About the Author
Sports is my crack. ArmchairGM is my pipe.
-mannystiles@aol.com
More By Manny Stiles
Other recent voters
Manny Stiles' All You Can Eat Baseball 2009 Preview – Part One (Intro & N.L.)
| 17
|
The "Baseball Buffet", The "Boys of Summer Smorgasbord"; "America's Pastime à la carte"; "The Soup Kitchen of the Show"... call it whatever lame clichés you can slap together, it's the season preview as explained by Monsieur Stiles in terms of food. And Stiles LOVES food! It's the Food Channel meets MLBTV, a cut of Emeril Lagasse flambed with a Peter Gammons sauce, it's a slice of Wolfgang Puck served up with a grilled Jayson Stark Sandwich, it's Anthony Bourdain getting inside of 30 organizations in 17,000 words with a 12 pack, a crystal ball and with tickets that say “Standing Room Only”. And in a perfect world, it's Rachel Ray getting permanent laryngitis and giving it to only Tim McCarver...
It's that time of year again. The 2009 Major League Baseball Season is upon us and Uncle Manny is your snooty maître de. Presented for your approval and selection is an array of 30 succulent entrees representing MLB's 6 divisions. Each course will include an appetizer, fine beverage and a desert selection as well surprises and yes, even pinpoint predictions (Yes, all the math works properly). I have avoided many of the major media outlets over the last ten days so as not to sway my dowsing and mystical interpreting of the upcoming season. Too many cooks in the kitchen (a.k.a. my head) can ruin a meal!
Food and Baseball along with spewing vernacular! What could be better? Bring your wooden spoon that you carved from a bigger wooden spoon, leave the diet plans at home and bring extra napkins ‘cause you’re gonna need ‘em! The best part is the price… A table for you awaits!!!
Bon Appétit!
National League
The National League might be the older brother but it continues to be the weaker brother. The AL will handle the interleague games once again and the All-Star game as usual. But older brother gets the last laugh (again) as its representative takes home the fancy trophy with all those cute pennants. Sure, I could have written an article for each team but here’s the NL preview in all its wordy pseudo-awesomeness…
NL East
New York Mets – Thanksgiving Dinner with ALL the trimmings
The Mets are a deep-fried Turducken with all harvest’s finest reapings on the side with each in a hearty portion. And considering Thanksgiving is about how long the celebration will extend, it’s only fitting. Why cut corners when we can cut right to the end of the chase? Who needs to read all 17,000 words of this confabulous mess anyway? (better question: Who WILL?) The Mets are the 2009 World Series Champions. Yup, I said it right away. There’s your Cliff’s notes in a handbasket.
Jose Reyes having an MVP-like season isn’t the reason. David Wright having a career year isn’t the reason. It won’t be Carlos Beltran playing to his potential and then some. Carlos Delgado putting the icing on a Hall of Fame career (and getting his 500th HR) isn’t the reason. Johan Santana getting his first NL Cy Young award isn’t the reason. It’s not a loaded bench; not signing a RH power bat simply to hit a memorable plateau HR in a Metropolitans jersey and not an inevitable mid-season trade for another top tier blue chipper to fill any other hole; not Jerry Manuel, not a new stadium, not a solid young prospect doing work in leftfield, not a number 5 starter, not a potent set-up guy and certainly not an overpriced/overhyped closer .
Maybe it’s a collection of all of those things and then again… maybe it’s NONE of those things: The Mets are simply going to win the National League by default.
The Mets are going to stay healthy – Health is the greatest tool a player can have - and play the season without the bloated hype of their cross-town rivals, the Yankees. With all of the attention paid to the Phillies in their bid to repeat, on the Marlins in their bid to keep their 5-year-cycle of World Series rings in tact, with all the mind-numbing droning about the Yankees and their new digs, the Mets are going to FINALLY have a season where no one will bother to CARE if they choke –yet again. That’s why they won’t. Now, there are no Mets players drowning in unrealistic expectations and no layover from the previous season. The Phillies took all the pressure off the Mets by getting all of the pressure onto themselves.
- Beverage – Dom Perignon. If you’ve never had Dom with Thanksgiving dinner, were you ever REALLY thankful?
- Dessert: AGM baseball cake. You can send me one after the Mets win it all.
- Team MVP: Santana. Not only is he going out there every 5 games to shut down the other teams but he’s going to take the lead in the club house vocally and energy-wise.
- Surprise! The Mets are going to get solid pitching. Yup. Championship teams don’t find ultimate victory on hits alone…
- Record: 96-66; They’re gonna ease off the gas coming down the stretch and lose some close games they don’t need, otherwise this is a 102-105 win caliber team – ESPECIALLY in this division.
Philadelphia Phillies – Refried Beans, 3 Bean salad and Cabbage stuffed cabbage and a full pack of anti-bean-o (a gag gift that is actually a gas increaser)
A dish of gas-inducing experiences. Blinding flatulence, heavy on the “flat”. The Phils are going to stall out of the gate and never recover, yet will feign a competitive race for the N.L. East crown by default. Despite the Mets and the reigning World F*cking Champs, this is the weakest division in baseball in 2009 (despite the records of the scrub teams in the AL West).
