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Manny Stiles' All You Can Eat Baseball 2009 Preview – Part Two (AL, World Series, Summary)
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American League
People who love baseball and love the traditions like to slam the designated hitter, but for me it just means MORE baseball and less embarrassment for the pitchers. It also means there’s nowhere to hide a weak hitter and there’s nowhere for a pitcher to run in a lineup one through nine. 162 games between April and September takes a toll on every athlete. It’s not just the games but also the travel and constant media attention… sometimes it helps to play a little DH instead of sitting on the bench completely. Hurray for the “experiment”! 36 years and counting!
AL East
New York Yankees - Blackened Chateaubriand stuffed with undercooked lobster tail in a Spanish Saffron sauce with gold gilded, freeze dried truffles
The finest cut of beef, the tastiest creature in the seas, the most illustrious spices and the rarest fungus. Very expensive and lavish ingredients... this dish has it all. And they're all slapped together in the least appealing and most appalling ways. The new stadium is going to taste burnt AND yet undercooked (who would waste a fillet by blackening it - tear down a legendary stadium - or half-cook a lobster tail - build a new stadium in a shady manner?) yet these ARE the Yankees. The new additions of CC Sabathia and Mark Teixeira (the imported saffron) don't really seem like natural fits in this dish (or New York type of players) and are almost overkill in this loaded roster/dish. Then there's the wrecked truffles... this team is going to miss Alex Rodriguez, obviously... but are they even going to recognize the artist formerly known as Derek Jeter? This is the beginning of the end for Jeets. His decline is on the clock. Too bad the artist formerly known as Angel Berroa is his back-up.
Jeter is hitting leadoff this season, or more likely, for the time being. I can’t get over the feeling that Joe Girardi really is the best manager for the Yankees. Why? Because I think he is a bumbling fool and I hate the Yankees. He seems to back up every logical decision with two missteps and a stumble. He’s too “Rah! Rah!” for a veteran team and especially for laid back players who can handle the professional side of the business without any help. There’s enough horses in King George’s stable to win 120 games, though there’s also enough distractions and B.S. to barely get to .500.
The Yankees restocked the shelves and picked up every serviceable player they could buy. For the most part, the moves they made were brilliant. The lineup – even without A-Rod – is as potent as ever. The bullpen is not as shaky as usual, but that’s probably just temporary. One of these days, Mo will hit the wall and all those extra stressful post-season performances (like another season or two of wear) will take it’s inevitable toll. But he’s not going softly into the great good night just yet. Jorge Posada would be the Yankees’ DH if not for two things; he’s their best catcher and Hideki Matsui can’t play the field without a walker. Johnny Damon continues to defy my view of him. I know he sucks but he keeps playing like he doesn’t know it yet; maybe he is that much of a caveman…
The Yankees are in a rare position considering their recent history. They have prospects! Brett Gardner is impressive and will make Melky Cabrera into an afterthought – and eventually a throw-in in a trade. Xavier Nady and Nick Swisher will be on new teams by this time next year. They are the typical guys the Yankees borrow and throw away when they need new guys to borrow.
The Yankees are going to win over 100 games for one simple reason: they actually have starting pitching this year! Signing CC Sabathia was a no-brainer and he’s going to run New York. Mark Teixeira doesn’t seem like he’d be as good a fit in the Big Apple but he was a Donnie Baseball fan as a kid and now gets to try to fill his cleats. As long as he plays baseball and doesn’t get caught in the fame and glitz, he should wear gaping holes in Mattingly’s honorable cleats.
- Beverage: The 2009 Yankees are best served with a vintage 1996-2000 Krug Clos Du Mesnil – to remember the good days with class (and the Yankee-like hefty price tag)
- Dessert: the Crème brûlée... a flaming dessert will be the postseason. Despite all the odd fits, all the weird vibes of a new house and all the attention they receive off the field the Yankees are somehow going to win the AL East in 2009. But as the dessert goes up in flames, they will go down in flames - once again - and I bet you can't guess who will take all the blame... yep.
- Team MVP: Mark Teixeira, worth almost every bloated penny.
- Surprise! The “intangibles” were never real, but now – even with another AL East crown - they’re officially gone! George Steinbrenner might not make it through the season. He’s in bad shape. I can’t stand him but I respect him and when he passes I will be sad. Who will be the bad guy ever good story needs?
- Record: 101-61; Money talks and bullshit gets knocked out of the playoffs by a Wild Card team.
Tampa Bay Rays –Sirloin Steak
Not the most expensive cut of meat but it is still ALL steak. Takes a marinade well, can be served in a variety of manners – always best grilled, of course - but always fills the gullet. Slap any vegetable next to it and it works – obviously a potato is natural. Big bang for the buck and easy to make into a winning dish. That’s the Rays: a proven formula (meat + fire = yum / talent + focus = wins), a solid roster of protein (8 positions and 4 starters remain in place from 2008) and a full, satisfied belly (a still loaded farm system).
B.J. Upton breaks out. Carl Crawford plays a full season without worries. Carlos Pena doesn’t deal with a broken finger all summer long. Scott Kazmir pitches more like his ’07 than his ’08. Pat Burrell adds the power RH bat the Rays have lacked and easily gets 30 – 100 and gets on base with regularity. And somehow the Rays don’t improve over their 2008 season.
Everything went against the Rays in ’08 except in the win-loss columns. Every position player on the team except for Akinori Iwamura, missed some chunk of time due to injury. Kaz missed April and part of May, Dioner Navarro lacerated his hand on the protective netting at Yankee Stadium in April, Crawford was bothered with a leg injury the first half and missed most of the second half with a freak finger injury, Pena was hit by a pitch, B.J. played with a hurt shoulder all year, Troy Percival was a human DL transaction. And they won 97 games!
