FatMan's Pick Sheet - Week 1
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by FatMan
WEEK 1:
Another year and a couple hundred more dollars. Sounds like a plan to me. As you know, the FatMan does not want to brag, and at the end of last year, he had nothing to brag about. STILL - - - over the long haul, since the inception of the sheet, FatMan is pulling an astounding rate of winners down. He has only had 2 losing seasons against the spread in the last 15 years, and over that time has hit ALL games against the spread at a clip over 60%. But where you make the dough is on his Best Bets. Over the past 15 years, FatMan has hit 67% of winners in the Best Bets. But due to a new scientific invention, FatMan has been able to compile stats that shows in the first three weeks of the year, he is hitting at 75%!! Of course that means he is shitting the bed in some other weeks, but we don't like to publicize that. Here is a look at FatMan's scientific compiler: 
But hey, all of this back-slapping gets a guy's hand sore, and I want to keep the flesh intact so when I'm high-fiving after winning a bundle this week, I won't feel any pain. Of course, I can down some copious amounts of alcohol to accomplish that, as well.
For those new to the sheet here is the system:
1) Get the sheet. If you are reading this, you have the sheet. Kudos to your investigative and deductive skills.
2) Read the sheet. This may be difficult in parts of Tennessee and West Virginia, but the FatMan can't please everyone.
3) Find a bookie. With the legislation that the Government passed last year, they've actually helped keep the Gambino's in business. So if you can't find a sportsbook that is on some Caribbean island to take your action and don't live near Las Vegas, head to the local deli and ask Pasquale where you can take the first step to getting knees whacked. Of course, since you are following this sheet, no knees will get whacked on my watch. When I'm not looking - - -you are on your own....
4) Collect money every Tuesday from upset man with an Italian horn.
That's it. Follow those steps and by Christmas time, you'll have all the cash needed for gifts, with some left over for the several days of Hannukah, too.
So without further adieu, let's go to the sheet after one random thought - - -
Week 1 Random Thought:
- Is Lou Holtz doing his best impression of Jerry Van Dyke, or was Luther Van Dam created to mock Holtz? Just listen to old Lou rant on the pregame show. You decide:
The Sheet! New Orleans at Indy (-6) - The main question to answer before this game is: How many minutes will ABC/ESPN waste on entertainment for the game? Which schmuck performers are going to turn Opening Night into a Barnum and Bailey Circus? Newsflash: Football fans like to see football, not Jon Bon Jovi Living on a Prayer in the South Endzone at Giants Stadium. We want to see Reggie Bush juke, not some lame jukebox recording lip-synched by no-talent hacks. We want to see Marvin Harrison jog into the endzone, not a geriatric has-been doing the Chicken Dance to "Start Me Up". They always ask - Are You Ready For Some Football, so why do they make us wait so long and sit through so much crap before seeing it?? Defending Champs at home roll. COLTS 31-23.
Denver at Buffalo (+3) - Home dogs are tough to go against in the early going. The Bills have put a lot of effort into rebuilding their OL, but will the results be there?? Maybe if they taught their players to chop block and take swipes at the DL's knees they would do OK. Can anybody think of a team that uses that philosophy?? Wait a minute. Is somebody calling Coach K's long-lost twin, Shanahan, dirty?? BRONCOS 21-20 (Bills cover)
Kansas City at Houston (-3) - The Texans are favored?? People better either duck because the sky is falling or because pigs are flying. The Italians must really like Schaub to put the line here. Look for Larry Johnson to run over the Texan D like a Mexican cannonball going through the Alamo. The Texans are one of those teams you want to take a wait and see approach...... and then bet in 2010. Chefs cook up the upset, if one can call it that. CHIEFS 24-16.
Tennessee at Jacksonville (-6 1/2) - Will the real Vince Young please step up?? What a way for management to support a fine young player. Let the top rusher leave in the off-season, and let the best possession WR leave in the off-season. More people are getting extracted from Tennessee than rotting bicuspids. And unfortunately, too many drunken yahoos will be hungover from the Volunteer game on Saturday to make the trip south on Sunday. Big advantage - Jaguars. JAGS 28-17.
Atlanta at Minnesota (-3) - The Vikes had a great draft this year, while the Falcons have had a dog of an offseason. Joey Harrington has one last chance, but rumor has it if he fails, he's going to be thrown into a tub of cold water and electrocuted. Or maybe picked up and slammed on the concrete until his neck breaks. Now that would just be Bad Newz. VIKINGS 27-13.