The only way the Phillies are “repeating” is in the chorus of farts at double-4 time. The ’08 Phillies were a team that was built with a solid core and made to get a stretch of good play at the right time. They were unexpected. Even Phillies fans were caught off guard. This team was not built to be a dynasty. Pat Gillick is still Pat Gillick and sure enough he’ll tinker and tinker until he messes it all up again. He does have a lot of work to do because let’s face it, the team DIDN’T get any ‘’better’’. Replacing Pat Burrell with Raul Ibanez is AT BEST, a wash (even though the biggest Burrell-hater can tell it’s clearly NOT a wash)… and that’s only if everything goes Ibanez’s way and/or he secretly starts (or goes back to using) performance enhancing drugs.
And considering that there were no other major moves or upgrades (releasing Geoff Jenkins is like lancing a weird growth, not addition by subtraction) the Phils have stalled out and hoping that luck – and a favorable shakedown with the rest of the N.L.) carries them again. It won’t. The Phils had too many career-type seasons from too many players and the pitching staff will come back down to earth in a thud. One injury and the wheels will fall off this squad faster than Anna Benson fell out of the view of cameras.
Shane Victorino will come back down to Earth, Ryan Howard will slump viciously for half the season and then fatten up on inferior pitchers like always, third base is a dreaded pit of despair ever since they shipped out Scott Rolen for two pesos and a taco. Jimmy Rollins and/or Chase Utley will feel the pains of the Championship hangover and let’s face it… nagging injuries hamper middle infielders that feel the need to constantly play hard – like guys who play in Philly MUST play.
Hey, Philly fans should enjoy this era. The home park is full – instead of echoing empty laughter - on a regular basis and people can actually name more than two Phillies players: Mike Schmidt and Steve Carlton must be proud. Good times don’t last forever… Eagles season comes quick when your team is ten games behind the Mets.
- Beverage: Yuengling Lager. It goes well with sitting around talking about the memories of the past – enjoy the lingering hangover Phils fans. It’s all you have left.
- Dessert: Have a Tastykake and try not to spill any on your wife beater.
- Team MVP: Charlie Manuel. Anyone who thinks he’s not the most important guy wearing a number on his back is just plain wrong.
- Surprise! Chase Utley doesn’t get hurt this year and yet his season totals will look eerily similar to ’08.
- Record: 86-76; It’s a winning season! Seventh in a row! That’s the second longest winning season streak for the team since the ’75 – ’84 teams made it 10 in a row. They’ve had only one other consecutive streak more than 4 seasons in a row – since 1883. Enjoy it while it lasts… Championship or not, they ARE still the Phillies!
Atlanta Braves - Meatloaf and Instant Mashed Potatoes
It seems like there should be a lot of good, quality ingredients in here but like any kind of loaf, we really don’t know what’s in it – do we? The potatoes taste like Elmer’s glue and the main course is more loaf than meat but – here we are…
Well, there’s Bobby Cox, the known quantity. At this point of his career, Chipper Jones has proven to be an injury risk merely signing autographs for kids after games. Then again, when he’s on he’s ON. Jeff Francoeur is headed for a breakout season and I don’t know why I feel this way but I think Garrett Anderson was a half-decent pickup. He’s older than you’d like but he’s not dead yet! The Angels got rid of him because he was expendable more than for production possibilities. Jordan Schafer is a decent prospect if he can stay off the performance enhancers, hee, hee. I’m very NOT impressed by the middle infield and Casey Kotchman won’t make anyone forget about Nick Esasky – yes, I did – but should have a banner year (for him). Catcher Brian McCann is a true all-star for this and many years to come.
The stalwart of the Braves Dynasty was their top notch, front line pitching. For the first time since 1987 the organization is without John Smoltz who left for more lucrative pastures. Tom Glavine is still in house but will likely be the equivalent to a #5 starter. Expecting anything more from him is foolish and anything more from him is gravy on the meatloaf. Derek Lowe is the new Ace of the Braves and that’s an interesting combination. Lowe is the prototypical groundball pitcher and a Southern boy who has come back home. Sure he’s a bit petulant and childish in his past but maybe he’s ready to take a step into maturity and lead this team back into prominence. Javier Vazquez is another recovery project for the braves and he very well may put it all back together – it seems like ’09 is the year of the rehabilitating pitchers. Also coming soon is another top flight pitcher (Jake Peavy?) via trade for ultra-potential prospect Tommy Hanson or simply Tommy himself. He is going to be an ace for some team in the future
- Beverage: A coca-cola. Don’t know why I’m being nice to Atlanta, but I am.
- Dessert: Fried Green Tomatoes. I know it’s not a dessert but it’s the South. Those people eat breakfast all day long, I’m sure they’d eat FGT for dessert too. The Braves will get some youngings through the pipeline and we’ll see how good they are after the braves trade them away for more pitchers!
- Team MVP: Francoeur – he could put up career numbers – amazing considering his ’08 season.
- Surprise! Mike Gonzalez can actually close out games! Whooda Thunkit? Actually, I don’t think he can either but am oddly enough guessing that he will.
- Record: 82-80. Yup, a winning record. The Braves aren’t creating any dynasties soon but at least they aren’t totally sucking and will make watching games on TBS a little less painful.
Florida Marlins – Tuna Casserole
The can says Tuna but it’s a long way from some top notch Yellowtail Sashimi. I’m talking casserole with imitation elbow macaroni noodles and government cheese sprinkled on top…
So many people are picking the Marlins to win the NL East (including far too many wild guesses of them making it to the World Series!) I am almost tempted to pick them to finish last in the NL East. The line between good and suck in the National League is razor thin. The Marlins are young and inexperienced and certainly played beyond what seems to have been their capabilities last year. Dan Uggla is not an all-star caliber player in my personal opinion – perhaps his errorfest (and needless inclusion in the HR derby) during last summer’s Now-It-Counts Classic supports my theory?