Lefty phenom David Price will be in the rotation by May. The lineup is seasoned, balanced and more potent than ever. Newcomer Matt Joyce will make an impact as will the Gabes (Gabe Gross and Gabe Kapler) filling in off the bench and in the outfield. Most importantly, the Rays’ GM Andrew Friedman still has the flexibility to make moves if needs present themselves and the minors are still loaded with much talent. The Rays won’t be sneaking up on anyone this time around and likely will be seen by knowledgeable people within the game as a team with a target on their backs. Reigning Manager of the Year Joe Maddon started preparing his team for this very scenario from his first day in St. Petersburg.
- Beverage: Gatorade. Your choice of flavor. The Rays are going to be running just as much this season as last – with some refreshed legs and health, perhaps more!
- Dessert: Key Lime Pie. A local favorite with International appeal. Home grown ingredients, flavorful and multi-culturally enjoyed.
- Team MVP: Besides AL MVP Longoria… Dioner Navarro. He is the soul of the team and the right hand of Joe Maddon.
- Surprise! Longlorious follows the Pedroia trend of following an AL ROY win with an AL MVP the next season.
- Record: 95-67; Two less wins than last season but the wins come with less drama and heart pounding, nail biting and nervous sweating than last season.
Toronto Blue Jays – Kraft Dinner and elk sausage
Canadians know what the economic downturn in the United States feels like; they’ve been dealing with the Blue Jays since the ’94 player’s strike; though the tough times are coming to an end soon (Yes, for you media-blinded Americans as well and it’s called a normal cycle of economics, not “The Economy”). The Jays are stocking up with excellent players throughout the entire organization like filling their cupboards with boxes of mac and cheese... Some of the pieces are already in place: Vernon Wells and Alex Rios are bona fide studs in the outfield, Scott Rolen is verging on making himself a Hall of Fame candidate someday, Lyle Overbay is a doubles machine and a slick fielder and Jays ace Roy Halladay is arguably the best right handed pitcher of this decade.
The Jays had the best pitching staff in the AL last season and even with some key losses, Doc Halladay is still ready to deal some nasty. Jesse Litsch is better than you think and B.J. Ryan is still a powerhouse closer. Granted, the Jays still have designated smash hit allower Shawn Camp in the bullpen but otherwise the staff should be one of the best in the league again in 2009.
The next round of talented players is trickling through. Travis Snider is going to be an absolute beast giving the Jays one of the very best outfields in the game, reminiscent of the 80’s Jays outfield of George Bell, Lloyd Moseby and Jesse Barfield. Catching stud (another Stiles favorite) J. P. Arencibia is just a little seasoning away from becoming an annual All-Star candidate. David Purcey is an excellent young arm and approaches his craft with the savvy of a veteran. The Jays have always had a strong scouting department.
Cito Gaston will make this team use it’s talent and play aggressively to force the action instead of the Jays’ old way of playing OBP-ball and taking too many pitches. Aggressiveness suits this collection of players much better.
- Beverage: Molson, Labatt, Moosehead – your choice. I know which one is the “official” sponsor of the Jays but when you boil it all down a Canadian Beverage is a Canadian Beverage. Thank GOD for Canada!
- Dessert: Persians – part pastry bun, part donut topped with strawberry icing – entirely delicious. Very popular in Western Ontario.
- Team MVP: Roy Halladay, with a Cy and sheer dominance all season long. He’s not letting down yet.
- Surprise! This is the beginning for the Jays. The future is coming quick.
- Record: 87-75; In any other division, this team would be a threat to win a playoff spot.
Boston Red Sox – A New York Deli Pastrami on rye, Manhattan Clam Chowder, and a bagel with lox
Poor Boston with it’s inferiority complex and all… Beantown is going to be swamped in a New York undertow. And Tampa will be running roughshod and the Jays will overtake the Sox as well. Such is life in the AL East. Expectations for this team are that they are a competitor for a third championship this decade. I’m not fooled. This team is about to go beyond its ‘sell by’ date. NO OTHER TEAM IN BASEBALL is as fragile or due to suffer across-the-board breakdowns. David Ortiz is past the point of no return where players start to play less and sit in the trainer’s room more. Josh Beckett is NEVER a sure thing to make a whole season without blisters or some other ailment. Jacoby Ellsbury is a walking wet paper towel, Dustin Pedroia plays “so hard” on a frame that isn’t made to take a beating, and Kevin Youkilis is a risk to injure himself at any given moment – by catching a glimpse of himself in a mirror, for instance. Jason Varitek is being held together with duct tape, velcro and safety pins. Tim Wakefield played with Methuselah in his rookie season and started looking very hittable at the end of last season. John Smoltz didn’t leave Atlanta because of money or in a trade. The Braves knew what he has left; nothing. I love and wish the most luck to Rocco Baldelli but even if he entirely beats his mitochondrial disorder, he’s merely back to being Rocco Baldelli… a freak non-mitochondrial-related injury waiting to happen. I guess Brad Penny is the safe bet, right? Ha! There’s Mike Lowell, who could retire at any moment yet keeps hanging on anyway. Much like Captain Hook, he cringes at the sound of a clock ticking… and last but not least… you know where this is heading – D. J. Drew. I don’t even need to say anything more, do I?
Then there’s the rest of the team… Dice-K is only a year older and a full WBC more worn down. Jed Lowrie is serviceable but will suffer the sophomore slump (par for the course, Jed) and Jonathan Papelbon has already – whether he’s ready to admit it or not - seen his finest moments pass him by. The bullpen is the team’s strongest asset at this point with the depth and versatility and most importantly – the relative ability to prove they are healthy.
Jason Bay is an unhappy guy in this clubhouse. He’s a gamer and a grinder and not a status-driven player, therefore he’s a misfit on a roster full of self-entitlement. If the Red Sox have proven anything with consistency it’s that they are always willing to ship malcontent out the door for pennies on the dollar, whether it is for the good of the team, the fans or the organization or not. That type of mentality starts at the top. It starts with the owners, whose greatest achievement wasn’t winning a World Series and vanquishing the “Curse”, it was besting the Yankees at the Yankees game. Theo Epstein continued the ego-brashness and narcissism by taking total credit for all the good and ignoring any negativity associated with the team.
