Excerpts from the Sports Cynic's Wordbook by Manny Stiles

Warning: This is a "Not Original Idea" sponsored by Manny Stiles with an original Dr. Commento twist. Amateurs borrow, professionals steal. Do not attempt this at home.

The Sports Devil's Dictionary

If you are familiar with American humorist/political satirist Ambrose Bierce (or go look him up real quick) then you know what I'm aiming for here - Bierce's The Cynic's Word Book (later published as a volume called The Devil's Dictionary) was a bi-weekly newspaper piece from 1881 - 1906. It contained bitingly cynical and harshfully truthful "alternate" definitions to commonly used terms that when read today are just as cynical and truthful.

An example of Bierce's work -

"DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic."

This is my application of his style to our modern world of sports, here in an electronic medium because dammit I am that cynical - my optimism is fueled by the thought that all optimists die eventually - and someone is gonna try to do this eventually, might as well be Uncle Manny (so I can ruin it the best).

Sports Cynic’s Wordbook (Sports Devil’s Dictionary)

by Manny Stiles

Agent – n. The person who silently proclaims with a pen and a certain retained percentage that he has robbed both team and player’s pocket with his tongue.

Arbitration – n. An event in which an agent on behalf of a player contorts the past in order to contort his own future.

Asterisk – n. A device used to declare an event to be less noteworthy by making it more noteworthy.

Baseball – n. A game first played correctly by Lou Piniella when he tossed a base in a manner like a ball. It is a term more commonly misused for a 19th century game known as Round Wicket and Pussyhands.

Basketball – n. A glorified game of “throw the garbage in the can”. Some players have mastered the art of being both “garbage” and “in the can” at the same time. Also see: Bonzi Wells

What would a Manny Stiles article be without a picture"?

Bias – n. A fervently obstinate opinion not in agreement with my zealous prejudice.

Cheating – n. The act of playing a game by only the rules one feels are most important.

Choke – v. To perform a disagreeable feat within the realm of expectation occurring in direct correlation to the fortune of another player that performs within the realm of expectation at any particular moment an observer decides to label the happening as such.

Clutch – n. The performance of an agreeable feat within the realm of expectation occurring in direct correlation to the misfortune of another player that performs within the realm of expectation at any particular moment an observer decides to label the happening as such.

Color Man – n. A person in the profession of continually informing us of their abundant stupidity and pointlessness.

Diehard Fan – n. A dedicated person so unbendingly resistant to reason and rational dialogue for which there is no available treatment but death.

Error – n. An act in which the favored result fails to result in favor. There are two types of errors: misfortune caused by our effort and good fortune caused by our effort.

Fine – n. or v. Either it’s okay by the commissioner, or it’s fine.

Football – n. A formal social event for many people who share a very particular fetish.

Free Agent- n. A player that is not free and rarely a “gent”. Willing to play for whatever team’s colors are the most easily overshadowed by the color of said team’s money.

Hockey – n. A person who had to pawn their valuable belongings in order to afford the equipment necessary to play various games on ice. Alternate spelling: Hockee

Holdout – n. The maneuver and calculated positioning of a player’s hand displayed when he wants to be “shown the money”. It is often accompanied with a pointed finger aimed directly into the palm with a repeated touching motion.

Hype – n or v. – Habitual lies told by the Media about impending sporting events on behalf of airing networks so they can hype prices to advertisers who can hype their wares.

Intentional Walk – n. The "leverage" applied during a holdout by a player to his employing team to demonstrate how seriously unhappy he is with his current contract or playing status.

Leverage – n. Not honoring your previously agreement in contract in hopes of agreeing to another, more propitious contract that you will indubitably not honor later.

Manager – n. – A relief pitcher whose purpose is to decrease his coach’s lifespan.

Media – n. A throng of working people whose purpose is to concisely dumb down an event in order to make us all more dumber.

Next Year – n. A time in which all possibilities are prosperous, pure happiness is guaranteed and likely shortcomings are inconceivable and unrealistic.

Play-by-Play Announcer – n. A person whose profession it is to tell us what we just saw or in the case of a radio play-by-play announcer, that we need a new TV. Secondary function is to distract the Color Guy from expanding on his stupidity and pointlessness.

Prima Donna – n. A player in need of special attention and steeped in overvalued self-worth whose primary interest is admiring his own greatness instead of mine.

Scandal - n. A happening that occurs when a member of the media accidentally leaks a clear and concise truth in front of the listening public.

Slugging Percentage – n. A calculation used to determine what ratio of a player’s arrests are of the domestic violence variety.

Stolen Base – n. Phenomenon that occurs when one player smokes another player’s crack rock without first receiving permission.

Sweep – n. or v. To dispose of another team in a manner that is reminiscent to the treatment of common dirt. If it happens to your team, reminders and suggestions of the event occurring are quickly swept under the rug.

Trade – n. Concurrent attempts to exchange one’s perceived trash for the prospect of imaginary treasure.

World Champion – n. A group of people defined as seasonal vanquishers of their particular regional pursuit. They are solely responsible for terminating the enjoyment of their game for the people of their world. Not to be confused with Earth Champions.