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The Future Mrs. Evan Longoria

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Hottie Rays Chick Sayz: Evan Can’t Wait; Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

by The future mrs evan longoria

created June 10, 2008, last edited June 05, 2009

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Tampa Bay Rays Are Going to the World Series! Hurrah!

Premature prediction? Not on your life. That magic number is shrinking faster than a virgin’s inhibitions!

Yes, I’m a chick not too hard on the eyes. Yes, I’m girlie. Yes, I model. Yes, I graduated from college with a degree in sales and marketing. And yes, I’m very aware that sex sells. Deal with it boys! Looks kill, but brains rule. Got it? But first and foremost, I am a Rays fan. Not just any casual friend. This isn’t a one night stand kind a girl here. I am a FANatic over this team. Insane in the membrane. The Rays #1 fan in the world! Mess with the best and you lose like the rest, suckers!

My mission? Glad you asked. It is quite simple. To be at the World Series this fall to watch my guys win it all. More on that later. And to meet Evan Longoria. No matter what it takes, Evan and I are hooking up.

Why? Because I am the future Mrs. Evan Longoria! The bride to be for baseball’s greatest ballplayer of all-time!

Getting ahead of myself? Maybe. But then again, maybe not.

Check out the facts.

1. Where did Evan play minor ball?

Well, I will tell you. He played for the Durham Bulls. That’s right guys, he played on the same team made famous by Nuke La Ruche and Crash Davis. And he was awesome there in Durham. I wonder if there really is a bull sign out there in right field? If you hit the bull, does everyone really get free steaks? Evan was the best looking guy ever to play for Durham! Those uniforms are hot! And I’m a hell of a lot wilder and better looking than Susan Sarandon (younger version, not the current status) when wearing a garter belt!

2. Against which team did Evan hit his first big league home run?

Hint: It wasn’t against some scrub team like Baltimore. No way sir! It was against the so-called mighty New York Yankees. He owns them! Some sportswriter guy once wrote that Evan hits so hard that the ball “explodes off his bat”. Comparing him to Ryan Braun is like comparing Madonna to William Hung.

3. Listen to what other baseball greats have said about Evan Longoria:
Pete Rose: “I’d bet on this kid making the Hall of Fame."
Ty Cobb: “I hate everyone but admit that this man is damn good!”
Mickey Mantle: “This guy is fast. Real fast! And can hold his booze!”
Mark McGwire: “Evan is better and stronger than me. And he doesn’t use steroids!”
Mike Piazza: “I’d do him.”
Nolan Ryan: “Evan is so tough that he could take my fastball right in the head and not even flinch!”
Roberto Clemente: “I was born to play baseball. But Evan was created by God to be the greatest ballplayer of all-time!”
Babe Ruth: "I tip my cap to Evan. This guy will be the future home run king! But I still rule at eating hot dogs!"
Barry Bonds: “Go away.”
Jackie Robinson: “Evan’s number will be the second one to be retired by all of baseball.”
Roger Maris: “Never too early for Rogaine, Evan.”
Ted Williams: “How dare you swing a sweeter bat?”

Okay so I made these up. But excuse me! Evan will need his own wing in the Hall of Fame all to himself when he is done with baseball!

4. The Tampa Bay Rays are going to replace the Yankees as baseball’s greatest franchise.

And no matter what, the Boston Red Sox are a temporary flash in the pan. Matt Damon can yammer all he wants to Robin Williams in that pseudo gayish brainiac meets the shrink movie about Pudge willing the ball to stay fair. So what? Who cares. Dinosaurs were great once as well. And now they are extinct. Just like the Red Sox will also soon be.

Hank Steinbrenner is an idiot and a poor Joe’s imitation of his dad. Face it, this guy sucks big time being Boss Hog Jr. Joe Torre must be as a happy as a man in a Texas whorehouse to be managing the Dodgers. Joe Girardi must be in Hell right now. What is he doing with Joba Chamberlain?

The time of the Yankees has been eclipsed. Sun sets over the lake. Pan the camera out. Fade to black. Movie is over. Throw on the lights and lower the curtain. Finite. Kaput. Over and done. Good bye. No need for an encore. Go home now.

The king is dead.

Now it is the Rays time! Long live the new kings of baseball!