And now it’s all going to fold around them like a house of crusty band-aids. Yet they’ll still be “in it” until September. Boston isn’t just the Yankees’ personal bitches anymore. The entire AL East is geared up to beat them. The Rays showed the Sox that any team could “own” them when need be and this year the Blue Jays will jump into that club as well. The Red Sox’ local media (read: the National media) will take the painful truth of a disappointing BoSox season by July and wash it over with more ridiculous and entirely needless hype about the Resurrection of Football Jesus.
- Beverage: A month old, sour glass of coagulated milk from a sick cow sitting in the sun. Spilled and waiting for all the “fashionable” fans to cry over it…
- Dessert: Humble Pie. Theo can’t spin his “magic” to save this sinking ship and he’s gonna bail – citing a need to pursue other ventures – before it sinks all the way.
- Team MVP: Whoever they get when they trade Jason Bay. Or the last guy standing after all the injuries strike.
- Surprise! The Rays are going to start Boston’s season off on a very sour note sweeping them in Fenway the first three games of the season. The Yankees then will likewise sweep the Red Sox in late April, deflating the fashionable fanbase and scattering the bandwagoners like roaches when the lights come on.
- Record: 86-76; and they should be HAPPY with that. The fuse is lit and this team is going to be blown to bits very soon, or it will be far, far too late…
Baltimore Orioles – Crab Cakes, with mostly filler and imitation crab; Corn on the Cob on the side
If there’s anything worse than ruining a perfectly good Chesapeake Blue Crab by not eating it right out of the shell the way King Neptune intended, it’s by putting it in a bunch of mediocre filler. If you do it with “Imitation crab” or Krab Brand krab, then it’s not such a sin as it is an embarrassment. Those poor random collections of fish that get mixed like a rancid salad into imitation crab… how demeaning an existence they must lead. But between the filler and the “corn corollary”*, there’s no substance! (*the ‘Manny Stiles corn corollary’ goes as follows: Steak in, shit out; lobster in, shit out; corn in, corn out… shit happens but corn is forever)
And so we have the Peter Angelos-ensconced Baltimore Orioles. Crabtown surely deserves a more compassionate… what’s the word I’m looking for here… slavemaster? Slavemasters are “owners” in a sense, right? Whatever the right term, Angelos is a dope. He has ruined a great sports market, he has despicable-ized one of the purest baseball parks in the world and has bastardized the city by turning the once proud franchise into a clumsy debacle, a heaving butt of jokes, and a reason to create protest marches. Anyone who paid attention to baseball since the mid 60’s until the late 90’s would take one look at the Orioles roster and wonder what the hell happened! Yeah, Cal Ripken retired but did he take all the good morals, good sense and better judgment with him?
First off, there are far too many ex-Devil Rays players… that’s former Tampa players form the “wrong” era of Florida Gulf Coast baseball lore… Ty Wigginton, [Aubrey Huff]] and Mark Hendrickson are not cornerstone players, they’re vagabonds, journeymen… hangers-on at best. And truth be told even ONE Devil Ray era player not named Carl Crawford is two too many… trust me on this. The Orioles can go ahead and trade Chris Ray to Tampa if for only the sweet irony. (Of course, I’m also the guy that writes e-mails to the New Jersey Devils demanding they trade for Miroslav Satan) Well one thing Orioles fans (who are willing to admit they are Orioles fans) can take some pride in is the team accidentally fell into some blue chip prospects and have found a way to not entirely screw them up yet. Catcher Matt Wieters and Pitcher Brian Matusz are the both the real deal. Wieters may have more hype on his back but he’s big enough to handle it – How long will he stay a catcher with his size (6’5”, 230 at age 22… he’s getting BIGger)? They’ll find a position for him because he can clearly rake. Matusz will be a little further behind but early indications look like he could be the steal of the ’08 draft.
The downside: the Orioles are banking on quality innings from the likes of Adam Eaton, Jeremy Guthrie, Danys Baez, Alfredo Simon and the previously mentioned Mark Hendrickson. (cue: scary music)
There is a bit of talent on the O’s with young Adam “My Mom Reads ArmchairGM” Jones and Nick Markakis. I’ve personally always thought Brian Roberts got too much credit (yes, I know his “story”) for what he accomplished and not enough lashing for his ‘roid scandal involvement. Melvin Mora despite knocking in 104 RBI in ’08 is more interesting for his unique fatherhood than his play and Cesar Izturis is not going to force amnesia into anyone’s memory banks and erase Ripken or even Miguel Tejada for that matter!
- Beverage: A bottle of water from the wet bar of a ritzy, pretentious hotel. It’s 12 bucks and tastes just like any other water, but once you crack that seal you’re screwed and it’s yours. This is a thinly veiled metaphor for attending an Orioles game as Angelos pockets the profit margin.
- Dessert: A guillotine-shaped cake from Charm City. I really do feel sorry for Orioles fans.
- Team MVP: Whoever eventually murders Peter Angelos. He’s screwed so many people over in his life, it could come from any direction. Hell, it could even be a diehard Nationals fan! The most fun scenario would be Cal Ripken in the dark of night with a lead pipe in the library, but I’m sure millions of logical sports fans would not mourn any possible outcome unless there was significant collateral damage.
- Surprise! The Orioles won’t give up 30 runs in a game for the second consecutive season!
- Record: 62-100; But in the AL East, 62 wins is as good as 75 in any other division.
AL Central
Detroit Tigers – Chicken Cordon Bleu, Asparagus tips and a bowl full of Morel mushrooms
Miguel Cabrera is obviously the bacon and Magglio Ordonez is the sauce on the Cordon Bleu, rail-thin Curtis Granderson is asparagus-like in his stature and the pitching staff’s potential is the Morels. But the rest of this squad is Chicken. But alas, chicken breast, not just a bunch of fatty fried wings or leftover back scraps.
