FatMan's Picks - Week 16
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by FatMan
Another 10+ win week against the spread!! The FatMan is rolling and it isn't just because of the holiday weight he's putting on. From one of his worst starts ever, this is shaping up to be one of his better years against the spread ever. Now, on the Best Bets he won't touch the magical $1,570 won in 1998, but he'll be on the positive side of the ledger, something that was not a possibility when he was down $600 early on. The picks against the spread have now been over .500 TEN WEEKS IN A ROW!!!
Show me some love! Afterall, I'm making you hogs fat just in time for Christmas!! No trade secrets here, just hard work. speaking of trade secrets, I saw a special where Chefboyardee's sauce is a secret blend of spices. Is there really any reason to keep something that tastes like dogshit a secret??
I'd rather lick somebody's smelly feet. And I'm not into that. Enough of bordering on the sexually insane, let's go to the Sheet!!
WEEK 16:
Pittsburgh at St. Louis (+7.5) - The Rams are a mess and the Steelers need this game badly. I know Pittsburgh isn't the greatest on the road, but the Rams laid an egg against the Pack in their dome, and I can't see them improving on that performance. I might get a call to be on OL for them they've had so many injuries, and they'll just calling my agent because they've heard I'm fat. STEELERS 28-13.
Dallas at Carolina (+13) - The Panthers really played inspired last week - Dallas not so much. Instead of just realizing they lost a game to a divisional opponent, we now have to create "ThumbGate" so the loss can be excused away. I'd like to take that thumb and shove it somewhere, and it ain't up the skirt of some blonde skank in a pink number 8 jersey. COWBOYS 27-20 (Panthers cover)
Atlanta at Arizona (-10.5) - Another January, another absence of Arizona. It's as predictable as "The Soup" making fun of Britney Spears. They are who I thought they were. Year after year after excruciating year. CARDS 31-10.
Green Bay at Chicago (+7) - Kyle Orton looks like a malnourished mountain man. He has the arm strength to match it. I swear he uses that crazy ass hair style to try and appear bigger than he actually is - but he looks like Muggsy Bogues out there. He doesn't just looks small - he plays it too. PACKERS 28-7.
Cleveland at Cincinnati (+3) - I keep having the feeling that the Bengals are going to play well, then I see a couple of jackasses flapping their gums instead of performing. I'd hate to be a wall in Carson Palmer's house. BROWNS 24-19.
Kansas City at Detroit (-4.5) - This is a game of two teams going the same direction - a freefall downward. These are the worst to predict because both are quitting. As a rule, I go with the home squad, but why that's a rule I don't know. It's like wondering why Pamela Anderson gets married over and over again. It's useless. LIONS 24-17.
Houston at Indianapolis (-7) - The Texans need this game big time and the Colts have been less than impressive lately, but Manning is deadly at home. Betting against the Colts after Thanksgiving is just asking to take a jar of Vasoline to the local correctional facility. The only place I want to see Bubba is in the frozen hamburger section. COLTS 35-20.
Oakland at Jacksonville (-13) - I'll give the Raiders credit, they have not quit! They may suck, but they fight to the death to let you know that. I mean, they aren't yelling "This is Sparta" at effeminate looking rulers, but you get the point. JAGUARS 27-13.
Washington at Minnesota (-5) - The Redskins need this game, but they are more nicked up than a blind man shaving with shale. You might ask yourself, "Why would a blind man shave with shale", but don't. It isn't worth it. Just go with the flow, Captain. VIKINGS 20-10.
Miami at New England (-21.5) - If nothing else, this will serve as a pre-cursor to Xmas Eve by providing an opportunity for Jim Kiick, Larry Czonka, Nick Buonocotti, and Mercury Morris to get rip-roaring drunk. Hey, for teamwork's sake, maybe Bob Kraft will join them, even if it is just to steal some booze. PATS 27-17 (Dolphins cover)
Philadelphia at New Orleans (-3) - The Eagles are officially eliminated at the Saints need two in a row for any shot. Normally, I'd say this is a lay-up for the Saints, but we see this kind of scenario year after year where an inconsistent team has a chance to take the playoffs by storm and they stumble to a team with heart. Philly won't quit. The Saints might. Upset special! EAGLES 24-20.
Giants at Buffalo (+3) - Can the giants win in the cold or will they decide to chuck the rock 52 times again?? It's almost like they dusted off a playbook from the Summer and said, "Hey, let's use this thing against the Redskins". Hey Einstein - the wind was blowing 30mph last week. Run the fucking ball!! GIANTS 24-13.
Baltimore at Seattle (-11) - Hi, I'm Brian Billick and I'm a smug asshole. And now I'm reaping the rewards of it by having teams lining up to rout me. Unfortunately I can't do a damn thing to stop it. SEAHAWKS 28-6.
My plastic jacket looks like it costs _____________
Tampa Bay at San Francisco (+7) - There's a new QB in town in SF. He might lead them to 6 wins next year. So much for #1 picks these days. Meanwhile, old, gay Jeff Garcia is still taking teams to the postseason. Get me a veteran. BUCS 24-6.
Jets at Tennessee (-9) - The Jets gave their all last week and will be shot for this one. The Titans will take this game going away and have the comfort in knowing that they'll be the best team sitting on their asses watching the playoffs. Grab some Twizzlers, men. TITANS 27-13.
Denver at San Diego (-8.5) - The Chargers, ahem, Norv Turner, finally figured out that running the ball might lead to victories. Why it took him 12 games to figure this out - I really don't know. Does Clearasil have side effects that include making errors in judgement? CHARGERS 35-20.
BEST BETS:
CHARGERS
CARDINALS
EAGLES
Last Week:
Straight Up: 11-5
With Spread: 11-5
Best Bets: 2-1
Year to Date:
Straight Up: 148-76 (.661)
Against Spread: 119-93-12 (.561)
Best Bets: 24-19-2 (.558) (+$340)
Screw taking a ride on the Polar Express, hop on the fast track with the FatMan Freight Train. CHOO CHOO!! Steaming forward 10 weeks in a row is not a chance event, it is sustained excellence. I like that term. Sustained Excellence. I think it makes me sound like even more of a pretentious prick. You guys might think that's a negative - not me!! I'd be British if those snooty fucks would accept me. And with all of the crappy food over there, I'd probably be thinner. Speaking of being thinner:
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan
