Coach Speak
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by user The shark
I was browsing through some old books at a second-hand bookstore the other day and found a very interesting one called "Coach Speak". A very interesting read. It actually makes understanding football coaches' press conferences much easier to understand.
Here are a couple of examples:
WHEN HE SAYS: "I have complete confidence in (insert player's name here). He is our starting quarterback."
HE MEANS: "Obviously, if (so-and-so) was playing well, you wouldn't be asking me about this. His job is definitely on the line. Our offensive line coach is currently out trying to find a pair of headphones that fit him."
WHEN HE SAYS: "We were lucky to win today. That was a tough and determined team that we beat."
HE MEANS: "That team doesn't belong on the same field as us, but when their head coach gets fired next week and ends up on my staff, I need him to want to work for me. By the way, our GM should know better than to take a chance on this guy. He should be coaching high school tennis."
WHEN HE SAYS: "It's flattering to be mentioned for the head coaching job at (insert school/team name here), but I am completely focused on helping this team win. I'm not going anywhere."
HE MEANS: "I can't wait to get there! It's a huge raise! Now I'll finally be able to afford those baby seal seat covers for my Rolls Royce."
WHEN HE SAYS: "We're not thinking about (insert huge rivalry team name). We're focused on our next game and our next opponent."
HE MEANS: "Of course we're thinking about (rivalry team). We've had it circled on our schedule since they whooped us the last time. Besides, if we lose a game between now and then, looking ahead will make a good excuse for the loss."
WHEN HE SAYS: "We got embarrassed. Absolutely embarrassed! They owned us today. They beat us in every aspect of the game. They out-played us. They out-coached us. They out-prepared us. They owned us."
HE MEANS: "I am embarrassed. Despite a flawless game plan, they simply out-played us. I might suit up and play the next game if this is all my guys have."
WHEN HE SAYS: "Alright, men. This is going to be a real test today. These guys have the best record in the league. They might have more talent than us, but they can't match our desire, our heart, or our effort. Now go out there and battle!"
HE MEANS: "Hoo-wee. This is gonna get ugly early. Please don't get blown out. My ass is already in the hot seat and my wife has some pretty expensive tastes."
WHEN HE SAYS: "Despite a couple of questionable officiating calls, we battled to a hard-fought victory."
HE MEANS: "HOLY MOSES! Did you see that travesty? That officiating squad wasn't worthy of washing our jockstraps! What a joke! I mean, if I'd known that we had to beat the other team and the referees, I'd've gameplanned differently. You know, run more crossing routes and runs up the middle. They don't wear pads, for crying out loud! It's not too difficult to knock an official out of a game!"
WHEN HE SAYS: "The front office guys have a job to do. And I have a job to do. My job is to coach the guys they give me. It's that simple."
HE MEANS: "If the front office guys didn't have the right to fire me, I'd tell you that we've lost four games in a row because of personnel. A head coach can only do so much. We devise the game plan and call the plays. If our players are overmatched, then that's on them."
OR: "If they want you to cook the dinner, then they oughta let you shop for the groceries."
WHEN HE SAYS: "The Bears are who we thought they were! If you want to crown their ass, then crown their ass! They are who we thought they were and we let them off the hook!"
HE MEANS: "The Bears are who we thought they were! If you want to crown their ass, then crown their ass! They are who we thought they were and we let them off the hook!"
- Necessary Legal Disclaimer: "Coach Speak" is not a real book.