Sure Hanley Ramirez is getting moved in the order so his *cough, cough* 67 RBI should be improved upon…. Then again, if he gets hurt, this ship is sinking FAST. These Marlins will represent the monster marlin from ‘’the Old Man and the Sea’’ – devoured by sharks before the Old Man gets into port… There’s a couple of holes on the team – third base, outfield, catcher, bullpen… you know, unimportant positions. Can you trust Jorge Cantu? Is Dan Uggla poised for a meltdown or just a regular old-fashioned let down? Is Ricky Nolasco ready to be an ace – and how long will that last? I’m just counting down the days until management starts shipping off some guys to make room for the likes of Logan Morrison in the bigs.
Maybe this team is chum?
- Beverage: salt water with a twist of lemon. It might not quench a thirst but it will aid a sore throat. It’s for the few fans that will come out and scream their voice boxes out and yet go unnoticed.
- Dessert: pork pudding. With the inevitable taxpayer aid and governmental hocus pocus, there is a new stadium in the works – some how, some way it will get done. I just hope that unlike other economically rough times in baseball history, the stadium is well-planned and multi-dimensional instead of corner-cut and “multi-purpose” without being truly functional in any real regard.
- Team MVP: Hanley, even if he gets hurt.
- Surprise! Cameron Maybin isn’t quite as good as everyone tells you he is. An athlete? Yes. Rookie of the Year? No. Andrew Miller will make more of an impact.
- Record: 81-81; A .500 season still isn’t going to make this team put butts in seats. I’m gonna say this about a lot of teams, but maybe it’s time for a simple color scheme change and logo redesign. Simple things like a not-so-early-90’s-fashioned emblem on your threads can rejuvenate and refresh a fan base… teal is dead, let’s bury it already.
Washington Nationals – Half-eaten Unnamed Fast Food Chain cheeseburger (pickle missing) in a greasy brown bag with two salt packets, a pepper packet, a nearly empty but smeared ketchup packet and two crumpled napkins filled with a substance of unknown origin and a broken spork
Yes, the Nationals are the poster team for ineptitude in 2009. They are looking to become the first team since way back - to the ‘07-‘08 Tampa Bay Rays to lock up back-to-back the #1 Overall draft pick (The Rays were the first to accomplish the “feat”). They should have little competition. That’s the BRIGHT side of the Nationals’ season this year… too bad the hype around “the best pitching prospect ever” is the downside for the Nationals.
Despite playing in America’s 7th largest media market, the Nationals have a pretty thin following and thinner hopes after having former GM make a further mess of the franchise – he was the right and wrong guy for the job. Bowden took chances but little else. The Nationals needed to assume “some” risk but they also needed a direction first. Bowden picked up Lastings Milledge and Elijah Dukes but also signed his good buddy Adam Dunn. Two half steps forward and one giant, gloveless, loopy swinging, tungsten-legged step backwards. I have been vocally and hopingly supportive of Dukes on many occasions and still firmly believe his talent and true being will overcome the assumed perceptions of people who judge him on things they’ve heard or read about him. Dukes is an interesting character no doubt, but he (and Milledge) are both FAR from the monsters they are portrayed as being… Young and dumb punks? Maybe but they aren’t monsters. People should save that kind of judgment for the other over-paid professionals in Washington (politicians). But no matter how successful either or both may be in 2009, it’s still just a growth year at best. Competitive teams aren’t built overnight.
Ryan Zimmerman might be baseball’s best kept secret. And some of the players on the roster are far from chumps but as a collection, the team is thin in the Winning department in 2009 and scoop up baseball’s worst record at 61-101.
- Beverage: Obama-ade. Maybe if our constantly-needs-to-be-in-the-spotlight-President can get some time off from his gallivanting wherever a camera might be turned on instead of – you know, doing his work in the White House - he could drop by a Nats game and get them a little media stimulus. Geez, the guy’s already been in front of cameras more than Ronald Reagan ever was – and that includes Reagan’s acting career! Washington, first in Politics, last in the NL East… well, at least one of those things is still true…
- Dessert: Ice Milk. That’s about how interesting this team will be to the casual baseball fans.
- Team MVP: I want to say Dukes or Milledge but Ryan Zimmerman. How can it NOT be Zimmerman?
- Surprise! For some reason my local cable provider here in Northern Lower Michigan carries a D.C. channel that hosts some Nats games. Hell yeah, I’ll watch ‘em! I’m jumping on the bandwagon while the jumping is good!!! Maybe I should contact the front office about a “charity blogging gig”?? Eh?
- Record: 61-101. Close but no cigar, they’ll have to settle for the #2 pick in 2010.
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals – Spare Ribs!
There’s gonna be lots of Ribbies to spare in Saint Loo this summer.
Does anyone remember how good Albert Pujols really is? If you don’t, you’re going to be reminded. This is his season. Not only is he going to have his “career year”, he’s going to win the Triple Crown! Big Al is ready to take it to the stratosphere.
- .370 - 52 -148, 1.100 OPS.
How’s that for you? Enough to win the MVP and enough to carry the Cards into the NLCS and enough to be revered properly as – perhaps/not-so-arguably – the greatest right handed hitter in the game’s history.