Like most teams, health will play an important part of the Tigers’ season. If they let their pitching together this could be a 100-win team. Don’t forget how much of a letdown 2008 was, especially considering the lofty expectations heaped upon Dontrelle Willis and Gary Sheffield, both of whom are (essentially for the former, actually for the latter) gone. This team was supposed to give the seemingly invincible Yankees a run for their almighty money – and we know how that turned out. Well, it’s time for Jim Leyland to do what Jim Leyland does (besides smoke two packs a game, that is) – manage this team, instead of playing the lineup card handed to him.
Granderson is an athlete and one of those proverbial spark plugs that are a rare find in today’s game. Perhaps this year he stops playing the role of Willie Mays Hays and plays the role of Curtis Granderson, table setter? Ordonez is a known commodity – even his faults are glaring but tolerable 9minus the politics, of course) and Miggy Cabrera will hit for an average above his weight no matter how fat he gets. Cabrera will also lead the AL in HR again this year. Releasing Sheffield was addition by subtraction no doubt and players like Brandon Inge and Adam Everett should benefit from being in a clubhouse of guys who have playing baseball as their priority.
But that staff… that’s a collection of some nasty arms! Justin Verlander, Armando Galarraga, Edwin Jackson, Zach Miner even rookie Rick Porcello… there’s plenty of velociticious talent to be harnessed. That doesn’t include the bullpen with a healthy Fernando Rodney as the closer and Nate Robertson eating up innings or if they can get Jeremy Bonderman or afore mentioned Willis on track! Yes, it’s a righty dominated staff and that could bite them in this division but righty or lefty, good stuff is good stuff. The catchers are nothing to brag about but the combo of Gerald Laird and Matt Treanor lends an air of professionalism and veteran leadership at the least.
The AL Central is open for a number of teams but it’s the Tigers who stay the healthiest and get the most out of their quality arms to take the division crown.
- Beverage: Faygo – pick a flavor. Don’t forget to get your 10 cent deposit back.
- Dessert: Banana Split – the Tigers do everything they can to hand the division crown over to the Indians and/or Twins coming down the stretch, but they end up taking each other out to help the Tigers instead.
- Team MVP: Cabrera. Hands down.
- Surprise! I eagerly await a Will Rhymes sighting in Motown. The guy should be a rapper with a name like that, but he can play!
- Record: 90-72; They were supposed to be at least this good last year!
Cleveland Indians – Pretzel crusted walleye in a bourbon glaze, fresh from Lake Erie
Walleye is possibly the tastiest freshwater fish there is. I know I prefer it over salmon, trout or whitefish. It has firm, white flesh and easily accepts a variety of flavors and spices. In this case however, we’re talking about Lake Erie so the walleye might taste great but it’s packed full of Vitamin PCB, mercury and other heavy metals. Sure, it won’t hurt you tonight but over the course of 162 games, you’ll be growing appendages that don’t belong on a human, lose about 30 points on your I.Q. and piss fire.
Grady Sizemore came into his own in 2008 with a thunderous start. If he just maintains some stability and health he could be in for a monster season. But the guy I’m expecting to make the real noise is Travis Hafner. Pronk went through some physical and personal issues the last two seasons and seems like he’s about to get his head screwed back on straight. I know his Spring Training numbers weren’t much to write about but he’s actually looked far better than the numbers have. If he gets into a groove, there are few other hitters that are more frightening. Jhonny Peralta is as underappreciated as a shortstop gets and Mark DeRosa is going to be an impact performer for the Tribe and sorely missed in Chicago.
Again, as with every team – health is the main issue. Victor Martinez and Kerry Wood are lynchpins for this franchise. Both have a history of nagging injuries and both are outstanding performers when healthy. They could be difference makers in the AL Central battle either way. Wood has the added twist of adjusting to his new role ful time in a new league. Most indications are that he’s got the make up for this role and that AL hitters not being so familiar with him might have their hands tied at the plate.
I can’t believe I’m saying this – but here goes – Carl Pavano should do well in Cleveland. With the spotlight off him and with expectations set at nothing less than disastrous, it’s a perfect storm for him to make a season out of it. Why? Because that’s the kind of stuff that happens in this game. Guys get healthy, they get a new setting, they regain their confidence and realize that yes, thy are major leaguers after all. Then some early starts go his way and WHAMMO! Everyone – everyone meaning the people who destroyed him in their blogs like I did - starts saying how they knew he’d come around and how well he’s rebounded from the “Curse of Alyssa Milano”… well, that’s what I’ll say at least. Pavano did a fine job of screwing the Yankees and for that he should be commended. But most times, guys that get let go from the Yanks suck tremendously just on principle. Pavano may buck that trend.
With 6 games each against Minny and Detroit in September, the Indians won’t run out of gas, they just won’t have enough horsepower to stay in the race down the wire. It seems the Indians are on an every-other-year-is-good march through this decade. Maybe they should get Bret Saberhagen to come coach for them?
- Beverage: A Case of Buzz Beer. Drew Carey’s homebrew should suffice for a season that will keep its fans alert and awake and make them feel like crap when it’s all over.
- Dessert: Shaker Lemon Pie. Never had it but I hear it’s good.
- Team MVP: Travis Hafner. He’s due.
- Surprise! Cliff Lee loses more than 10 of his starts and finishes with an ERA above 4.00
- Record: 88-74; So close but not close enough.
Minnesota Twins - Lutefisk
Lutefisk is a Scandinavian recipe that is for some un-GODly reason not just accepted but very much enjoyed throughout the upper Great Lakes region – even more in it’s originating region around the Arctic Circle. It is made by using an old recipe for curing fish with the main constituent being lye. Yes, lye. It’s actually poisonous until the ammonia “breathes” out of the flesh and then what is left over is a mushy fish mash that barely resembles or harkens remnants of what once was fish. It made sense back in the days before refrigerators and freezers but today it’s tradition for tradition’s sake. I suppose some people actually like it.
