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Have you Jacked Up Your Local Supermarket for Cough Meds Lately?
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Oh man, what a weekend! You ever get a weekend that every possible thing that happens to you is a good one? Those are the weekends to live for! However, I’ll be totally honest, it wasn’t perfect…It was almost perfect. See, perfect would’ve been if we had some freaking rain in Central Florida…I know the Rays are hot, by my God, can we just see it rain on their parade at least for a little while. Man, I’ll tell you, I’m sweating more so than a whore does in church…Other than that though, the weekend was "nine bags of chips" as Howie Schwab would suggest!
The Lakers are down 2-0…But don’t worry all you Purple & Gold "Bandwagon Jumpers," (Mike Bibby sends his regards) with the series shifting to TinselTown, David Stern and the NBA has your guys back! The only question that there will be is who will take the 3-2 series lead back to BeanTown…So no need to get your Hanes all in a bunch! Not only that, it was another year and other Triple Crown threat that went up in smoke. Now I have mixed emotions about the Belmont…I wanted to see Double BB pull off something that hasn’t been down in my lifetime, however I wanted to see the trainer dude, the one whose yap is open more than a freaking 7-11 get cake all over his face! Hey trainer dude, that’s what happens when big ole horsey can’t cash the check you write…You’re just standing there in your soaked drenched Armani threads wanting to bury you head in Big Brown’s hay! Hell, I’ve seen better from UPS trucks…And surprisingly they don’t need steroids to function, only gas! Something Little Brown ran out of, leaving you to wondering what went wrong and just standing there looking like Jackass Number One bud!
See, now here’s where my weekend got interesting…As I was feeling my wild oats after the Belmont, feeling frisky if you will, having Top Gun’s theme song "Highway to the Danger Zone" song of in my melon I had to do something with my Saturday night. So I decided to take a page out of the playbook of Paul Laurence Dunbar High School star running back Jarred Green. You know the one that made him famous just 24-hours before I became a full-fledged copycat where J.G. was charged with first-degree robbery by Lexington Po-Po after he "allegedly" tried to steal cough medicine from the Kroger pharmacy. Damn, I knew I did something wrong…I chose a Pic-N-Save, DO’H!
Yes sir, there’s nothing like bringing first degree robbery charges against oneself over a bottle of Robtussin! Excuse me, it was four packs of Coricidin. My advice, should’ve stuck with Tussin, especially DM…Does the trick for me every time! Though this unheard of medication by moi has hallucinogenic properties in high dosages…So I’m guessing your Marijuana, "Angel Dust", "Ecstasy" hookup either ran dry or doesn’t have the new AT&T and you didn’t feel like becoming Lexington’s version of Johnny Knocker…
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Not only that, after having your hand caught in the cookie jar, (or in this case pharmacy) why not make matters worse and go Rocky Balboa on store employees, giving the store's manager cuts and scratches to his wrist, and a loss prevention officer also received cuts and scrapes to her knees. Awesome! Not only do you jack cough meds, you, well, fight like a sissy too. Nice! I’m sure this is exactly what Herb Brooks and The University of Kentucky football program had in mind when you recently committed to play football next fall. OOPS! Hey, don’t worry Cough Meds Sticky fingers, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about when it comes to them ripping your scholarship up…We’re talking about Kentucky Wildcat football here! They need all the help they can get…I’m sure they were blown away by the Kroger surveillance video of which they saw you holding on to those four packs of Coricidin oh so well! Not at all worried about you becoming a fumbling liability in the backfield! Though on second thought, your shop lifting skills are better suited in Tallahassee at Florida State! "Dag Gum It!" Bobby Bowden would just love your ass! They just love their "Sticky Fingers" in Tally!
And to think we all thought that numbskull at Purdue, (Torri Williams) was a shit for brains for stealing condoms in his shop-lifting episode. Look, I can appreciate dude trying to promote the game of safe sex and something we all should be doing, but come on…You play big time college football, (I think, if Purdue’s considered that). We know you get ass everyday of the week, but resorting to a game a 10-year game play in jacking a box of "Boilmakers"…What, did your Pell Grant not come through? Or did you forget you meal money?
Like I said, trying to have safe sex, well I can appreciate…Dude jacking up a pharmacy just to get high on cough meds, well if I was the University of Kentucky I may just want to reconsider and reevaluate Mr. One Jarred Green and what he’ll bring to the UofK! And oh yeah, for the record Greene pleaded not guilty. Then again, don’t they all!
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