And the Cards have other horses in their stable. Ryan Ludwick had 37 of the quietest HR in 2008. Chris Duncan is BY FAR the better of Dave Duncan’s children (gotta love baseball nepotism) – I say children because I have a hard time calling Shelley a boy. Plus we get to hear for another million times how great a story Rick Ankiel is… pssst! If he was truly a great story he would still be pitching and never have used PEDs, just saying. Sure, they are going to miss Troy Glaus but sometimes having to overcome the loss of a high caliber and talented yet douchey player brings a team together (see: Yankees without A-Rod).
The pitching staff can’t possibly get beaten up as badly as they were last year. Although there’s no reason to think the bullpen won’t get smacked around on occasion. Trends tend to deviate towards the norm and perhaps the baseball gods won’t frown upon the pitching mound in New Busch. If Chris Carpenter can accumulate more than 150 IP this season the Cards will be thrilled. Adam Wainwright is the guy they are banking on to do the heavy lifting and they could certainly do worse… like say, their #5 guy Joel Pineiro – the guy has a fun name to say unless you’re rooting for the team on which he’s pitching!
- Beverage: O’Doul’s – this is specifically for Tony LaRussa. For a guy that’s going to get into the Hall of Fame eventually he is hands-down the most over-rated manager in the history of the game – perhaps the most over-rated coach in the history of sports!
- Dessert: Whatever Tony LaRussa doesn’t choke on… yet he will. Come on! For as many great teams as he’s coached (including the ’09 Cards) he should have backed into FAR more than just two championships! Seriously.
- Team MVP (besides Pujols): Why not Ludwick?
- Surprise! Come September, we’ll all be glued to our TV’s watching a mighty mountain of a first baseman in a Cardinals uni takes on a historical feat for the ages. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
- Record: 93-69; they are going to peak too early in the summer and run away from the (S)C(r)ubs then fall off the cliff like Wile E. Coyote against the Mets in the NLCS.
Chicago Cubs – Sauerkraut. Lots and lots of Sauerkraut and one easily disgruntled and sensitive hot dog
Poor Cubs fans. You’d think they’d know better by now. But that’s why they are Cubs fans.
Milton Bradley is the proverbial hot dog but for some reason, the blind fans think he’s the SAVIOR!!! Before he became a Cubs player he was vilified for his petulance, his anger, his attitude issues and a whole bunch of other crap that he got credit for that was blown out of proportion. This is the kind of player that Cubs fans hate – until they become a Cub, of course. And since he’s the one baseball player with the reputation that makes a hopeful person believe he could really sacrifice a goat all by himself, he’s the SAVIOR… Except; he’s going to do the ONE thing that he HAS always done in his career – get hurt.
Yeah, anyone else think there’s gonna be more focus on how Bradley and Sweet Lou get along instead of mid-season yammer like “This is the Year!” It’s not like the Cubs don’t have talent – Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez, Rich Harden, Geovany Soto and a very snappish Carlos Zambrano to be a very successful team. But like most teams in baseball their management has built their team for the squawking fans and (more importantly) to cater to the gate/revenues instead of building their team (such as having a real close, or a steady middle infield) to their conditions and surroundings – a.k.a. their home park and their division… Without a real ownership in place, without a REAL philosophy – no matter how many talented players they force into their lineup - this ship has no captain and no real destination; What kind of team are the Cubs trying to be? They’re just rowing their asses off in circles amidst the Sea of Desperation. That’s the Cubs.
Best Case Scenario for the 2009 Cubs: NOT getting swept out of the playoffs once again. Perhaps this is “the Year” (that they win at least ONE playoff game, that is)!!! Not likely.
- Beverage: A warm can of Old Style… no explanation necessary.
- Dessert: Whatever can be saved until next year. It’s ALWAYS next year…
- Team MVP: Derrick Lee, remember him?
- Surprise! People start to realize that the Cubs were never cursed but have just continually used that excuse to distract everyone from noticing that they suck.
- Record: 87-75; There’s always next lifetime.
Milwaukee Brewers – Hunger Strike; heavy on the “strike”(s)
Yup a hunger strike in Milwaukee. Sounds unfathomable, but it’s true. The Brewers are going to drop like – hmmm… need an outdated pop culture simile here – Oooh! Drop faster than Nicole Richie’s weight – I guess that is a crappy enough attempt since it’s appetite related. (I loathe lame pop culture referencing).
It’s not just losing CC that is going to cause it. It’s what was left behind that will. The Brewers have no legitimate pitching, especially with Trevor Hoffman starting the year on the DL. Ryan Braun’s inability to play defense ANYWHERE on the field (which caused his recent wrist injury) and one . Corey Hart won’t need to make any All-Star game plans, Jason Kendall is human driftwood – washed up – yeah I said it. Between Bill Hall, Mike Cameron and Prince Fielder swinging for the fences of Miller Park it will be very breezy this year… With Jeff Suppan as the “Ace”, the fences are going to get bruised. Rickie Weeks and J. J. Hardy won’t make anyone forget Lou Whitaker and Alan Trammell, but they have the potential to be in the same thinly crafted argument.
The Brewers look like they should be able to find a way to compete on paper, but their chances of competing on a field of grass are as thin as that same paper. It’s sad. The town is a great environment for sports. The town deserves to have a winner – or at least a team worthy of rubbing in Cubs’ fans faces year in and year out. Too bad Packers season will be catching people’s eyes quickly – watching the Brewers chase .500 will be a massive letdown after last year’s excitement.
