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I'm a long-time sports fan and one of the founders of ArmchairGM.More By DNL
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The All-Robot Baseball Team
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This article needs no introduction other than this:
Everyone loves robots. Everyone loves baseball. Kind of like chocolate and peanut butter, the two should be better when combined.
Turns out, it is.
Catcher: R2D2
He's short. He's slow.
But let's face it, he's the perfect catcher.
- He doesn't have to squat.
- He can block the plate really well -- three legs and his barrellesque shape means he's harder to knock over.
- And he can blind incoming runners with that "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi" hologram
- He takes a licking and keeps on ticking. The dude rode shotgun in Luke's X-wing and came out bruised, sure, but he was back in action when Luke, Han, and Chewy got their medals.
- He has a cannon for an arm. Really! Remember when Luke, Han, and others are being rafted out to that pit thing near Jabba's lair? R2 is on the party deck and he fires Luke's light saber to him balls-on from what, half a mile away? Go ahead, run on that arm!
- He can shock batters with that small zapper arm. Take that, David Eckstein!
- He doesn't have to mask his signs. He can just beep beep beep to the pitcher, who can translate that using her own Robot brain.
- He knows to let the Wookie win. I'm not sure why that matters, but it seems like it should, yeah?
- Okay, so he won't be able to hit -- but he also will have a Eddie Gaedel sized strike zone. 1.000 OBP, baby!
- He's so much better than that red piece of shit that the jawas are trying to sell you.
Pitcher: Vicky from Small Wonder
Call it the Tatum O'Neill rule -- you know, from Bad News Bears? Whenever you have a weird theme team, the pitcher has to be a pre-pubescent girl. Just how it works.
Anyway, check out the arm action at around the 30 second mark here:
Sorry for the Barbie Girl crap there, but you get the point -- 250 mile per hour fastballs, here we come. And she's a lefty!
First Base: Rosie from The Jetsons
Defensively, she can't be worse than Mike Piazza. Offensively, she has to be better than J.T. Snow. And at least she'll do your laundry.
Second Base: Johnny 5
Almost all second baseman have the following five qualities:
- Not good enough defensively to play shortstop.
- Not a good enough hitter to play third base.
- Not fast enough to play center field.
- Well liked but quirky -- like, Craig Biggio with his boyish charm but dirty helmet
- Spunky/gritty/never-say-die attitude (David Eckstein, Dustin Pedroia)
Sounds like this guy:
- Johnny 5 is very curious and inquisitive with an almost insatiable thirst for "input" of just about any kind, but he is especially fond of books and television. While he started life as a military prototype he has a great respect for life and refuses to use his capabilities to harm others, even when they have no such compunctions towards him. He is very intelligent and inventive with an encyclopedic knowledge, but can be quite naive and child-like at times and can be too eager to trust people that he shouldn’t. His innocent nature has been taken advantage of on several occasions.
Shortstop: Voltron
I'm not sure if Voltron is a robot. But if he is, he's the perfect fit. For some strange reason, he starts off in Lion form, which is normally really dumb, but as a short stop, it really helps him cover the ground. Sven (until he's captured, then it's Princess Allura) goes one way, Pidge goes another, Hunk a third -- nothing's getting through the hole here!
And then, when Zarkon appears or, more likely, when it's time to to go to bat?
"Form Blazing Sword!" "Take Dice-K downtown!" That'd be beautiful.
Voltron, Defender of the Universe, and the Left Side of the Infield.
Third Base: Bender
Third base, AKA the hot corner, has a lot of quickly-hit ground balls sent its way. So you need a guy manning the post who probably wants to kill himself anyway, or at least knows how to bury his sorrows. That's Bender, the alcoholic, whore-mongering (watch out Jude Law!), chain-smoking gambler from Futurama. He's a bender, so people will think twice about taking a big lead off third, lest he twist your leg into a new shape. Oh, and he's voiced by some guy named John DiMaggio, who probably isn't realted to Joe (or even Dom), but close enough.
Right Field: Optimus Prime
He's probably taller than any outfield fence. He also stands right near the bullpen in most stadiums, so if there's a bench-clearing brawl, those pansy-ass relievers are going to stay home instead of get stomped by the O.P.
When he gets a hit that's not a homer -- well, that's basically never, unless he's low on energon cubes -- he'll transform (chick-a-koo-ka-chick) into a truck, his trailer will magically appear, and he'll zoom around the bases at 100 mph, squashing David Eckstein in his path.
Center Field: Data
- Can kill multiple Borg with his bare hands.
- Is fast as hell.
- Can figure out the correct tragectory for a swing, no problem.
- Can probably throw out a runner tagging up from home at a stadium in a different time zone.
- Is the number-one bad-ass. Let's face it, if Chuck Norris and Data got into a fight, Chuck Norris would lose, and it wouldn't be close. Take that, Chuck Norris.
Left Field: Barry Bonds
Yes, Barry Bonds.
Look, we all know he's a great left fielder who mashes homers, takes walks, and at times, can steal a base. The question: is he a robot? Well, obviously.
- He has no heart or soul. That part I think we can all agree with.
- He's bionic. Check out the armor on his right elbow: That ain't anything human.
- HGH, Flax seed oil, the clear, the cream, injecting crap into your ass (wrong way!), steroids, "hamburgers", whatever. At best, he's 25% organic, 75% synthetic.
Heck, he's basically the Borg, minus the laser eye thing.
Manager: Marvin the Paranoid Android
If Lt. Commander (now Commander) Data weren't playing, or if we still were in the era of player-managers, then Marvin would be the pitching coach or the Don Zimmer-like "bench coach", the curmudgeonly briliant turd that sits on the bench, tells everyone what they're doing wrong, but really can't get themselves to do anything other than sulk. A genius by any measure, Marvin is so full of hate and disdain for life that you can't help but love him and his huge robot head. Kind of like Larry Bowa, now that I think about it, except for the fact that I can't stand that asshole.
J/k, nice article Dan.