The Twins are that team that start with a decent piece of fish and somehow destroy it, alter it, manipulate it with evil and render it until it no longer seems like any ingredient you started with yet it is consistently popular and sells consistently to a population that can’t imagine life otherwise. The Twins are still owned by one of the richest men in the Sports biz. They have a stadium that will get a lye soaking after the season (Bye, Bye BaggieDome, finally), they have (self-mandated) payroll constraints and yet consistently field a competitive team and have a following that is damned near religious across the sparse Upper Plains and around the Glacial Lake regions. If you grew up with Lutefisk, you wouldn’t know any better than to ask why they destroyed a good piece of fish for YOU. If you grew up with the Twins, you wouldn’t know enough to ask why they hamper the game of baseball in your state and then blame YOU.
And yet, they’ll compete. They have talent all around. They have a perennial MVP candidate and all-around good guy in Justin Morneau and – if he can get himself fixed right – they have a once-a-generation athlete behind the plate (and another “good guy”) in Joe Mauer. They have born-to-hit-line-drives/born-to-gun-runners-out-at-home and former overall #1 pick Delmon Young and don’t have a position locked down for him. Their outfield is loaded with talent in superspeed demon Carlos Gomez, all-purpose/all-out Denard Span and cannon armed RF Michael Cuddyer.
Their infield is a different story. I guess Joe Crede is serviceable at third – and can lend TONS of insight on the division/geographical rival White Sox. But I guess a middle infield of Alexi Casilla, Brendan Harris and Nick Punto is the ammonia dissolving the flesh and emanating fumes from the mixture. It’s hard to imagine a serious contender with these parts up the middle. Don’t get me wrong, I actually really, really like Brendan Harris – he’s a gamer, a scrappy, get dirty kind of guy but he’s best suited as an all-purpose/backup/bench player. If he’s starting too many games then you will see his weaknesses. Punto is decent enough to be a major leaguer but what will he give you at the plate that’s going to help you win a division? These guys are trying to keep the position warm and the payroll low until they can be replaced with newer, younger, similar models.
The pitching staff has questions. Is Francisco Liriano going to make a full season out of it? Is Scott Baker an Ace in the making? Is Kevin Slowey a guy who can get 30+ starts or 200+ IP? Is Nick Blackburn going to hit the sophomore jinx? I like what they have brewing but will reserve judgment for now. At least the Twins have an organizational philosophy. They develop players, they work their farm system with their big league clubs needs in mind and they play the same style of ball from the pros to rookie league. THAT goes a long way in today’s game.
- Beverage: What goes good with Lutefisk? Liquid Drano?
- Dessert: Go to bed! No dessert. The twins normally have a stocked farm system but it seems like they are headed for a lull. They seem to be bare of the typical studs-to-be and that might be a sign of things to come – or it might be the “next wave” has already struck the shore.
- Team MVP: Morneau of course.
- Surprise! People will talk about a new stadium for the Twins this year…
- Record: 85-77; competitive but like the Indians it will be too much divisional foes and not enough wins in September.
Kansas City Royals – Surprise Casserole
Surprise Casserole is not named after the Arizona town where the Royals hold their Spring Training, it’s basically a dish comprised of leftovers. Take all of the bits and chunks and stir them together, add a couple spices, a pile of cheese and bake at 375 for 30-40 minutes! Voila! Every bite is a surprise!
The Royals roster is like finding one piece of 25 different jigsaw puzzles and forcing them together to make a picture. I know they blame a lot of things on their market but let’s be realistic… The Royals have had wonderful success in the past. The franchise should have won a couple World Series and since the ’94 strike all they have done is called “Poor us!”. Gee, it could have ‘’something’’ to do with new owners, or an incompetent front office, eh?
Coco Crisp, Alberto Callaspo, Jose Guillen, Willie Bloomquist, Gil Meche, Sidney Ponson, [Kyle Farnsworth]], Juan Cruz??? These re-treads that would be sure-fire stumpers on a modernized edition of “What’s My Line?”.
The good thing going for the Royals is the young guns. Brian Bannister was a solid rookie, Luke Hochevar has ace potential, Zack Greinke is putting it together and there are more arms in the minors developing. Now, the Royals have had quality arms in their system in the recent past that failed to pan out as suggested so it’s a mystery as to what future lies for this current crop. I’m expecting that some of these guys are hoping to be traded for more re-treads to places where they can refine themselves in a winning culture. We don’t have any evidence that the front office wants to build a solid foundation here.
Who knows if the Royals even want to compete let alone be capable of it. The ‘00s Royals aren’t quite to the point of the Kansas City Athletics of the 50’s and 60’s, but the baseball fans of the Heartland certainly deserve better. It seems the baseball gods are kinder to teams that suck a whole lot for a time than teams that merely stink for a longer time… Maybe we can take the Pirates and Royals and make one team out of them to get a +.500 record? Eh, who am I kidding?
- Beverage: BBQ Sauce. You know that anyone from K.C. won’t be thrilled with Surprise Casserole without some BBQ to douse it with.
- Dessert: Sparkling Cider. Celebrate Royals fans! You’re not in last for a second year in a row!
- Team MVP: Alex Gordon. Simply no other logical candidates here.
- Surprise! Even though they suck, maybe they’ll play hard. There’s ‘’some’’ talent in the farm system and the division is going to beat itself up. They might even hint at making a run towards a winning season!
- Record: 77-85; Where have you gone George Brett? Royals fans turn their lonely hearts to you... Oooh, ooh, ooh, hey, hey, hey!
Chicago White Sox – Moldy cream cheese, a pile of spilled salt and something unidentifiable yet hard and crusty in a jar of mayonnaise
Unless you’re REALLY stoned and have the munchies this dish is simply not worth sampling. It seems a lot of people are smoking something if they’re picking the White Sox to do anything other than disappoint. Don’t be salty White Sox fans… the AL Central is a tough division and one of the teams will show it’s weakness in an apparent manner sooner rather than later.
