the Cowboys have looked really tough the first two weeks. Look for Romo to finally get thrashed back to Earth and beg to only hold kick attempts, but don't bet too much on it. BEARS 24-17.

Jacksonville at Denver (-3) The Broncos put a less than stellar home effort in last week vs. the Raiders. If it weren't for that rat-like jacknut Shanahan waiting until a FG snap was already underway before calling time out, his team would have lost. I want to know how a guy who has OK'd chop blocking, skirts the injury reports, and pulls dirty tricks like he is a $5 hooker gets away from scrutiny. Could it be the resemblance to Coach K?? BRONCOS 24-19.

Indianapolis at Houston (+6) - On a good day, the Texans could pull off this upset. With Andre Johnson likely out, they don't. Some things aren't much simpler than that. Wish I could quote tendencies and trends to show how the Colts have a 85% chance of winning, but that would just be overkill. COLTS 34-14.

Minnesota at Kansas City (-2.5) - This game has "trap" written all over it for the Vikes. First off, they suck away from Minnesota. Second off, the Chiefs are 0-2 and have their rabid fans in front of them. Logically however, the Vikes D should keep KC in check and Adrian Peterson might tear Herm Edward's team a new hole he can scream into. I'll go with logic until proven otherwise. VIKES 24-17.

Buffalo at New England (-16.5) - The Pats are very good and the Bills aren't that good, but I don't think Brady and Co. will cover. This is a simple exercise in playing the numbers. The Gambino's are teasing us, but divisional matchups rarely exceed this kind of spread. Take the points, leave the cannoli. PATS 24-13 (Bills cover)

Miami at Jets (-3) - Has the Kellen Clemens Era begun?? Does anyone really care? The teams from NY are a combined 0-6. They might b 0-9 come Monday. There hasn't been this much ineptitude in the state since Mayor Dinkins tottered around like a blind, deaf mute. Give one of these teams a cane. Better yet, give them the cane. WHACK! Upset Special. DOLPHINS 10-7

Cleveland at Oakland (-3) - I'm surprised the state of Ohio didn't go dark last Sunday since the Bengals and Browns used all of the power available. It will probably take until next week for them to recharge. For a day, Derek Anderson was king. This week, his power will be Sapped. Yes, I know - I'm reaching for a pun. Crappy teams deserve crappy jokes. RAIDERS 28-21.

Detroit at Philadelphia (-6.5) - The Lions will come back to the rest of the Serengeti. It just is a matter of when. I think their trek starts this week with a heart-wrenching loss to Mr. Akers. I don't know how the Motor City will handle the Tigers choking and then having to watch the Lions sputter at the end. Maybe they can burn the place down and do us all a favor? EAGLES 20-17 (Lions cover)

San Francisco at Pittsburgh (-9) - The Steelers are on a roll. This week, they take on Sourdough. Put your bread on the gold and black, and you will soon be enriched. Alex Smith, welcome to Heinz Field. A word of caution - the dirt does not taste like ketchup. STEELERS 28-10.

San Diego at Green Bay (+4.5) - A home underdog is always tempting to take, but I just can't see the cheeseheads slowing down LT AND scoring against the SD defense. Farve may just throw 4 picks. But I bet the announcers call him gritty while he's doing it. BOLTS 28-13.

Cincinnati at Seattle (-3.5) - This is an incredibly hard game to handicap. The Seahawks are very good at home and take on a team very poor on the road who just gave up over a half-century of points. Plus, the trip out West gives the boys from Ohio a lot of time to get arrested. When it's raining in the Upper Northwest what else is there to do but break the law?? a bad combo for a team of miscreants. SEAHAWKS 38-30.

St. Louis at Tampa Bay (-3.5) - I don't know how to figure out the Bucs. They really don't have a great offense or defense, but they seem to stay in games. But can they win them?? We'll see this week. This goes to the wire where either Bryant or Wilkins decides it with a make or miss. Count on it. BUCS 21-20 (Rams cover)

Giants at Washington (-4) - The Giants couldn't stop a Pee Wee tight end the way they are playing. How the hell can they stop Chris Cooley? They won't. Cooley will look like Kellen Winslow and Jason Campbell will look like Doug Williams. And the Giants will look like shit. REDSKINS 35-27.

Tennessee at New Orleans (-4.5) - The Big Easy might be considered that way among opponents this year. Then again, maybe they just haven't had a wind-swept tragedy to use as a motivational tool. Monday Night will give them a National Stage to shine on. Reggie Bush will be fellated for a 34 yard rushing, 40 yard receiving night and Deuce McAllister will be largely ignored for scoring two TD's. Bush would give Deuce props, but he's off to film another commercial with Peyton Manning right after the game. SAINTS 27-20.

BEST BETS:

BRONCOS

REDSKINS

SAINTS

Last Week:

Straight Up: 9-7

With Spread: 4-11-1

Best Bets: 0-3

YTD:

Straight Up: 20-12 (.625)

With Spread: 14-16-2 (.467)

Best Bets 2-4 (.333) (-$220)

The gaudy numbers from Week 1 were torn down by the absolutely dreadful ones from week 2. For the first time in recent memory, I've gone against the Giants on a Best Bet. I'm hoping for one of 2 things - buying a victory for $100, or recognizing that they are a horrid team and profit from it. I'll take the short term hit, but something tells me that my wallet will be fatter come Monday. But my mood will be shittier, and somebody will suffer - probably you jabroni's who read this sheet. An angry FatMan is not only not jolly, he's a complete prick. For the sake of decency, give the Giants a W this week. And as always:

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