BFFs No More.....

Let's get this disaster started, shall we? We'll mix it up with some gayseball, where Barry Bonds has recently earned yet another person's feelings of hatred.

Bonds' former BFF, Steve Hoskins, ratted the Anti-McGwire out to the feds, claiming Bonds used, cruised, and abused steroids and suffered from bitch fits (episodes of roid rages). Hoskins also squealed about giving him thousands and thousands of dollars to give to two of Bonds' personal, emotional ragdolls (girlfriends).

Why?

Hush-money surrounding Bonds' steroid usage. Something more appealing to the women than a fist and a handful of simulated death threats.

What the money was really for:

Bonds gave more than $100,000 of his profits from the business to Hoskins to pass along to those girlfriends, including down payments on homes and a car for Bell, Cardoza said.

Difference: Nothing.

ESPN, fill the people in:

Cardoza (Hoskins lawyer) told The Times that Hoskins spoke to investigators, but would not say if he has testified before the grand jury investigating Bonds for perjury and tax evasion. The grand jury is meeting Thursday and again next week. After that, the grand jury's term expires.

Sad, isn't it? With Kimberely Bell and Hoskins gone, who does Bonds have to throw things and scream at besides his wife and children? Traditionally, the father would put these people first. Not some money-grabbing strangers that act like they're an athlete's best friend/heavybag. Bonds is not only a bad friend, but a failure of a father as well. We thought he was better than that. Family first, Barry. They probably miss your antics. Go to them.

Take it away, Cardoza:

"Stevie would nag Barry to get off the stuff," Cardoza told the newspaper. "Their relationship finally went in the toilet, business and personal. And with that, Barry is saying 'Stevie stole from me'. It's not true. Stevie's just being Stevie. Stevie would never snitch. Especially snitch on Stevie's best friend. Stevie was best man. Here in America, best means first. He reports that to the feds. The feds do a full-blown investigation."

Accompanied with the snitching, Hoskins has allegedly forged his name/signature on business contracts surrounding Bonds' sports equipment, memorabilia, and empty, autographed steroid syringes.

Laura Enos, Bonds' attorney, dishes out her version of 'fuck yous' to Hoskins:

Laura Enos, Bonds' attorney for business matters, told The Times that Hoskins threatened her client after Bonds confronted Hoskins in June 2003 over the alleged forging of Bonds' signature on contracts.

"He came and we met in a conference room," Enos told The Times. "He said: 'I have three doors. If you don't drop this memorabilia issue, I'm going to ruin Barry. Behind door No. 1 is an extramarital affair. Behind door No. 2 is failure to declare income tax. And behind door No. 3 is use of steroids. And I will go to the press and ruin Barry. His records will be ruined. He will never get into the Hall of Fame.'"

If charged with perjury and convicted, he could face up to five years in prison. He could face another five years if charged and convicted of money laundering.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2517874

What's even worse; Bonds is forced to wear an attire addressing his buddylessness.

According to Bonds, he has been watching Goodfellas, Raging Bull and Casino for three weeks straight, building key ideas for the foundation of a good and lasting friendship. A Bonds buddy cannot:

1.Be selfish, or have the slightest hint of an ego (that takes Uncle Stackhouse and Donald Trump out of the picture).

2.Have more money than Bonds (subtract A-Rod).

3.Refuse a beating after a preliminary criticism directed towards Bonds.

4.Be a fan of Mark McGwire (take out McGwire).

5.Laugh at any Bonds-related jokes and/or take part in anti-Bonds propaganda (minus half the country's popultaion that still care about Bonds).

6.Talk to anybody outside of Bonds' homemade list of people that are safe to talk to.

7.Get Bonds pinched before/if he breaks Hank Aaron's home run record.

8.Use slander or slang words that describe displeasure toward DeNiro, Pesci and Scorsese.

9.Save a member of the McGwire family's life. If possible, look away or disinterested.

10.Eat a Big Mac, because that's McGwire's nickname.

11.Have a life outside of helping Bonds juice up and taking daily verbal beatings.

12.Have a spine.

13.Talk while the Bonds is speaking.

Barry's pals can:

1.Supply him with the latest HGH's and roids.

2.Kiss Bonds' ass until satisfied.

3.Refer to themselves as a 'worthless sack of shit'. In fact, they're encouraged!

4.Help Barry leave the country after his baseball career falls to shambles.

If you think you qualify for this position, contact ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Barry Bonds Coverage.

Don't qualify?

Well that's too bad!

Source

• ESPN

Date

Sun 07/16/06, 7:22 pm EST