A. J. Pierzynski is the moldy cream cheese and I’m feeling an injury striking him down this year. Without their emotional irritant leading them, the White Sox will flounder. Say what you want about the dick, he handles his pitching staffs with panache. Without a certifiable catcher this pitching staff is doomed. Remember how staff ace Mark Buehrle wanted out before they decided to extend his deal at the last minute? Yeah, he’ll want out all over again. Bartolo Colon is a shadow of himself (and that’s a pretty heavy shadow either way) and does anyone think John Danks or Gavin Floyd haven’t already exceeded their potential? Bobby Jenks only scares the post-game spreads.
Carlos Quentin, Paul Konerko and Jermaine Dye are the salt and they will be quite salty dealing with the Chicago press by mid May if they aren’t already. How is it that the City with Broad Shoulders always seems to disparage their own? It’s not a brutal enough of a town to live in, they have to dissect and tear apart the players who try their best yet don’t play the clown role with the cameras on? What a schizophrenic town indeed. They love, they hate, they hate, they hate some more, then they love to hate while they blame everyone else for the problems they create with the hate. Or failing that, they charge the field in a drunken stupor and beat up the opposing first base coach. I’m all for a fan base attempting to live up to it’s reputation but live DOWN to it’s reputation?
Poor White Sox. They have actually won a world series in the last century yet they get shat upon in their own town. Dig up Rodney Dangerfield and slap an Alexei Ramirez jersey on him. They are headed the wrong way down the Chicago River (the wrong wrong way, not the wrong right way). Eventually, like all good things – or all things good or bad – Kenny Williams’ tenure will end – of course, it will be after he blows this current rendition to pieces - and this team can re-define itself once again. Based on the franchise’s “illustrious” history, they are LOOOOONG overdue for a general color scheme and uniform change.
- Beverage: Whatever you can wring out of the bartender’s spill rag… or Jose Contreras’ pitching arm (what’s the difference?)
- Dessert: Ladyfingers. To represent the sportswriters that thrive on extending their career on the so-called missteps and random blurbings of manager Ozzie Guillen.
- Team MVP: Jim Thome – only because they won’t be able to trade him.
- Surprise! Gordon Beckham and possibly Tyler Flowers give the astute fans reason to stare at the silver lining. However, sometimes that silver lining is the lightning! It’s a long fall from winning the Division (albeit, with a whopping 89 wins)
- Record: 76-86; A 13 game drop off from last season. Once again, White Sox fans will take solace in the Cubs annual demise.
AL West
Los Angeles Angels – A nicely grilled, medium-rare but unmolested (barely salted, not marinated) T-bone steak served with a fork and knife and that’s it.
How could I pick just a simple piece of meat – especially for the SoCal vegan crowds – to represent the Angels? Easy; a T bone should be nicely marbled for flavor, aged for texture and tenderness and even show a little scorched gristle over the open flame for depth and the full bouquet.
People love steak. The Angels were the second best draw in the AL last year (second to the Yankees - of course - with 3.3 million ticket stubs torn). Did you know that? A fine piece of meat is still a fine piece of meat, but there’s little here to compliment last season’s MLB best record (101-61) and – by far – best road team (50-31). They won’t win 50 games away from Orange County this season.
The Angels are nicely marbled with “system players” – Howie Kendrick, Erick Aybar, Chone Figgins… guys that are homegrown and fit the Angels’ station-to-station style of ball. They have some aging - or “seasoning” if your so inclined to see it that way – Vladimir Guerrero, Bobby Abreu and Torii Hunter and just how many damned former All-Star outfielders does one team need anyway? And then there’s the “fat”; The pitching staff. I’m not talking solely about John Lackey’s flappy chinless. What about this pitching staff seriously makes anyone think “this is a serious contender’s staff!”??
I know he accidentally fell into an All-Star in 2008 but Joe Saunders is the #3? And that’s only when Lackey and Santana are healthy… This team could have Jered Weaver as it’s Ace by June. Uh-Oh. Still… it’ll be enough to win a very weird division merely by showing up to the park all 162 times. There’s tons of youth and potential in the AL West and I have a strong feeling that this isn’t the weak, little brother division for much longer… you heard it here first.
- Beverage: A very loaded Bloody Mary. Chock full of vegetables and hot sauce and peppery as all hell. Not to mention a heavy dosage of “Wake the hell up Angels fans – this ain’t the year! Brand Vodka.
- Dessert: Fried Ice Cream. Maybe we’ll get to see a little more of Sean Rodriguez, but how and where?
- Team MVP – Howie Kendrick – makes a run at the batting title.
- Surprise! Someone figures out that the site where Angel Stadium was built really was an Indian burial site. But then someone else figures most of North America was too. Guess what? People have died for millennia, it’s true.
- Record: 93-69 AL West Champs (Well, duh) but a band-aid-getting-torn-off-like exit from the playoffs.
Texas Rangers - Spaghetti with Meatballs, garlic bread with WAY too much garlic
The Rangers' pitching staff is a bunch of noodle arms and the lineup is a bunch of big wads of beef. Michael Young, Josh Hamilton, Hank Blalock… They can score runs - everyone knows that. I think it's time that Ron Washington gets a little credit and the team gets enough health that a turn-around is inevitable.
Rookie of the Year to-be Elvis Andrus turned a perennial All-Star Shortstop and human hit machine into a Third Baseman. He is also going to turn a likely Hall of Fame shortstop into a full-time bench coach. That isn’t by accident. Andrus is going to be a great player. Having Ian Kinsler to help him on the field and in the lineup should make his progress smoother. I can’t wait to see how David Murphy follows up his rookie season. The Rangers have plenty of talent on the field, it’s just tough to win when the other team is playing tee-ball.