It will happen. It is all there for everyone to see. All these years, everyone laughed at those “Devil” Rays. And then something magical happened. Ownership saw its errors and got rid of the “Devil” part of the name. Now it is just “Rays”. And that sounds so much sexier, and God friendlier as well. Like Ray Charles sang:

Georgia, Georgia, The whole day through Just an old sweet song Keeps Georgia on my mind I'm say Georgia Georgia A song of you Comes as sweet and clear As moonlight through the pines Other arms reach out to me Other eyes smile tenderly Still in peaceful dreams I see The road leads back to you I said Georgia, Ooh Georgia, no peace I find Just an old sweet song Keeps Georgia on my mind Other arms reach out to me Other eyes smile tenderly Still in peaceful dreams I see The road leads back to you Georgia, Georgia, No peace, no peace I find Just this old, sweet song Keeps Georgia on my mind I said just an old sweet song, Keeps Georgia on my mind

Ever share an intimate moment with someone you care about with Ray playing the ivories on the turntable by a roaring fire?

Vote for Evan Longoria!

Still nowhere near a turn on as watching a Rays game.

Want to know how I feel about Evan? Pure love baby, pure love. Just replace “Georgia” with “Evan”. Play it again Ray! You are going to have to sing all night long!

5. With me at Evan’s side, the possibilities are endless.

I love Evan passionately. But I also love baseball. I am a fan first. And yes, this gal loves money. I have 17 and a half million reasons to love Evan Longoria! With me on his arm, I will make sure that Evan always has his mind on baseball when he doesn’t have his mind on me!

Seriously, the Rays owner should put me on the payroll. I will keep Evan hard and strong if you know what I mean. If the Giants can pay for Bonds’ steroid providing buddies all those years, then surely it is worth it for the Rays to having me around. And I promise you, not one illegal substance will enter Evan Longoria’s body while I am with him.

Evan Longoria will be the greatest non-steroid using baseball player in history. Check that. He will be the greatest ballplayer ever. End of statement!

6. Take Me Out to the Ballgame!

I am on a mission. One of you lucky SOBs is going to take me to the World Series. Show me a good time and I will return the favor!

The details:

All you got to do is the following:

1. Be good looking with a nice heart. If you have to ask yourself if you qualify on those terms then do not bother to apply for the thrill of taking me to the World Series in Tampa Bay. If you don't leave me a pic then you don't get to advance in this little contest!

2. Yes, money is needed. Don't kid yourself. I like to have a good time. And not necessarily in places that accept third party diner checks or IOUs. Cash is king. Show me the night of my life. I just might make it one for yourself as well. First class treatment of me results in first class favors later.

3. I want good seats. Yes, yes I know. What game(s) are we going to? When? Again, those with the cash don't care. If you have to rush home to pay the bills, then you already are out of the running here. NO BOX SEATS. Must be as close to third base as possible.

4. First class airfare for me and a girlfriend. Yes, somebody will be watching out for me. A lot of wingnuts out there. Don't be one of them. Will keep you posted on where I will be when the time arrives. Like I said, I'm a gal that travels a lot. Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee.

5. Don't be a creep. I expect top notch value here. You are getting a precious commodity - MY TIME. Respect me at all times.

6. Evan's jersey. No “third” “alternate” jersey. God I hate those. Home or away (better would be both and let me pick to match my outfit) would be just fine. Classic style always rules and never goes out of fashion. Ever. Jenn Sterger is my hero. No such thing as a size too small (clothes that is) on me! Think you are up to the task? Leave me a bio and pic. If you are really bold, email me:

thefuturemrslongoria at gmail dot com

7. I Love Writing About Baseball!

Jenn Sterger is a genius. She knew what she needed to do to get media attention. And then she went for it without looking back. Now it is my turn. My goal is to become a nationally recognized baseball writer.

And to marry Evan Longoria. Oh by the way, Evan is a Libra. I know a lot about astrology. This was his horoscope:

As far as getting ahead and achieving things, this is a low point. Try to work out or find ways to express yourself physically, like working in the yard or playing sports; otherwise you are prone to become belligerent with the people you are closest to.

You hear that? He is going to play awesome! Keep your mind on the ball honey!

Think you have what it takes to win and take me to the ball game! Then don’t be a putz and get your butt in the game! Before it is too late.

PS: But first thing’s first. Let’s vote for Evan to be in the All Star Game! If Evan is not playing then just go ahead and bulldoze Ruth’s House already! It isn’t a true game of stars without baseball’s young sexy stud of superstar.

Visit my page over at myspace to read more!

Interesting site here. But seems a little too conformist for me. I play by my rules. Life is short. Why worry about tomorrow instead of living your fullest today?

You miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take a life. Take a shot! Evan, I’m yours. Forever.

See you at Tropicana Field. In the World Series.

Peace and love,