New England at Jets (+6 1/2) - This is a tough one to call. The Jets play the Pats tough, even with a rag-armed QB. They have a Belicheck protege on the sideline and a better than average D. This might be a good spot for an upset, but I never like to bet against Tom Brady. The man dates supermodels and impregnates hot actresses. He is what Tony Romo aspires to be. PATS 17-13 (Jets cover)
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Detroit at Oakland (-2) - The Lions are a sexy pick for some this year. Afterall, they have more split ends than a bleach blonde convention. But underneath all that sexiness lies the dark roots of Matt Millen. This guy must have photos of every member of the Lions with some skank. We'll probably figure out the mystery of Amelia Earhart's disappearance before figuring out how this stiff keeps his day job. LIONS 24-13.
Philadelphia at Green Bay (+3) - Another home dog that I don't like to go against. Sure, the Lambeau Mystique has faded as the talent level of the team has dropped, but still - it is not easy to go up to a land of over-stuffed cheese-heads and get a win. Every Wisconsin resident whose name ends in -ski has waited 9 long months and chomped through hundreds of pounds of brats just for this day. And Farve does not want to let every Wojohowski, Wiesnewski, and Stanilawski down. PACKERS 21-17.
Pittsburgh at Cleveland(+4 1/2) - The Brady Quinn Era doesn't begin. Yet. After this week, it might be here before Charlie Frye can whisper Polamalu through a breathing tube. STEELERS 27-17.
Chicago at San Diego(-6) - The best thing about this trip for the Bears is that it will be sunny out. Sunshine might be spread all over the place but Grossman won't be putting on a happy face. However, he might have a Merriman old time. Rex is the number 3 top name for a dog. It fits, too. CHARGERS 34-20.
Tampa Bay at Seattle(-6) - Tampa Bay can't even say it will be sunny in Seattle. If they have any luck, one of their 4 QB's will partake in the Northwest's favorite hobby - suicide. It would make Gruden's life much easier. Bruce Gradkowski would bet on it. SEAHAWKS 27-7.
On second thought, if three off themselves - somebody is a winner!
Carolina at St. Louis(-1) - The Greatest Show on Turf might have lost a few steps, but Steven Jackson has more than enough moves to make up for the rest of his aging compadres. He thinks he can rush for 2,000 yards or more this year. If the bumbling jackass Mike Martz was there, I'd give him a good chance, but Linehan will spread the ball around and get Jackson some receptions too. He won't get 2,000 yards, but he'll get more wins. Hopefully Jackson will buck the trend of today's athlete and not complain. RAMS 28-24.
Miami at Washington (-3) - I don't know what to make of this game. I wouldn't go near it with a 10 foot Pole. Actually, there might only be 10 foot Chinese, but you get my point. Neither team floats my boat, but I'm struggling to see how the Redskins will score. Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas might be Brother-in-law's, but one is going to get pissed when the other is fucking Joe Gibbs. DOLPHINS 20-13.
Giants at Cowboys (-5 1/2) - America's Most Overhyped Team is on Sunday Night. Tony Romo was the glamour boy last year until he handled a slick ball like he was a gay virgin. Still, ESPN couldn't get enough of him. Get ready for them to call it a fluke when Big Blue travels to the shittiest stadium in the league and delivers a beating. Have you ever seen Texas Stadium from the outside? Blech. GIANTS 24-21.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (-2 1/2) - This might be one of the most entertaining games of the week. Two teams filled with thugs headed up by two arrogant jackasses bashing in each others heads. Sounds like a win-win for all involved. Except for Kyle Boller who loses no matter what he does. Look for Ocho Cinco to go Tone Loco and get a TD late in the game to seal a tough win. BENGALS 20-14.
Arizona at San Francisco (-3) - These teams must feel like they get no love. First, they were banished to Mexico a couple of years ago in a game only the players parents watched, and now they start at 10PM opening night in a game only the West Coast will be awake for. Raider fans will either be too drunk or in jail to tune in, and half of SF will be sipping on wine and feeling each others stubble to care. The Upper Northwest will be making nooses, and after this game comes on, look for them to get tightened. I hope this experiment ends this year. NINERS 30-20.
BEST BETS:
RAMS
VIKINGS
SEAHAWKS
There you have it, the first week of the FatMan's Road to Cash Accumulation. You can either hop on the train or be left in the middle of the tracks, like a bum stumbling to his untimely demise next to an empty bottle of Wild Irish Rose.
Don't be that guy. Be you own man. A rich man. And let's face it, some people will take the time to follow smarmy fuckers like Tony Robbins or a guy with a fake British accent and a bow tie. With me, you get to follow a guy who talks sports, culture, and will throw in the occasional Norv Turner acne insult. So you can either look like a person who had his face bashed with a flaming bag of nickels, or you can make coin, and lots of it. Chew on that for awhile. Speaking of chewing - -
When you want the skinny on picking - Turn to The FatMan!
