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101 Things that Would Surprise Me More than Manny Ramirez Using Steroids (at least slightly)
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So the world is shocked ***GASP!*** that another MLB player has allegedly been caught with his greedy red hands in the hormone-enhancing jar. Why? If y'all would have taken my advice from July 10, 2006 a.k.a. way back when... you'd already know there's NO REASON to be shocked. Big money + big boys + playing kid's games = Rules will be broken.
Anyway, here's 101 things that WOULD surprise me more than Manny Ramirez (or ANY athlete: I'm still looking at YOU, Tiger) getting caught with performance enhancing drugs. On to the filler!!!
101. Manny Ramirez takes the time off with his 50-game suspension to "find himself".
100. Manny Ramirez writes a book.
99. Manny Ramirez learns how to write.
98. Theo Epstein admits he is really a woman in disguise.
97. Mark McGwire admits he was once a woman and still gets moisty when he says the word "dinger".
96. Manny Ramirez wins a Tony Award during his suspension.
95. Manny Ramirez promotes a sex drug called Mannywood and a porn flick called "Manny Doing Manny".
94. Rafael Palmeiro turns in his Gold Glove (at DH) and states he really doesn't deserve the award (or any of the other postseason awards he never received) since he took PEDs.
93. Sammy Sosa gave gonorrhea to aliens when they try to abduct him.
92. Jason Giambi chokes to death on a banana in a fitting room trying on a new gold thong.
91. The Yankees admit that New Yankee Stadium was built on the site of a former female fertility drug production facility.
90. MLB finally leaks the entire list of positive tests from 2003 and Ken Griffey, Jim Thome and David Eckstein are on it while Craig Biggio, Mike Piazza and Barry Bonds are not.
89. Mike Tyson becomes a priest.
88. Juan Gonzalez comes out of retirement and becomes a middle relieving knuckleballer.
87. Jose Canseco comes out of retirement and beats Danny Bonaducci in their rematch.
86. Detroit is named "America's Most Livable City" for a third year in a row.
85. Takeru Kobayashi becomes a spokesman against bulimia and how it has ruined his life but sets the new world record for eating the most female fertility drugs in 10 minutes.
84. Kobe Bryant's wife admits he is really a transsexual. The world suddenly makes sense.
83. Dane Cook becomes slightly humorous.
82. Rick Tocchet admits he supplied Janet Gretzky with female fertility drugs.
81. Scott Boras decides it's unfair to collect his fee on the money Manny Ramirez lost in his suspension.
80. Osama bin Laden's corpse is found next to cases and cases of female fertility drugs.
79. Paris Hilton wins an Oscar - legitimately.
78. David Wells tries to eat a life-sized gingerbread house but is unable to finish.
77. Anna Kournikova makes a hardcore porn film with Maria Sharapova called "Deuce - Love: Net Play" and I don't bother to at least give it a glance.
76. Bill Simmons wins a WSOP bracelet.
75. Manny Ramirez finds a cure for the Swine Flu, AIDS and Cancer in the same weekend.
74. Terrell Owens repents for his sins, has his vocal cords surgically removed and becomes a Benedictine monk.
73. Alex Rodriguez gets arrested for sexually molesting a fish in his local grocery store.
72. Phil Mickelson admits his man breasts are not the result of steroid abuse but are 100% all natural.
71. Albert Pujols goes his entire career without admitting or getting caught with SOMETHING about - at the very least having "considered using" - steroids or HGH.
70. Arlen Specter admits that well over half of the House of Representatives and 75% of Senators aren't using HGH, steroids or some other enhancing drugs in an attempt for rich people like themselves to improve quality of life, limit fatigue and injuries and for chasing life extension.
69. Sylvester Stallone admits he takes female fertility drugs.
68. Hank Aaron admits he took female fertility drugs.
67. Jennifer Aniston finally has a baby. And it's mine. (The "surprising" part is not that Jennifer Aniston would have sex with me, it's that I've had a vasectomy!)
66. Manny Ramirez admits he has a conjoined twin.
65. Albert Belle admits he took steroids, but only because his psychotherapist said he wasn't angry or crazy enough.
64. Sean Avery realizes his "sloppy seconds" were already sloppy seconds before he got them.
63. Wayne Gretzky suits up for the Toronto Coyotes.
62. Every player in the NBA quits smoking pot.
61. EBay bends its rules and allows George Brett to sell a surgically removed hemorrhoid for charity.
60. Alex Rodriguez gets beaten viciously by Katie Couric.
59. Manny Ramirez wins a Gold Glove.
58. Jason Giambi wins a Gold Glove - at Shortstop.
57. Mark McGwire is here to talk about the past.
56. Pete Rose gets an entire wing dedicated to the game's cheaters built in the Hall of Fame and it's named after him.
55. Manny Ramirez gets breast implants to explain why he was taking female fertility drugs (well, he already has a woman's hairdo).