Obviously the pitching is the problem in Texas – it’s the overload of garlic on the bread in an otherwise simple meal. Most people blame the summer heat or the stadium – things that make that place so easy to score runs in… but maybe it’s something simpler than that? Perhaps they just need a change… Design a new, cooler logo – maybe get a new color scheme. Something, anything… because it’s always going to be dry and hot in the evenings there and the stadium isn’t going anywhere for a long time (it really is a very under-rated facility)
- Beverage: A glass of ice water – to throw on Andruw Jones’ face. MAYBE it will wake him up before he totally falls off the planet?
- Dessert: Whipped Cream and Maraschino Cherries. Why? Because we’ll get a decent Kris Benson sighting or two this year – and you know what THAT means… Anna-time!
- Team MVP: That Josh guy…
- Surprise! Michael Young is a better than A-Rod at third base, too!
- Record: 83-79 A winning record with this pitching staff!
Seattle Mariners – Alphabet Soup, Cheese and Crackers
What can best be said about the Seattle Mariners? The names on the backs of the uniforms are kickass for Scrabble! Hope you get a LOT of Z’s in your soup!
Ichiro Suzuki, Endy Chavez, Jose Lopez, Franklin Gutierrez and Felix Hernandez… and then there’s the other big Scrabble scores with the Y’s in Yuniesky Betancourt, Ken Griffey Jr. and Russell Branyan plus another nice score if you have too many J’s with Kenji Johjima. (Yes, these are the things of which I take note)
Unfortunately, the game of baseball does not include Triple Word Scores.
The Mariners were a mess and still are. The roster has a distinct theme – “There is no theme here”. I guess the Mariners are built around Ichiro but eventually someone is going to wake up the people in the front office and let ‘em know – “Hey since we can’t get seven more Team Japan players in here, let’s consider it time to blow this thing up and start all over”. I mean, I hardly think signing Chris Burke is the cure to all that ails this franchise. Ichiro apparently has been looking around at the team and suddenly it dawned on him why he is suffering from bleeding ulcers. He’ll start the seasonon the DL but I know his doctor has already outlined a recovery regimen for him – “Make two trade demands and call me when the deal is done… you’ll be better by the time you pick up the phone.”
Getting Griffey to come back was nice and all, but other than a small spike in ticket sales when the announcement was made, it’s going to end uglier than most demented fairy tales – worse than bringing Willie Mays back to New York for his farewell tour. They should have gone for broke and brought back the Big Unit while they were at it. Is Alvin Davis busy? Call Jay Buhner!!! I’m sure Mark Langston isn’t too busy… Let’s get a party up in here!
Felix Hernandez is the cheese and is going to be great this year. Erik Bedard is the cracker andwill continue to be Erik Bedard – in other words, maybe he’ll pitch ¾ of a season (How did the ORIOLES ever pull a fast one on another MLB team in a trade like they did with Bedard?). Carlos Silva, Jarrod Washburn, Ryan Rowland-Smith… the other crackers. These are not starters in which opposing teams wake up in cold sweats over on nights before the game. And who the hell is going to close games for them?
- Beverage: A double of whatever Adrian Beltre is having… I’m sure it’ll turn a Regular Joe hot on a piss test, but it’s working for him!
- Dessert: Lemon Meringue Pie. Throw it in your own faces, Mariners fans. You poor, poor bastards!
- Team MVP: King Felix by a landslide.
- Surprise! Ken Griffey doesn’t end up on the DL once this season! Mostly because he’ll hardly play enough to get hurt... besides, it’ll be three times not just once.
- Record: 75-87; Maybe when they start building this team around their fancy digs, things might change. Until then, they are trying their best to make people forget that for the most part, they are the Clippers of MLB.
Oakland A's – Chopped Liver and Brussels Sprouts
Not a tasty dish and even if you LOVE this meal and it’s cooked by a miraculous chef, you’d still never pay for it at a restaurant. I happen to like liver and sprouts especially if they’re done right. But if there’s no mashed potatoes to bury the meal in, it’s a bad scene… (sorry, Matt Holliday, you’re the only mashing potato in the clubhouse – and that’s a compliment, not a commentary on your appearance… well, maybe it’s both)
Wow. Just Wow. And it’s not a Wow with a big fat exclamation point at the end of it either. It’s shock and dismay. The Oakland A’s have leapt over the edge. The owners and front office folk must have been sitting around yapping with each other this winter, thinking that the “Economy” was going to plummet us all into a death spiral and the end days were coming. Either that or they know that Big Bad Bud is going to contract the hapless Athletics anyway – so they said “fack it all!” and signed every has-been they could convince that the sky really is falling…
I “get” signing Jason Giambi – it’s a nice little P.R. stunt/homecoming reason to pawn off all the Bobbleheads they still had in a warehouse in Sausalito (I just like saying Sausalito whenever I can). But Nomar?? Orlando “I’m no Miguel, hell I’m not even Francisco at this point” Cabrera?? Russ Springer???
Matt Holliday is going to be EXPOSED like a bad celebrity porn playing in that cavernous stadium – at bat and in the field. Plus green and yellow will not help him fashion-wise. All this is going to make it tougher for him to cash in on that next big contract. It also makes him a likely candidate to get dealt come deadline day… the A’s need to get something for him besides reduced (and more realistic/un-Colorado) production. If Holliday hits more than 23 home runs this season, he should be commended on not sucking as much as I think he does.
Jack Cust performs like his name sounds. Where have you gone, Bobby Crosby? You were supposed to have a better destiny than this… poor guy. This team is relying on Rajai Davis, Ryan Sweeney and Travis Buck to round out their outfield – Yeah… OK… **news flash** - you aren’t competing.
I actually like some of the young pitchers. By young, I mean youngest staff in baseball.. Justin Duchscherer is no Dave Stewart and he’s not a real “Ace” by any means, but there’s worse #1 starters in league (OK, 2-3 maybe)… But Sean Gallagher has potential. Dana Eveland has potential if he can get healthy again. Gio Gonzalez won’t make up for the Danny Haren trade by himself (because the A’s also had to take Aaron Cunningham in the deal), but he’ll balance the scale in a few years. But this many young guns with that much non-experience along with a past-their-prime lineup is a recipe for yuck. But I cannot see how this team fits together and I can’t see how it won’t fall apart. The A’s might not be the oldest team in baseball according to birthdates, but they’re old and worn on paper and it’s barely April.