- Beverage: Beer – lots and lots of beer. Without it, this season is gonna be a snoozer.
- Dessert: More beer. After mortgaging a good chunk of the future, all you have is Mat Gamel to look forward to… more breeze swinging for the trees.
- Team MVP: Prince. People start to give him credit for his glove work, too.
- Surprise! Prince and Cecil finally make up – but it’s only for the cameras, it’s not that sincere and it’s only for the moment.
- Record: 80-82; Considering the last 25 years, 80 wins would seem like something to applaud but after last year the balloon is popped. Good thing in all this, next year will be a reason for optimism!
Pittsburgh Pirates – Meet me at Primanti Bros.
Here comes a big pile of you know what on your sandwich… Fries! Pirates fans… your wait is not over but at least in a couple of years you won’t have to take all that crap from Steelers fans anymore… well, maybe not. It’s an exciting time to be a Pirates fan! The best stadium in pro sports as a home, Jack Wilson doing his best Ozzie Smith impersonation on a nightly basis and the blossoming of the next star to walk the plank to a better franchise, Nate McLouth. McLouth is preventing stud prospect Andrew McCutchen from thrilling baseball fans with his sheer athleticism by simply being a stud himself. I wish I was afforded the opportunity to watch McLouth play on a daily basis but what I have seen from him is downright shocking. The guy has skills! Too bad they’ll be in another uniform all too soon.
There’s not much to say for the pitching staff other than “Good Luck”. Paul Maholm, Ian Snell and Zach Duke are a talented trio but what is their ceiling? It’s not exactly Maddux, Glavine and Smoltz… but considering what this team has been through since the days of “Operation Shutdown”… it really, really, really could be worse.
If I could forcibly change any ownership in baseball other than the Orioles, it would be the Pirates. The city has a rich sports culture – hell, it’s the only thing the city has anymore – and there’s absolutely NO reason baseball shouldn’t thrive there (that means PUT A WINNING TEAM ON THE FIELD ALREADY YOU DUMBASSES!) I’m getting tired of teams crying foul and whimpering about their market. Look, it’s a business. Either run it like one or get out of the business! Every year some crappily run teams bitch about the unfairness of “the system”. Meanwhile another team or two in a CRAPPIER market is out there putting up numbers in the wins column – which puts numbers in the bank column. It CAN be done, it SHOULD be done, now DO IT, dammit! The Pirates are a storied franchise; they have all the necessary equipment and all the manpower to run their business successfully. There are no excuses. It’s one thing to try and fail, it’s another to be less than mediocre very consistently. Blow it up. Start it over. Top to bottom – especially the top, because that’s where the shit that rolls downhill starts.
- Beverage: Iron City beer. Do they still make it? Give a toast to the nearest Steelers diehard and then remind them that it used to be the Pirates’ town…
- Dessert: A fortune cookie: “You WILL eventually be blessed with a new ownership. Here’s hoping it’s sooner than later.”
- Team MVP: Duh…. Nate McLouth. I know I have a thing for ex-Rays, but were you expecting me to say Eric Hinske?
- Surprise! LF Nyjer Morgan outplays the more highly regarded Andrew McCutchen for several years to come.
- Record: 77-85; There’s something to be proud of! Ten wins more than ’08. A monumental achievement indeed!
Cincinnati Reds – Kentucky Fried Chicken
Head across the river for the real deal, southern style homecooked fried chicken not the fast food version. I know Cincy is highly regarded as a "hot dog town", but isn’t just about every other town between the Appalachians and the Rockies? Besides a Coney dog is named so for Coney Island… which is not an island in the Ohio River! Stop the silly games.
Will the real Ramon Hernandez please stand up? OK. Now crouch down and play some catcher already! Brandon Phillips could be an MVP candidate on the right team. But in Cincy he is just like those stars we can’t see in the daytime (if you extinguished the Sun, you would see stars all day) because the Sun (a.k.a. Big Media) is shining too brightly elsewhere… Young sluggers Joey Votto and Jay Bruce get to play a whole season together in the matchbox they call their home stadium – Watch out!!! Joining them in the lineup is rookie Chris Dickerson, the next Rick Ankiel and .
The Reds have some decent pitchers but not much depth in the bullpen. That’s too bad because we all know how Dusty Baker loves to run a pitching staff. Aaron Harang is vastly under-rated, Edinson Volquez might hit some growing pains the second time around and Johnny Cueto has potential to do good things. Then again, Bronson Arroyo is a glorified batting practice pitcher, Francisco Cordero is a chronic whiplash sufferer and Arthur Rhodes is 39 years old going on a Million.
- Beverage: 1 part chlorine bleach, 1 part Liquid Drano. Put ‘em in separate glasses and mix them in your mouth and swallow immediately… you should be dead by the second inning. It will be painful and gut wrenching but still easier than being a Reds fan.
- Dessert: Wait for May and load up on mint juleps at Churchill Downs – that’s the one race anyone in the surrounding 300 miles will be tuning into this summer because the Reds will be out of the NL Central race well before then.
- Team MVP: Jonny Gomes. Regardless of how much he plays or even how well, he will make the clubhouse fun. He will galvanize the different cliques, crews and factions in the locker room. No doubt, the Rays miss his contagious energy and joy of life.
