About the Author
Mike Frangione has engaged himself in the noble calling of sportswriting over the years (1991-1997, and again in 2007), enjoying two stints covering (stringing) High School sports for my local newspaper in South Jersey. That was a great learning experience and also a great deal of fun.More By Sj-hypocycloid
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How do you solve a problem like J-Roll?
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♪♪♪♪ How do you solve a problem like J-Roll?
He climbs the order and gets an ofer
His uniform has got a tear
He whiffs on his way to .207
And pitch selection ain't there
And underneath his Oakleys
He has bravado in his heart
I even heard him singing in the dugout
He's always loathe to take
But his lack of patience is unreal
He's always loathe for walking
Only 16 times this year
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Right now, he's not an asset to the Phillies
I'd like to say a word in his behalf
J-Roll is a fan favorite!
How do you solve a problem like J-Roll?
How do you stanch a proud man of renown?
How do you find a word that means J-Roll?
A fielding whiz! A baserunning threat! An MVP!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay
And listen to all you say
How do you get Charlie on board?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like J-Roll?
How do you hold a talented mofo in your hand?
When I'm watching him I'm confused
Out of focus and contused
And I never know exactly why he's there
In the leadoff spot - despair!
He's swinging like a tether
He's a player! He's a leader! He's a fan fave!
He strikes out with some zest
Drive a manager to his rest
He could throw a whirling dervish out at first
He is talented! He is wild!
He's a riddle! He's a child!
He's a headache! He's a problem!
He leads off?!?
How do you solve a problem like J-Roll?
How do you stanch a proud man of renown?
How do you find a word that means J-Roll?
A fielding whiz! A baserunning threat! An MVP!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay
And listen to all you say
How do you get Charlie on board?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Charlie?
Please, Charlie move Jimmy down in the order!
Sing it to the tune of the great Rodgers and Hammerstein song "Maria" from the great movie The Sound of Music.
I apologize heartily to Mssrs. Rodgers and Hammerstein for what I've done to their fine creation.
And besides the Braves have done jack this decade.