Welcome to The Stiles 02520 Daily Weeklyendingday Column:
"Sportsune Cookie" - Stiles is guest hosting his own show...
Dual Cookie Productions...
Warning: Read the following at your own risk. Possible Probable side effects include brain strain, eye scratching, and a probable cause of perpetual stupidity...
Today's Weather: 50% collaboration, 19% what-ev, 80% workable... 0% invisible.
Sportsune Cookie
Six Legged Turkeys Everywhere Rejoice! by Uncle Manny
So Madden finally parks the bus, eh? We all know what that means!!!
Let's play Name the Replacement!!! (cue:cheezy game show music)
Hosted by Fox's Ryan "there's not a bigger turd in America than me" Seacrest (because NBC will pool it's resources in this search)
We'll take 12 candidates each from across the popular culture landscape and eliminate one a week until the sole remaining contestant gets to replace John Madden as America's lovable slob/iconic sportscaster!
Let's rule out the obvious uh-uh's: Dennis Miller, NO. Rush Limbaugh... yeah, OhhhhKay - didn't we learn the first time?! Joe Theisman, hell to the no. If you even THINK about Frank Caliendo, go smack yourself for me. No holdovers from ER and no current NBC Sports employees at all! If there was already a worthy candidate in NBC - yes, I'm staring right at YOU Bob Costas - there'd be no reason for me to make a mockery about this. Oh yeah... sorry, Chris Collinsworth - we're just not that into you.
One guy makes a lot of sense logistically but it's clearly "too early" - Brett Favre. He'll come in to save the day eventually but I think he and Madden have some things to do together to make up for their time apart...
The contestants, please!
- You know him from Who Wants to Strangle a Game Show Host and Live! with Kelly, Everything About Kelly's All Encompassing Life and Her Irrepressible Ego's Sidekick Regis... you're damned right, it's Regis Philbin! He's got the "talking incessantly" credentials, he's instant market expansion and he can tele-strate his ass off! Plus he can rub it in Kathie Lee Gifford's annoying face that Frank is a dusty, forgotten artifact in the annals of sports culture.
- Any female with sportscasting credentials. Robin Roberts, Suze Kolber, Melissa Stark... I don't care, but a knowledgeable chick needs to be in the competition so we can vote them out early! Someone has to lose the first 11 rounds. Since America isn't ready for a woman to know more about football than they think they do...
- Donald Freekin' Trump. That's right. He's paid by NBC, but he's not their "employee". Cross marketing at it's finest! He'd be no worse than Dan Dierdorf and YOU KNOW IT.
- Condoleeza Rice. If we don't replace the Commish with her, let's get her into a place where she can help America the most. She's good with the media, she loves football, she knows her stuff... and she'll be a sacrificial lamb in week 2 because America would never keep a black woman in a game of popularity for too long no matter how qualified they might be (Just like you, Lil Rounds)
- Puppet/muppet/cartoon character/robot. I'm leaning towards 'robot' because it's 2009 dammit! I know FOX has the inside angle on "robots". But if robots are going to take over anyway, can't we just get it over with already? If not a robot, isn't it time that ALF made a comeback? I always liked Snufalufagus (sp?)
- Denzel Washington. I know he's got better things to do, but you'd love it, wouldn't you? He'd be an instant top 3 candidate in the competition.
- Dane Cook. Perhaps we can add the caveat that whichever round he loses is "The Instant Death Round". That way, we're killing two birds with one stone... replacing Madden and killing Dane Cook once and for all. Amen.
- Stephen King. He's got a decent enough voice, believe it or not. He's a sports freek and come on, he's going to add true "color" to the job of "color commentary". He's never at a loss for words, why not?
- Jackie Chan. Seriously. You already love EVERYTHING he does. We might not be able to understand the words coming out of his mouth, but that's the charm! Plus whoever hits the booth as the "guest" can do an action-based stunt with him. Oh! The fun!
- Token naked/willing to be mostly nude chick. Anyone but Carmen Electra or the FSU chick (Jen Sterger - I hate myself for knowing her name, Rays fan or not), therefore preferably attractive WITH clothes on, too. But let's hit the demographic HARD (Get it? Hard? Rimshot please?). Any guy watching Sunday Night Football or NFL for that matter, after a long day of drinking needs a special incentive... plus nothing says "going the other direction from Madden" than a Naked Babe.
- Tim McCarver. God knows - as he's told God himself and us many times - he knows everything about everything. He was a catcher and nothing is as close to being a Hall of Fame football player as being a less than average catcher on a succession of above average teams. It gets him FAR away from ruining baseball games and above all else, we can vote him off the exact same round as Dane Cook just to kill three birds with one swift movement!
- Chris Rock. Everyone hates Chris, but everyone is going o hate whoever replaces the bloated, Favre-loving legend anyway. At least Rock can bring the pain before the pain gets him! He's fresh, he's funny, he's a censor's nightmare - that's a recipe for success!
--Just missing the cut: Anyone who ever hosted "Family Feud" (and is still living), anyone who ever played or coached in the NFl - we're American's! We don't care if you knwo what you're talking about, as long as you're popular! And anyone who has ever beenn associated with the four-letter network. Yes, Chris Berman would be a natural fit, if you think about it - endless babbling, incoherent tangents, fat slob, tele-strator heroics... but we don't need another Madden redux. we need the NEXT wave, the NEXT movement... the "future" of broadcasting NOW!
---And then there's the twist, surprise ending "Wild Card" -No One. Who cares who wins? Just let Al Michaels do the whole thing himself. Seriously. This is by far the Wisest Choice available. Don't be stupid, NBC. The only way to replace a legend is to replace him with a bigger, more legitimate legend. Al Michaels IS that legend. Al can handle the whole thing with half a tongue in someone else's mouth. (I don't need to have TMZ photograph it for me to know it's true). Get it done! All Al is better than half-assed!!! I'm talking to YOU, NBC!!!