- Surprise! Dusty Baker is the Reds’ manager in 2010. A surprise indeed!
- Record: 71-91; This is the one team’s final record I feel I could be the furthest off on… it could go 7 games plus or as many as 12 games south.
Houston Astros – Slim Jims, Slim Fast, and Slim Pick’ns
The Astros’ chances are very slim indeed this year… that is, except for a certain rotund DH pretending to make a cow’s death about the glove he wields more as a fashion instrument than as a tool of his trade. Carlos Lee gets a lot of leash for being as fat as he is whereas other guys who aren’t as fat get lauded endlessly. Lee is a Virginia Ham with a bat. Five hundred internet bucks says he hurts himself on the bases or running after a ball down the line. It’s not hard to envision, is it? I bet that a player that was supposed to be sent to the minors comes up missing for a few days before someone finds him under one of Lee’s fat flaps.
Lance Berkman is a fixture in Houston and probably really loves living in Texas but you have to think how many times he’s considered asking to be traded to a real contender. Lance truly should receive more credit for his ability to hit from both sides of the plate, but I think most people look at the awkward way he moves about and think – this guy can’t be a top flight athlete. He moves funny, he walks awkward and runs in a ridiculous fashion, but the guy can hit a baseball while sleepwalking. Plus he looks like he’s always wearing eyeliner, but that’s another story. He could be accumulating a Hall of Fame career if he can stick around long enough and a change of environment – say, to a big market team (Seriously, how is Houston NOT a big market? What a weird town.) - might speed that process along.
The Astros are in flux. The old era is gone and the current era is reminiscent of a team grabbing at straws in order to pretend to stay relevant. There’s Roy Oswalt and then there’s the void. Mike Hampton?? Really? As a pinch hitter?
- Beverage: Anything with gratuitously infused Hemlock
- Dessert: A second can of Slim Fast. Share it with Carlos Lee.
- Team MVP: Berkman and Oswalt share the honors. If today’s MLB was like the old NBA Jamz video game – where two players represented each team – then the Astros would be pretty good! “He’s on fire!”
- Surprise! Ivan Rodriguez and Miguel Tejada just aren’t as good without their chemical assistance. Surprise!
- Record: 68-94; An 18 win drop off from last season is going to be painful for the kind folks of the Texas Gulf Coast.
NL West
Colorado Rockies – Rocky Mountain Oysters
Yup, the Rockies are bringing the full sack of testes to the table and gutting out another miraculous run for the NL West crown. Rocky Mountain Oysters are actually quite delicious when fresh and prepared properly… from what I hear, that is. I’ve yet to try them mostly because they are pricey (though the cow pays the greater price).
Troy Tulowitzki is coming back with a vengeance. Todd Helton is trying to cement some Hall of Fame consideration while sudden ace Aaron Cook and new closer Huston Street are out to prove that pitchers can dominate in Denver. Jason Marquis is trying to re-establish himself as a quality starter. Garrett Atkins is out to prove himself one of the NL’s best third basemen. Brad Hawpe is out to prove that the Rockies won’t miss Matt Holliday as much as everyone else thinks they will. Clint Barmes and Chris Iannetta are solid players capable of starting for most any MLB team.
The pink elephant in the room when conversing about the Rockies is always the elevation (No one ever bitches about the elevation in Phoenix or Atlanta). The ball flies further, outs become hits, pitches don’t bite as much, blah, blah, blah… it’s still a game of “Get 27 outs”. Rockies management took a while but seems to understood that it takes a team built around 81 games at 5,280 ft above sea level that can also win at 8 ft above sea level and everywhere in between. The Rockies are going to catch teams off guard this year – and rightfully so considering the diminished expectations from most pundits - and it’s going to be enough to pull off a tie for the NL West lead.
The Rockies will display a glimpse of the future with rookie outfielder Dexter Fowler making the opening day roster and phenom Eric Young Jr. in the near future. They would also like to get a little juice out of their past with lefty Jeff Francis getting healthy and returning to his former self.
- Beverage: Coors Extra Gold. For all the crap Coors takes for making the pisswater known as Coors Light, Extra Gold might actually be the best of the mass-produced American beers. It’s the only one that doesn’t make me feel ill on one end and/or the other; and that’s my barometer. So there.
- Dessert: Trail mix; fresh picked Colorado berries and granola. It’s nice and light so no one will go on the DL carrying it home unlike one of Todd Helton’s venison flanks.
- Team MVP: Tulowitzki; (Movie Guy Voice) He’s pissed and ready to kick ass and take names later.
- Surprise! The Rockies get more press in September than the precious Broncos!
- Record: 86-77; Rockies win the one game playoff with the Dodgers for the NL West crown but that’s all the further they get this time.
Los Angeles Dodgers – California Roll, softshell crab tempura, seaweed salad, and a bag of nuts
What is Jason Schmidt going to bring to the mound this season? If he’s (unlikely) in his old form, he will be the difference maker. But despite the loads of talent on the roster there’s a reason the Dodgers won’t run away with the division… they aren’t that good of a team. The NL West will be there for the taking and they won’t be able to close the deal.
Russell Martin is a hell of a ballplayer and Brad Ausmus is a fine backup. Casey Blake grows one hell of a beard when he chooses. Remember way back to when Randy Wolf was still a pitcher? The Sultans of Chavez Ravine have tons of young studs in the making already producing results: Starting with the highly touted Clayton Kershaw and includes Blake DeWitt, Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp and coming soon Delwyn Young. Middle infielder prospect Chin-Lung Hu will make either former all-star Rafael Furcal or former all-star Orlando Hudson obsolete sooner than later.
