Clubhouse cancer
Someone who destroys a team's chemistry, usually off the field/court/ice rather than on. Clubhouse cancers can come in a variety of different forms:
1. The Prima Donna. Uber-talented guys who know it and invariably create strife with teammates over things like touches and $$ (or sometimes for no reason at all). A variant on this is the "Aloof Prima Donna", a player who won't speak to/interact with his teammates because he deems them "inferior" to him. Examples: Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez, Albert Belle, Curt Schilling, Rickey Henderson, Kenny Lofton, Scott Rolen, Reggie Jackson, Tiki Barber, Dick Allen, Jeff Kent, Kobe Bryant (pre-2008).
2. The Douchebag. Chronic malcontents who act like total assholes to opponents and teammates alike. The difference between the Prima Donna and the Douchebag is that Prima Donnas are actually good players; Douchebags suck and still act like toolstores. Examples: A.J. Pierzynski, Milton Bradley, Sean Avery, Micheal Ray Richardson, Jeff George, Kenny Anderson, Jeremy Shockey, Shea Hillenbrand, Julian Tavarez, Johnny Estrada, Carl Everett, Jose Guillen, Bobby Bonilla, Michael Barrett, John Rocker, Carlos Delgado, Gordan Giricek, Marcus Banks.
3. The Thug. Guys who have criminal tendencies/rap sheets and are constantly creating distractions for the team with their off-field incidents. In an added bonus, they're also frequently bad influences on younger teammates, infecting them and creating a new crop of Thugs. Examples: Pacman Jones, Chris Henry, Elijah Dukes, Zach Randolph, Delmon Young, Ruben Patterson, Anthony Mason, Qyntel Woods, Lawrence Phillips, Ugueth Urbina.
4. The Distraction. Attention whores who, for whatever reason, can't help themselves and must seek notoriety through whatever means possible. This is often detrimental to the team and distracts from the goal of winning, but these guys are selfish and put themselves above everyone else. Examples: Manny Ramirez, Dennis Rodman, Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson, Bonzi Wells, Deion Sanders, Lastings Milledge, plus Randy Moss, Stephen Jackson, & Rasheed Wallace (former members, apparently rehabilitated).
5. The Overpaid, Lazy/Injury-Prone Bastard. A guy who cashes in on a handful of good performances (usually just one) and coasts on them forever. Note: this type is usually accompanied by chronic injury problems. Examples: Jerome James, Ken Griffey Jr. in Cincinnati, Carl Pavano, Tim Thomas (NBA), Darius Miles, Mike Hampton, Darren Dreifort, Mike James, Andruw Jones, Alex Kovalev, Nomar Garciaparra, Gilbert Arenas.
7. The Ultimate Cancer. Ultimate Cancers combine at least some elements of almost all of the other types of clubhouse cancers. For instance, they'll frequently have legal problems, act like asshats to teammates, *and* be drastically overpaid. In fact, one usually needs to obliterate an entire team to achieve this lofty status. Needless to say, it takes a rare set of personality disorders to join an elite group of epic clubhouse cancers like this. Examples: Stephon Marbury, Ryan Leaf, Terrell Owens, Isaiah Rider, Ron Artest, Michael Vick.
It's a documented fact that the 2003 Portland Jail Blazers hold the world's record for "most clubhouse cancers on one roster".
