David Stern Bites More Off Than He Can Chew

by user LastRow

Why does it seem David Stern always has something up his ass? First it was the whole dress code thing, followed by the new ball, followed by players on the court MUST have their jersey tucked in at all times, to players must now remove their warm-ups at the bench instead of stripping at the scorers table…Not to mention he goes and changes the game ball to that of something that us sports fans might find on the shelves of a local K-Mart, Wal-Mart, or Target (whichever you prefer). Oh let’s not forget his obsessions with fining Mark Cuban whenever he gets ants in the pants. Now Big Dave, sorry to say…You’ve gone to far.

Now you would like to ban all NBA players from having guns…Oh wait, having guns outside the home. Well sorry DS, this is one thing you can’t mandate! See we have this little thing called the second amendment in this country that allows us to be packing as we damn well please. Isn’t that a bitch…While you’d prefer firearms to be left at home there’s not a damn thing you can do about this. So your little cry out to the public has just really fallen on deaf ears…Well, except for mine, because it’s my job to point out how dumb people are. Today’s your lucky day, Dave.

So you’d rather your players keep guns in their homes to protect themselves. Um, excuse me…While I’ve never been to a big time athletes home, (only seen them on TV). In order for a crazed lunatic to even reach the home one would have to climb walls, out run dogs, and hope not to get picked off by a sniper on the roof. So the odds of your players not feeling safe in their homes to quite humorous to think. Here’s a news flash…The home, yeah, that’s the safest place for these big timers to be. You should know that…Every time you go out, I’m sure at least somebody on a daily basis wants to put a cap in your ass if not more. Do you think it’s really safe for you to travel to Dallas without one seeing as how you screwed the Mavs last year? And just a question, who’s going to threaten them in their own house? Smokey the dog? I didn’t know a dog biting his owner constitutes as a threat? Got to call PETA about that…You do have their number?

I will agree with you on one thing when you say, “I think that if you carry a gun, your chances of being shot by one increase dramatically." Yes, but getting behind the wheel of an automobile going to the local strip club enhances your chance of getting in a car accident…Or in the case of Stephen Jackson, a shootout not of the three-point variety though. Why does this plea from you sound like the same kind of one I heard from a 5-year old this afternoon pleading & begging his mother to buy him the new Elmo doll? “Please Mom, Please buy Elmo for me…I’ll do anything you want!” This went on for about 10 minutes. I was half asset tempted to buy it for the snot nose, little ankle bitter bastard just so he would SHUT THE HELL UP! I’m seeing some of those same whining characteristics in you Dave! “PLEASE DON’T CARRY GUNS…PLEASE!” I thought you were a bigger man than that? Would a nice new Elmo cheer you up?

“Those guns actually make them less safe. And it's a real issue." No, sorry DS…The real issue here is you just want to do more policing around the NBA. These are grown men, bud…If somebody wants to be packing, let them pack. If they get shot & they die, well sometimes the slippery ball bounces that way, love them slippery balls. The only thing that you can control is not allowing players to carry them on any league or team business…See, I read my copy of the NBA's collective bargaining agreement. Doesn’t that just burn your ass DS…I bet it does! You can’t do nothing about this…Well except for the fact that you can always throw these little temper tantrums that honestly are quite amusing! Gives me good shit to write about. I haven’t seen an adult throw this kind of tantrum since the days of Nancy & Tonya!

WHY, WHHYYY, WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY…Isn’t that how it went, David?

Vote on the "Better Pigskin Gag Fest?” in LastRowSports.com Pick'em vote! Do your part in this sports society!