And then there’s Manny Ramirez, who already has far too many words written about him and **surprise!** is the bag of nuts on the menu. Must be something about guys that call themselves Manny…?!?
- Beverage: Sake Bombs! Kirin Ichi ban! Maybe a little plum wine on the side… I REALLY need to find a decent sushi joint.
- Dessert: A big bowl of smog and a mid-range strength earthquake during the season. (It’s overdue, isn’t it?)
- Team MVP: Not Manny. He’s gonna deal with his nagging injury. How does Russell Martin sound? Catchers are always truly more valuable than outfielders anyway.
- Surprise! The Dodgers will make a trade midseason for a big name player again this season but as indicated below with the numbers 85-78, it won’t matter in the end. Joe Torre’s personal consecutive playoff run (longer than ANY other team, player or manager in sports) comes to a squeaking halt. But doesn’t a one game playoff count? It will for trivia geeks (such as myself).
- Record:85-78; Or good enough for about 68 wins in the AL East.
Arizona Diamondbacks – Rattlesnake Enchiladas in a green sauce with toasted mescal grubs and a scorpion and tarantula paté
No, this isn’t Bizarre Foods, this is a bizarre team though. Snake meat is tasty and enchiladas are messy. Mescal grubs are packed with protein (but gross in our society) and who doesn’t like scary insects made into a paté?
The one-two punch of Brandon Webb and Dan Haren is quite formidable and expected #5 starter Max Scherzer has future ace skills in his arsenal. But what will [Doug Davis]] and any other pitcher going to bring to the bump? The bullpen is insulting and for some reason the D-Backs believe they can make anyone into a quality closer. Good luck Chad Qualls! Enjoy looking over your shoulder all season long.
The Snakes have potential studs at a couple positions. Justin Upton and Stephen Drew are poised to break out and make names for themselves instead of being the little brothers. Bringing Felipe Lopez in to replace Orlando Hudson is ironic as hell. Bringing Tony Clark back is just weird. I guess the D-Backs thought he was good mojo or maybe he made one hell of a player rep? He’s a veteran and a good guy but where is going to play – full time pinch hitter? Mark Reynolds might strike out 300 times in a season during his career and just as likely he might hit 85 HR – the guy can flat out mash; but his defense is under-rated and improving. Chris Young is a strange fellow to pin down; he has five tools just never seems to have all five at the same time. Most excitingly, the Desert Serpents are getting their heart and soul back from a lost season of injury, Eric Byrnes. Byrnesy had a gleeful time rehabbing his hammy and filming his TV show in ’08 but is staring at a harsh reality; his career is winding down fast and hard – just like he’s always played. The plus to Eric Byrnes finishing his career is he’ll jump right into an announcing booth and continue to entertain us all. Speaking of announcers, at what point will the D-Backs lose Mark Grace to a major media outlet? He must REALLY love living in Fountain Hills and hate traveling because there’s no reason he isn’t on a major network being Mark Grace.
- Beverage: Patron Añejo Prickly Pear Margaritas. The fruit of opuntia cacti with the finest nectar of Mexico on ice. Disgustingly sweet and truly a crime to bastardize Añejo in a margarita or with ice, but that’s what this team is in for – indulgence desecrated.
- Dessert: Coldstone Ice Cream. (Strawberry Blonde, please…) Based in Scottsdale, it’s indulgent, overpriced and spreading throughout the U.S. because “I Gotta Have It!”. The summers can be irrepressible in the Sonoran Desert so any opportunity to cool off is welcomed. The D-Backs will start as just as cold as the cold stone.
- Team MVP: Justin Upton as he makes his bid to join the 30-30 club.
- Surprise! Bob Melvin (who looks terrible in ‘Sedona Red’) should start making his good byes now. He’ll be axed midseason as the ownership group re-organizes the management from front office to Rookie ball. Besides, the D-Backs are loaded with “future managers” throughout the organization. Too bad some halfwit will choose Kirk Gibson instead.
- Record: 80-82; Sniffing .500 should be a reason to throw a parade, but remember that .500 in the NL Worst is not exchangeable for .500 in any other division.
San Francisco Giants – Raw Oysters on the half shell
If you enjoy raw oysters then they aren’t just food to you, they are medicine. They make you feel robust and ready to mount anything that gets moist. Hurray for Zinc! Not just an aphrodisiac, raw shellfish is often the host for the bludgeoning instrument known as food borne illness. So it is a little too much like Russian roulette to some people.
The Giants played Russian roulette with Barry Bonds last year and somehow, no one got hurt… but no one really won either. The Giants wanted to step away from the trainwreck and clear their good names but bonds just floated in the collective consciousness and never really got separated from the franchise. It’s hard to think about Barry without associating the Giants somehow. And let’s face it… they really could have used him last season no matter how little or how much he produced. At least he gets people talking…
Now they are building around their whirling dervish Ace, Tim Lincecum and another playing more roulette with the Big Unit. I always thought every player over 6’8” should become a “Giant” on principle alone but R.J.’s got a TON of miles on him and his back is held together with smoke and mirrors. He stays healthy and he could be awesome in that park. But who are we kidding? Even if he’s healthy, he’s only going to be “The Big Unit” every 3 to 4 starts anyway. And he’s not exactly far from Barry Bonds on the surliness spectrum; he might be MORE surly! Regardless, that’s a hell of a one-two punch if it works out. If Matt Cain is solid and Barry Zito unscrambles his mind and body and forgets how bad he has sucked since moving across the bay, maybe, just maybe the Giants make a run for it. But, maybe it’s possible that’s a lot of ifs, maybes, possibles and buts. Especially because Brian Wilson is a lucky closer not a good one and the rest of the bullpen amounts to a succession of batting tees.
