Congratulations, New England Patriots!!! You Are The Winners of a New Fan!!!
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A friend of mine asked me the other day...
"Manny, isn't there something you can do about the Patriots? I'm so sick of this 'undefeated' bullship."
So I thought about it for a while...
There's nothing I want to do about it. They can go undefeated for the rest of forever and it really won't affect my days on this planet. It's not like an undefeated NFL team will alter gravity or squelch the sun or create a cancer that attacks cancer.
But then I thought about it more...
There is something I could do, for sure!
I could jump on the bandwagon!
I've got it all figured out - this is gonna work!
Congratulations, Pats fans!
You have won a brand new bandwagon fan! Manny Stiles!
Come on, seriously... I've rooted for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in their last year (of MLB's worst record and) of the "Devil". I root for the Suns when clearly supplanted by (Heil!) David Sternler and his hiring of the "mob" to "sway" Tim Harvey Donaghy's non-whistle blowing of the scripted whistle blowing...
I haven't gotten around to forgiving hockey yet (hello, XFL like nicknames for all the Alphabet Soup names on the sweaters please...) and since I don't really care about football due to my proximity to the Arizona Cardinals (Homer: "keep walking") I figured I could kill 4 birds with one hop on the bandwagon.
Why the Patriots?
1) I never liked them before. I hated the old ugly uniforms and I hate the new(er) design even more! But I wanted to make a small change in life... Divorce is messy, giving my kids up for adoption is too much paperwork, but I could jump on the biggest bandwagon in sports history!
2) This way I inject a change of mindset in my already-too-comfortable realm. Maybe I will start to "see" new angles on paintings I've been working on or the clash of my inner demons and angels will inspire some unique prose and verse for me to read at my next Poetry night... Regardless, I will wake up tomorrow and say... "Oh yeah, I'm a Patriots fan! Fack it all, I'm a winner. Woo!"
3) I'll have more to read since everyone writes about the Patriots and how they are the BEST EVER!!!
4) I'm ready to admit that I was wrong. I succumb to your awesomeness, Patriots.
5) Old England is really starting to piss me off a tad.
6) Tom Brady is much more handsome and somewhat cooler than my God. And Tom Brady is WAAAY less angry and let's be honest... Brady isn't exactly the Natural Disaster/Plagues type of guy.
7) What's the best number in a "Top 10" list to blow off for the purpose a cheap joke? It's gotta be seven. Yeah, seven...
8) Eight would probably be the more popular pick for a cheap joke but you'd have to be out of your mind to try that joke right after trying it on seven. Eight, Eight... I forget what eight is for...
9) "Platinum Boot" Gostkowski needs his own legend. A Manny Stiles hip-hop song perhaps?
10) I'm American, dammit. Even though I think the Patriot Act is a crock of ship, I like being patriotic if it doesn't involve me doing much!
But Manny, aren't you a "living curse" to all things involving winning?
Exactly. And it's time for THAT to change!
If any team can reverse my Fan Fortune, it's the Patriots! I mean, they are so awesome! And all their fans are awesome! Plus, they win the Super Bowl like every year.
I've never really liked a REAL winner. Sure, I was a representin' Packers fan in PA starting in 1988. I chose to like the last team I could think of and the Packers were the winner/loser. Then they drafted Sterling Sharpe and I was ALL IN. The Packers were MY team and I was the only one I would encounter where I lived - Gang Green Territory. Then it happened... "IT" being Free Agency.
Once Reggie White left Philly for the Packers, I wasn't alone anymore rocking the 'G'. And when Sterling retired, I still followed the Packers but my heart was empty of football joy. When the Pack won the Super over the ugly-helmeted Patriots, I wished them luck and became a Buccaneers fan. Tampa Bay was the new Green Bay. I had my brother in Tampa (whom I still was "civil" with then) send me all kinds of orange Bucs gear - "Buc 'em up! But then they got rid of the hideous orange unis (which was the reason they were worthy of my liking) and they started winning... but without me drinking the Orange Flav-O Aid they had lost me.
Of course, the Bucs turned around the fortune of the worst franchise in Pro Sports, won the Super Bowl and I haven't "had my own NFL team" since.
I'm confident that when the Rays win the World Series I'll find a new perrenial loser to befriend.
Sure, there's the Arizona Cardinals... but were you paying attention when I mentioned the letters N.F.L.?
This ain't for charity!
This time it's personal!
You're just doing this as some sort of stunt!
No, I want a team to root for in the playoffs. The Colts won last year, so they suck. The Broncos, Steelers and every other AFC "contender" clearly suck. And you don't need to fork over $20 to a Miss Cleo knockoff to know that every team in the NFC sucks.
And I deserve to enjoy some winning in my life. I will even accept total blame if the Pats don't go undefeated or don't win the Super Bowl! It will be like that time I talked on and on about a no-hitter until I started talking about the one hitter which quickly turned into a 8 run inning - I remembered what 8 was for!!!
I wanted to wait until they got REALLY good
Come on, we all know that if I was rooting for the Patriots from the begining of the season they would have lost 3-4 games already and Tom Brady would have been injured for a couple weeks now and Randy Moss would be the proverbial grain of sand in the bearded clam.
You're not a real fan!
Au contraire! Sure, I won't be making comments about "man love" for any Pats players but I've always liked Randy Moss, tolerated Tom Brady's sick run of luck similar to Barry Bonds' 2001-2004 - funny, Barry and Tom went to the SAME high school!?!?!
I'll tell you this - you won't hear me saying stupid stuff like "It would be better if we lost a game before the playoffs". What kind of fan says something stupid like that? I want us to crush EVERY team.
Because I LOVE Pat's King of Steaks
If only for the Two sweetest words that can be uttered in South Philadelphia:
"American, wit'"
But Manny, you've said a thousand times "the Pats have the ugliest possible uniforms in Sports"
Eh... I think it was more like ten thousand times.
That was then, this is now - stop living in the past!
Yes, I'm ALWAYS saying "We" and "Us" when referencing my Patriots from now on!
We have the BEST coach ever in Bill Belichick - hey, he never cheated at getting caught cheating!
We have the BEST Quarterback in the history of Sports! Tom is wicked awesome!
We have the BEST Offensive Line ever imagined. Seriously, I can't even make a better O-Line on Madden.
We have a tough, rugged defense! BEST EVER in the history of BEST EVERs!
Rodney Harrison TOTALLY deserves to be mentioned in the same sentence as "Pro Football Hall of Fame" even in some circles without the "...needs to buy tickets to get in the..."
Junior Seau was awesome, then he sucked, then he sucked worse, then he retired and became a Patriot and now he's awesome again! I should have started rooting for the Pats after I retired (the first time)!
But Bandwagoners are Scum!
Yeah, so?
Because the 1950's Browns played inferior talent!
There's not enough attention paid to undefeated teams anymore! I mean, when is the last time you heard someone talk about an undefeated pro sports team? It hardly EVER happens anymore!
History needs me to pay closer attention!
And reverse psychology never seems to work...
Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em, eh Manny?
What are you talking about? We can beat 'em ALL! BEST EVER! BEST EVER!! BEST EVER!!!
So let's Go, Pats fans!!! Welcome me aboard! I know you won't let me drive, but I'm ON the bandwagon! Weeeeee!!!
Don't we have a "Fight Song" I can learn?
