Bonzi Wells Is Staying In Sacramento

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It has been reported that free agent Bonzi Wells likes flirting with death. Those crazy athletes and their love affair with danger. They're comparable to little kids and candy. Kids love the shit(candy) and will even take it from serial-psycho perverts.

With Bonzi on the telli (short for telephone) with Ron-Ron, he was as good as a dead kid in a van. That conversation with Artest gave him two options: live a millionaire's life, or die.

If you still have no idea what we're talking about, get a life.

Deadspin has the scoop:

http://www.deadspin.com/sports/nba/some-things-ron-artest-shouldnt-joke-about-186123.php

Artest:[Bonzi] called me last week. I told him if he leaves, then I’m going to kill him. Unless he wants to die, he’s got to stay (with the Kings).

No details on the tone of voice he used. No details on a possible arrest that won't happen. Why? Because it's too funny. The officers would be more likely to drop their handcuffs from the gut-bursting laughter than actually doing their job.

Did Artest break a law?

Technically, yes. But he was joking with a friend.

Had he been talking to an NBA fan, he'd have a nice mugshot to cherish/throw away/burn/use as a joke/frame, whatever.

We're not saying what he said was wrong, it's just too damn funny.

Bonzi's next move is the equivalent of Colin Farrel's character's inability to leave the phone booth, in the movie Phone Booth (if Artest is actually serious, which nobody knows). That booth being, naturally, Sacramento.

This brings up a good question for Bonzi; What the fuck are you thinking? Unless he wants to stay in Sacto, why is he asking a teammate, a Tysonly crazy one at that, that cares so much about whatever team that allows him to ball?

Not a night to unleash the ganj, Bonzi (reminder: he used to be a Trailblazer). The very night that you told Ron Artest that you might want to die, and you'd give him a call if you wanted it done. Call? Better yet, hear from the papers, web, Sportscenter, message in a bottle, or even a carrier pigeon.

Our condolences go out to Mr. Wells, shall he choose to refuse to don a purple and white jersey.

Cool alternate titles (in no sentimental rank or order):

1."Bonzi Wells' Phones are Tapped" 2."Bonzi Wells May Be Headed for An Empty Well" 3."Bonzi Wells' Empty Head Headed for An Empty Well" 4."Hey, That's Not Ron Artest on Cops, Is It?" 5."Why Is Bonzi Wells Taking Refuge in My Attic?" 6."Wells Trading in the Purple and White for the Shotgun-Responsible Crimson?" 7."Ron Artest Owns the Sacramento Kings" 8."The Maloof Brothers Have Resigned in Fear of Pissing Ron Artest Off" 9."Bonzi Wells Seeking Escape to Shaq's House" 10." Hey, is That Bonzi Wells Sleeping Under the Kitchen Sink?"

RIP Bonzi Wells....maybe