The offense might be downright putrid at times. Who is going to drive in runs? Worse yet, who is going to get on base to be driven in? The Giants will need to play a lot of station-to-station baseball and they do have some speed but they’re going to have trouble winning 2-1 and 3-2 day in and day out.
- Beverage: Beer is perfect with oyster shooters – since alcohol does a GREAT job of essentially drowning/killing any living organism that might be thriving in the food - but this team needs Kool-Aid. Not the Jim Jones approved brand (he actually used Flav-o-aid, not Kool-Aid) but Kool-Aid. Artificial flavoring, artificial coloring and a 5 pound bag of sugar. Why? Because we need to keep being reminded the Giants don’t need Barry Bonds… enough sucrose to give a hummingbird a heart attack is the recommended amount.
- Dessert: Nate Schierholtz in the bigs to stay sprinkled with more sugar. He is a quality player and a personal favorite of the author.
- Team MVP: Fudge… I guess it’s Aaron Rowand by default.
- Surprise! How much do the Giants wish they would have signed a big name… say Manny Ramirez? Too bad he was yanking the Dodgers’ chain with the most yankable grip available, the hated Giants. Dodgers vs. Giants is a longer, meaner and better rivalry than the Yankees v. Red Sox “rivalry” could dream to be. No matter what their records, it’s ALWAYS a bare knuckle brawl. I’m not fooled, ESPN.
- Record: 72-90; They could push over .500 if R.J. plays the whole season and plays nice with the other kids in the clubhouse. His attitude with teammates is touchier than it should be. Too bad he’s gonna break down like a 1976 Chevette.
San Diego Padres – A bowl of baking soda and a big glass of vinegar – add food coloring for effect
Blow ‘em up! Shred the blueprints, clean house and start all over again.
His much we know – Brian Giles has a deep rooted affection with living in San Diego (so many rumors abound as to why, but that’s not important here). For all intensive purposes, he needs to be traded, despite his no-trade clause, he should want to be traded for his own good and the Padres’ good… and he’s getting traded. We can only assume Jake Peavy is getting dealt at some point as well. Seems inevitable. David Eckstein is still (s)crappy and heading into the trade deadline will find himself useful for some team with playoff delusions. Cliff Floyd might be in that same boat – if he stays in tact.
It’s almost like you wonder – “Gee, who would the Padres keep?” Adrian Gonzalez seems like a player worth building around but once the selling starts EVERYTHING MUST GO! This is what happens when teams are about to be sold to new owners. Like any business, the walls are stripped bare, the old regime takes everything they can get – from the artwork, the furniture to the copper wiring in the walls. It’s all getting replaced anyway! Manager Bud Black gets the fun of watching his hard work get blown up for naught and then will take the blame when the rebuild occurs slower than expected (read: in a natural progression). Eh, even if he jets, he’ll get another job somewhere.
- Beverage: Cheap Tequila… lots and lots of cheap tequila. If it’s good enough for giving yourself surgery at home, it’s good enough for being a Padres fan.
- Dessert: Fish Tacos. No one can live on baking soda and vinegar alone… the future is all the Fathers have. The kids in the system better develop because they aren’t going to get many blue chippers back in their fire sale.
- Team MVP: Peavy, unless he’s traded; then it’s Adrian Gonzalez… unless he’s traded too.
- Surprise! The Padres will announce that they will play some home games in Mexico in the next few years. Unfortunately, they will keep desecrating camouflage. Good ideas, poor execution.
- Record: 68-94; Sixty Eight wins in the NL West is nothing to brag about, but Padres fans probably should anyway.
Playoffs
Rockies beat Dodgers in one game NL West Division playoff (Final Score: 8-3)
Mets (96-66) over Cubs (88-74) – 3-0
Cards (93-69) over Rockies (86-77) – 3-1
Mets over Cards - 4-1 – and it’s not that close…
MVP
- 1st Place - Albert Pujols – 370 - 52 -138 – Gold Glove, first NL Triple Crown winner since another Cardinal, Joe Medwick
- 2nd Place – Jose Reyes - .313 – 25 – 90 – 129 R, 69 SB
- 3rd place – Troy Tulowitzki - .341 – 31 - 122
Cy Young
- 1st Place – Johan Santana – Mets – 23-5, 2.31, 268 K’s, Pitching Triple Crown (his second, becoming the first pitcher to accomplish the feat in both leagues)
- 2nd Place - Jake Peavy – Padres/New Team (Braves?) – 19 – 8, 2.48, 233 K’s
- 3rd Place –Brandon Webb – Diamondbacks – 20 – 11, 2.98, 200 K’s
R.O.Y.
- 1st Place – Max Scherzer – Diamondbacks – 13-6, 3.80, 189 K’s
- 2nd Place - Dexter Fowler – Rockies - .305 – 11 – 66, 31 SB
- 3rd Place – Cameron Maybin – Marlins - .273 – 16 – 57