Good luck, A’s fans.
- Beverage: Prune Juice. Stir in some extra Metamucil with that…
- Dessert: Skip dessert and hand out some Ben-Gay and make sure everyone got their heart and blood pressure meds as well as their favorite salves and ointments.
- Team MVP: Matt Holliday. I don’t like him but I do feel sorry for him.
- Surprise! Billy Beane isn’t “Mr. Moneyball”. He’s not stuck to one way of thinking. He’s adapts and overcomes. Or at least tries to by getting experienced vets on the cheap. And this is the year he realizes the grass isn’t just greener on the other side of the fence… there’s ACTUALLY green on the fence! Hello, Boston… After years of “Will he? Won’t he?” he decides he will. Theo is going to disappear into a smoke mirage and beane will take the money and sweep out the cobwebs in Fenway. Even if he doesn’t leave for Boston, he’s already got one foot out the door.
- Record: 60-102 The A’s have a fine scouting and farm system so expect a heavy dosage of “The Future” by mid-July. That should help them out next June when they’re selecting the #1 overall draft pick.
Playoffs
Yankees (101-61) over Tigers (90-72) – 3-1
Rays (95-67) over Angels (93-69) – 3-1
Rays over Yankees – 4-3
MVP
- 1st Place - Evan Longoria – Rays - .307 – 37 – 117, Gold Glove, All-Star MVP
- 2nd Place - Miguel Cabrera – Tigers - .294 – 44 – 129, He even loses a few pounds
- 3rd Place – Mark Teixeira – Yankees - .299 – 41 – 133, Gold Glove
Cy Young
- 1st Place – Roy Halladay – Blue Jays – 22-8, 2.74, 212 K’s
- 2nd Place – Felix Hernandez – Mariners – 20-9, 3.17, 239 K’s (and a No-No in August)
- 3rd Place – CC Sabathia – Yankees – 20-11, 3.59, 241 K’s
R.O.Y.
- 1st Place - Elvis Andrus – Rangers - .311 – 24 – 88, 32 SB
- 2nd Place – Travis Snider –Blue Jays - .281 – 28 - 85
- 3rd Place - David Price – Rays – 14-4, 3.46, 169 K
The World Series
As I've been calling it for each of the last three years – it’ll be Rays and Mets. Except this year, I'm feeling a little different about the predicted outcome than I have in the past (with some exceptions). Scott Kazmir will turn the screw in a little deeper and make Mets fans think that the Nolan Ryan for Jim Fregosi deal wasn't the worst trade they ever made. I also have the weird feeling that the second no-hitter in World Series play will come against the Mets - in their expensive new digs. But the Mets will withstand the Rays and send them home as bridesmaids once again.
No, this is not reverse psychology or reverse jinxing technology application. And that previous sentence was not reverse anti-reverse double jinxing either. Sure I want the Rays to win it all, but “then what”? Ok. Psyche, double double jinx, reverse anti-swap reverse jinx, jinx, alakazam, hocus pocus triple dog dare whammy… There you go.
Mets in 6, David Wright outplays his youth ball pal B.J. Upton for the WSMVP. Carlos Beltran oddly enough gets held in check but a few “background” players step to the forefront (much like the ’86 Mets team did) make names for themselves and jump the ship for bigger paydays elsewhere in the offseason (as players from Championship teams often seem to be inclined to do). Evan Longoria makes up for his dismal ’08 series but only barely and Jose Reyes stamps a giant star on his player profile by running rampant.
The series might just go the Mets way simply because the Rays spend all their energy getting by the Yankees (not un-similar to what happened to the Rays in ’08 with their dispatching of the Red Sox).
In Summary
So in a season with no more remnants of the Rookie Class of’86 – Good Bye Mr. Greg Maddux see you in Cooperstown. There’s old faces in new places as Garrett Anderson and John Smoltz – both of whom spent their entire MLB career with the same franchise – moved on to new homes in the other league. And in the spirit of 1986, the Mets are going to outlast an AL East team to win their first World Series since Bill Buckner got unfairly blamed for what was truly just an error and not even close to the greatest gaffe in baseball of all time. There will be dramatics in the Series, but not of the same variety. At the end of the season, we’ll look back and hopefully fully appreciate what a fine season it was and most of you will wonder how 17,000 words in April could ring so true in November!
Thanks for coming, although I normally feel some Post-Opening Day letdown (much like an irritating kid that doesn’t get what he wanted for Christmas) since I realize the beginning of baseball simply means the end is inevitable; just a smoky vision beyond the horizon swooping in too quickly to drown my pleasure with its carbon monoxide of eventuality. Summer is never long enough and 162 games go by far too swiftly. I hope you enjoy this season half as much as I do (that’s sincerely FAR too much for most people), but here’s my buffet’s disclaimer – thank you lawyers: Any heartburn or indigestion you may feel during the season is your problem not ours... Any headaches you’ve received from reading this quicksand-like convolution of words or any ailments you’ve endured (except for hysterical pregnancies) are completely your fault. Come back soon; see you again in November when you can blame me for being right too much, but in the meantime… here's a mint!
As always… Go Rays!
C. Gee, I've never been right about the AL East before, have I? Well, not since LAST YEAR anyway. I know you're a Red Sox fan, but 86 wins is not that illogical once the mystifying magic of reality sets in... Projections and simulations are fine and dandy but they aren't a Championship caliber team anymore unless EVERYONE stays healthy... look again at who is on the team - that's not going to happen.
Come on, It's not like I'm picking the Red Sox to go sub .500... at least not until next year that is.. =)
Save your fancy bets until next Friday when the Red Sox are already 3 games behind and don't know what hit them...