Now pay me my consultant fee already, bastards!
The previous tiresome rant was brought to you by the deluded minds of Manny Stiles... the self-glorifying creator of this drivel called the "Sportsune Cookie" who geniusly pawned it off on a more popular and more enjoyably soulful writer without a sly name...
Preemptive Maneuvers
The Bruins took a one game lead over the Canadiens. The question is now, "Can Montreal even win a single game?" Detroit rolled over Columbus. The Wings show no reason that they can't hold onto the Cup again this season. Detroit, of all places, could really use the uplift after the downfall of the auto industry. Calgary and Chicago played a great over-time game. Calgary may be down in the series, but they are far from out of it...
Picks for the remainder of Round One:
- Sharks > Ducks
- Red Wings > Blue Jackets
- Canucks > Blues
- Blackhawks < Flames
- Bruins > Canadiens
- Capitals > Rangers
- Devils > Hurricane
- Penguins vs Flyers *
* Refuse to pull out a jinx...
Post-emptive Maneuvers
OK NY
When the Boston Red Sox broke the Curse of the Bambino in 2004 it did more than what people realize. All the chants and talk of "reverse the curse" was just that, a reversal of the curse. The Babe's curse has turned onto the Yankees. Eighty-six years is the minimum wait for the Yankees to win another World Series. Luckily, the wait started a few years before, back when Luis Gonzalez's broken bat single solidified the Last night of the Yankee Dynasty. The New Yankee Stadium was christened just that way that it should. A blow out loss symbolizes that hardship that the future holds in the House that George Built...
Kershaw
The young stud lefty every scout is high on is the young man Clayton Kershaw. Through two starts this season the young man has a 1.50 era, .67 whip, .081 batting average against, and nineteen strikeouts in only twelve innings. The boy is on a roll, and with a Manny-powered offense behind him, this kid could have a shot at around twenty wins this season (much earlier in his career than most would have thought)...
* These are more fun to do than they are to watch...
Ever Wonder?
Why baseball isn't too popular in Europe?
* It's baffling...
Tossing Pennies
If you could be the General Manager for any major sports team, which team would you want to run?
Personally, I'd like to take a team from the MLB. The Angels or Dodgers could be fun because of the SoCal location. Although, starting up a team in North Carolina could be fun too...
WTMF Sports
Channel Manny Presents:
W.T.M.F. Sports with your guest-host, DAndrew...
Brought to you social security...
"John Maddon qualifies for parts of whatever is still left..."
Reporting on Friday, April 17th... Manny Stiles
Stiles - "Six Legged Turkeys Everywhere Can Rejoice!!!"
The Adventures of ManRays
Today's "Ray of the Day" is Carlos Pena...
Moving up from yesterday's honorable mention, Pena jacked another home run on the season. His season total is up to five already and four of them have been in the last five games. Too bad the Rays are on a three game slide...
Honorable Mention: Jeff Niemann
Six innings with only two earned runs is a decent outing. With little help from the bull-pen and the offense, he drops his second game of the season. He showed that he has the potential to hold down that number five spot in the rotation until David Price is ready...
On Deck - James Shields needs to be the stopper here. A three game slide at home is something that isn't expected for the American League Champion Rays, espically at home. The offense and bull-pen need to start helping out everyday. The Rays won last season based on "balance" and we are about to see if they can do it again...
Go Rays!
10
Nobody guessed yesterday's ten correctly. So here they are again...
Cy Young
Pud Galvin
Nolan Ryan
Walter Johnson
Phil Niekro
Gaylord Perry
Don Sutton
Jack Powell
Eppa Rixey
Bert Blyleven
* Clue: They are listed in order from the most to the tenth most...
Anagrambunctious
"Manny Stiles" is an anagram for "Name Isn't Sly"... "DAndrew" is an anagram for "Nerd Wad"... Then again, "Falcon" was an anagram for "No Calf". So, there you go... That's your "I wonder what anagrams really tell us" tip for the day.
A Picture is worth BOOM
Strike a Prose
From Chemland's 1998 smash(ed) album Dues Paid or Bust: it's "Aliens @ Wal-Mart"
written and performed by Manny Stiles
There's aliens... at Wal-Mart
You'll see them shopping in the aisles.
Their wigs don't deceive me.
Sunglasses can't hide the shapes of their eyes enough.'
I know there's aliens,
Oh, I know there's aliens,
I know there's aliens shopping at Wal-Mart!
I seen 'em with mine own eyes.
(rest)
And they have fake skin.
Those aliens they have fake skin on 'em at Wal-Mart.
Oh, yeah. They're so facking smiley.
Yeah, right. Smiley.
With their bigs eyes and fake skin.
I guess they could have been in the witness protection agency,
or were really bad burn victims but no...
I'm not fooled. Who wears fake skin?
Who wears sunglasses inside Wal-Mart?
And their wigs don't deceive me!
Sunglasses can't hide the shape of their eyes enough
I know there's aliens.
Oh, I know there's aliens,
I know there's aliens shopping at Wal-Mart!!!
I seen 'em with mine own eyes...
(ad lib fade to rest)
And they had fake skin!
Answering the Questions
ATQ - n/a
Notes From Apostrophe
Thanks much Stiles...
- MS - No, thank you, D(Apostrophe)Andrew! For reviving this monumental pile of Crapustermafunk called "the Sportsune Cookie" in the first place!
Until Next Week...
As always, leave 'em below...
Disclaimer: Written as always in IMO font...
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