54. Emmitt Smith gets his own talk show.
53. Kobe Bryant develops his own personality for five minutes.
52. John Kruk admits he has been a long-time cannibal.
51. Charles Barkley turns down a buffet, free drink, a mulligan, and a teaser bet all in the same day.
50. Cal Ripken gets shot twice by Kevin Costner while finally getting "payback"...
49. Manny Ramirez doesn't get busted again.
48. Bo Jackson no longer knows.
47. Manny Ramirez joins Mensa.
46. Randy Johnson wins the Nobel Peace Award for his kindness and humanity with the professional media.
45. The City of Las Vegas decides it would be more profitable if they made gambling illegal and just promoted the town as a family vacation paradise.
44. Jose Canseco admits he got Hepatitis from Madonna but he may have given her Chlamydia if she didn't already have it.
43. Alex Rodriguez is injured while noodling for Flathead Catfish in Oklahoma - with his penis.
42. Michael J. Fox gets his death metal blues album to go platinum the same week Allen Iverson's country album debuts #1.
41. Manny Ramirez gets a brain implant.
40. Hall of Fame voters allow Roberto Alomar into the Hall on one condition: they each get to spit in his face if they voted for him. He becomes the first unanimous selection into the Hall.
39. The moon burns out.
38. Michael Phelps has his picture taken with two homeless men under a bridge while speedballing.
37. Dikembe Mutombo wins a trip to Hollywood on American idol.
36. Manny Ramirez convinces Joe Torre to get a sex change with him (they save $ on the two-for-one deal).
35. General Motors pays back its bailout funding AND turns a profit.
34. A bored George W. Bush buys the Washington Nationals and moves them back to Montreal. Just to stick it to Washington one more time (but not the last!)
33. Derek Jeter voluntarily moves to the outfield and announces publicly "I suck as a shortstop and I just was the last to realize it."
32. The next winner of the Preakness Stakes gets sold as steaks for less than $4.99 a pound.
31. Katie Holmes escapes.
30. President Obama pulls off his mask to reveal he is really Jimmy Carter in disguise as a middle aged half-black man that smokes and states he "didn't mean to accidentally become President again".
29. Hank Aaron admits he was abducted by the same aliens that got gonorrhea from Sammy Sosa in the interview right after jumping his rocketcar over the Grand Canyon.
28. France wins a war.
27. Mark McGwire admits he got gonorrhea from Sammy Sosa, but that he probably returned the favor with a little Hepatitis he got from sharing needles with Jose Canseco.
26. Alex Rodriguez drowns while copulating with a narwhal off the coast of Greenland.
25. Curt Schilling admits he took female fertility drugs. But only when he was trying to get pregnant.
24. Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman's real killer turns himself in (and it's not O.J. Simpson)
23. Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek beat each other to death in a bloody PPV steel cage match.
22. The City of Boston sees another professional sports championship within the next 20 years.
21. The NFL has a Super Bowl halftime show that people WANT to watch.
20. Barry Bonds gets a sex change and comes back as baseball's first female situational middle relief specialist.
19. Coca-Cola decides it would be fun to no longer advertise.
18. Michelle Obama gets his sex change reversed.
17. Brittney Spears travels back in time and saves Princess Diana's life...
16. Milk Marketers change their slogans from "Got Milk?" and "Milk... it does a body good." to "Have you acquired Milk?" and "Milk... it does not always increase acne".
15. Curt Schilling disappears, never to be seen (or blog/heard from) again while trying to travel around the world in 80 days using only his giant, inflated, hot air-filled head.
14. Lawrence Taylor admits he took steroids, was high on coke the entire season of Dancing with the Stars and "honestly was not set up like a mothafackah".
13. Rachel Ray admits that some thing she just cooked "doesn't smell so yummers" and proceeds to puke on the camera.
12. ESPN fires Rachel Nichols and despite retaining Colin Cowherd suddenly becomes a valuable resource for real, knowledgeable sports fans.
11. The Ghost of Babe Ruth dies from steroid abuse.
10. Oprah Winfrey does a Playboy photo spread.
9. Hank Aaron gets a sex change then does a nude photo shoot.
8. Joe Buck admits he gave gonorrhea to Sammy Sosa, but he's not flaming gay... just "regular", Sham-a-lama-ding-dong gay.
7. Ted Williams gets revived from his cryogenic state.
6. Roger Clemens admits he is running for Congress since - given his ability to be a slimy cheat, be a proven scumbag, rape statutorily and lie under oath - he's a perfect candidate. Yet he loses his spot on the ballot because he can't prove he has cheated on his taxes more than once.
5. ArmchairGM members fail to state that "AGM is dead" for a whole consecutive five days!
4. Tim McCarver forever puts down the microphone voluntarily.
3. Bud Selig makes a wise decision.
2. Chuck Norris admits he takes female fertility drugs.
1. Manny Stiles wins a second Pulitzer Prize for his amazing list-making abilities.
