FatMan's Picks - Week 12

A bittersweet week just passed. Was excellent straight up and against the spread, but the Best Bets came in at 1-2, and if those ones aren't cashing in, then I can't call it a good week. At least the Giants salvaged me a win and kept my coffers just a little under water. But it was the 8th straight week of being .500 or above against the spread. That is a feat not many accomplish. At least I'm not fading like a Carolina Panther. Maybe they need to bring back the Good Old Doctor who used to prescribe special "pills" to the players. Calling Dr. James Shortt. Dr. Shortt. Please report to Charlotte.

Some people say that I don't need steroids because my head is already too big as it is. I tell them that they should get their head out of their ass. HGH grows heads, steroids shrink them. Just ask Tony "Peanut Balls" Mandarich.

Well enough about drugs. Let's move onto the sex and rock and roll portion.......

On second thought, can somebody pass me the drugs??? Let's go to The Sheet!!

Week 12:

Jets at Dallas (-14) - Would it be proper form to vomit giblets, gravy and turkey when the Romo Lovefest is in full swing?? If I'm lucky the tryptophan will have kicked in by then and I can sleep it off. It's not like I'll be missing a barn burner. COWBOYS 31-10.

Green Bay at Detroit (+3) - OK, at least watching this game my stomach should be OK. Of course, if the announcers decide to keep up with CBS and will try to see who can give the best hand job of Favre vs. Romo, I might lose weight on Thursday rather than gain it. Jon Kitna better hope he doesn't get the stuffing knocked right out of him. PACKERS 27-20.

Indianapolis at Atlanta (+11.5) - On the bright side, since the NFL Network and the cable companies haven't come to terms, most of America will miss this game. On the other hand, I'm one of the schmucks with the football package. I think first thing Friday AM I'm going to have to call the Mary Kate Bulimia Hotline. Wouldn't it be ironic if I spoke to somebody named Ralph? COLTS 24-17 (Falcons cover)

San Francisco at Arizona (-10.5) - Just when you think you've recovered from the hideous games on Thursday, you get this fine exhibition to watch. Couldn't they have shipped this off to Mexico City again?? Sip on some clear broth, munch on crackers, and pray to the sweet lord that there won't be any Brenda Warner sightings. Your toilet bowl won't be able to take it. CARDINALS 23-17 (Niners cover)

Denver at Chicago (-1) - I hate games like this. Denver, a terrible road team travels to a cold,ass stadium where they play the inconsistent Bears. You never know which Bears team will show up, those looking to fight like a grizzly, or those looking to hibernate. It is almost winter. I need to flip a coin. BRONCOS 24-13.

Tennessee at Cincinnati (Even) - The Bengals are horribly bad. It's almost criminal how far this team has fallen. Meanwhile, the Titans have to be gnashing their teeth over the loss to Denver. On second thought, can one tooth get gnashed?? By the time this one is played out, i might need some frigging Moonshine. BENGALS 24-17.

Houston at Cleveland (-3.5) - I think this will be a good game. Probably not as good as last week where I got to see Brian Billick whine like a baby at the refs getting a call RIGHT!! I guess the egomaniac would rather win a tainted game than lose one fairly. What a horse's ass! BROWNS 33-24.

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-7.5) - The Jags are rolling. Maurice Jones-Drew is knocking men three times his size into a heap on the ground. A win here and a Wild Card slot will be almost solidified. I think Jack Del Rio is sporting wood. Better hide the axe.... JAGUARS 27-10.

Oakland at Kansas City (-5.5) - The Chefs are closing shop early. Luckily, they are playing a team who seems to be rebelling against their owner's "Just Win Baby" mantra. Then again, can you really expect a guy named Brodie to win games?? I'd say he sounds gay, but really, I think he sounds flamingly gay!! CHIEFS 27-17.

Philadelphia at New England (-23) - Folks, that is NOT a typo. The spread is larger than a Chinese Buffet. And I bet that most people will still lay money on New England. Why not, they go for 4th downs when leading by 35 and keep throwing the ball when up 42. Part of me thinks Belicheck wants to see if he can win Asshole of the Year at the same time he fondles the Lombardi Trophy. PATS 30-17 (Eagles cover)

New Orleans at Carolina (+3) - There is no logical answer to what I'm about to do. Call it a gut feeling. I sure hope it isn't just hunger or I'm going to look like a fool. PANTHERS 27-24.

Minnesota at Giants (-7) - The Giants are never a bet to blow somebody out, but I just don't see the Vikes hanging around. If they can't run they are screwed. And I think they will see a lot of 8 and 9 man fronts, forcing whomever the poor schlub will be at QB to throw it. I just wish Mike Tice was around to receive this beating. Childress looks too much like Ned Flanders for me to enjoy it. Okedy-Dokedy. GIANTS 28-14.

Baltimore at San Diego (-9.5) - The Chargers are a different team at home. Their star steroid user doesn't get blown up by a stocky midget. Brian Billick will come in with the swagger of a Cowboy. But he's no Cowboy. He can't even tell the day by the bottle that I drink and sometimes when he's alone all he does is stare at the mirror. He's going to take a ride on Sunday, though. Right to Loserville. CHARGERS 30-13.

Seattle at St. Louis (+3) - The Rams are not going to be a pushover in this one. Steven Jackson is nearly back to full strength and they are playing in the dome. This is their Super Bowl, because come a few weeks from now, they will be sitting at home for the holidays. Always fear a team playing their Super Bowl. Unless they are the Bills. RAMS 27-24.

Washington at Tampa Bay (-3) - Tampa Bay seems to slide by every week on guile and playing mistake-free football. Sooner or later, teams like that make a mistake and get thrashed. Teams like that don't do it against the Redskins though. Is somebody going to finally realize that Joe Gibbs is still coaching like it is the 80's?? Or are we going to have to wait until he gets into his 80's?? BUCS 23-13.

Miami at Pittsburgh (-16) - Can I see a show of hands who wants to play a pissed off Steeler team?? I don't even think Cam Cameron is putting up a limb. Three Dolphins just ran out of the room and Ricky Williams is asleep. STEELERS 34-13.

BEST BETS:

JAGUARS

RAMS

CHARGERS

Last Week:

Straight Up: 12-4

Against Spread: 9-5-2

Best Bets: 1-2

Year To Date:

Straight Up: 101-59 (.631)

Against Spread: 76-72-12 (.514)

Best Bets: 16-15-2 (.516) (-$20)

I'm a Andrew Jackson in the hole for the year. Not where I want to be. But better than a couple of Ben's. This is a great time for the weighty people in our society. What can be finer than deep frying or roasting a succulent bird and serving it with plates of squash, beans, potatoes, and a bevy of pies?? This is jackpot!!