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If the Atlanta Hawks and I Went to Elementary School Together

by Drewditzel

created February 08, 2008, last edited February 10, 2009

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I think it was at the Woodward Academy open scrimmage for the Atlanta Hawks that I began to realize how good an athlete every player in the NBA actually is. To be that big and move that fast without falling all over yourself is impressive. The more I watch games live the more I am like, “daaaaaaaaaaaaaang!” I truly think the top ten most athletic players on every team could do something on a basketball court that truly amazes you. That is 83 percent of every team. And sure I have no data or stats to back that up, but I do know everyone in the highlight factory is like, “daaaaaaang” when Mario West dunks a ball. He is the Hawks 12th man (or the last one to make the roster). You don’t see that with David Wells or any center in the NFL. Sure they are strong, agile athletes, but I think NBA players are complete and total freaks.

And it got me thinking back to elementary school. Because, as we all know, you had to be good at something in elementary school or risk being the booger eater in the corner. (That would be Bart in my grade at High Point.) And as freak athletes, these Hawks must have been the kings of the roost. Whooping up. Getting the back seat everyday in the bus. You know the people.

But as the second best tag player at High Point Elementary in fifth grade, my pride will not let me stand here and say these Hawks would have completely ruled my school. Almost ruled it? No doubt. But I have found a game for each of the starting five that I think would have [1] exposed theses awesome athletes.

Marvin Williams: Hop Scotch.

Marvin can shoot. Marvin can run. Marvin can dunk. Marvin cannot do complicated activity involving his lower body. Exhibit A: He walks like he has a dump in his pants. Exhibit B: 85% of his drives to the basket.

Joe Johnson: Heads up seven up

I use to take great pride in not cheating during this game. But if we are to get right down to it, the whole point of the game was to cheat. You could do the “peak through the crack of your arm” trick. Or the “scoot to the edge of the desk and look at the shoes” trick. But the winners always cheated. And only way to stop the winners from winning was to rat them out hard to your teacher. Well, we all know Joe ain’t complaining. I am unsure if he even talks. But no call after no call in a game and never a word. That friends is a weakness. And when heads up seven up came around, you better believe I am exploiting it.

Al Horford: Incomplete

I could never compete against big Al. He is my future best friend.

If I was to go back to third grade, we would probably just become blood brothers and compete at being awesome together.

Josh Smith: Tag

Little known fact about tag. It is a game of ego. Play within yourself and you are in the clear. I learned this from a wise playground sensei around the age of seven. It is not about how fast you are. It [2] is about knowing how far you can be from base and still get back.

It is not as if I could outrun, jump, or maneuver past the Inspector. It is just that he would think he could do all three of those just a little more than he actually could.

This character trait comes through every time he launches a three and the crowd collectively inhales.

Anthony Johnson: Pencil Pop

Two words: Fat fingers.

Speedy Claxton: Bloody Knuckles

To make up for my refusal to compete against Al, I will give you this one. Let’s be honest, speedy would quit after one round of punches. And I don’t even punch hard.

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