Arguing With Myself -- Sports Edition
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by J Cunningham
If you're familiar with comedian/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham then you'll probably (hopefully) enjoy the following piece. I'm a huge fan of his, finding him to be one of the funniest comedians out there. If you're unfamiliar, be sure to visit Dunham's official website or find clips of his routines on YouTube.
But I suggest going to your local Best Buy and forking over $10 for the Arguing With Myself DVD -- really funny stuff.
That said, I decided to try something new -- this is almost in the same vein as my Incredibly Novel Concepts series, but with a different twist. I'll be taking some of the more prominent sports topics and write about them as if I were having a conversation with one of Dunham's puppets. This is partly an attempt to try something different (and hopefully funny), and partly to expand one of my favorite comedian's audience.
So without further ado, let me get started ... first up, everyone's favorite cranky old guy, Walter.
Walter on Michael Vick and Steroids in Baseball
How ya doin', Walter?
Shut the hell up!
Ah, chipper as always, I see.
You'd be cranky too if you spent half your time folded up in a box! Tell ya, only thing worse is getting checked on at the airport. Baggage guys say they're gonna open the trunk, I think, "Oh, lord ... heeeeeeere we go." Then they open the trunk and I sit up and go, "BOO!" They don't like that.
I see. Well, you've been keeping up with the sports world lately, yes?
Yeeeeeeeeeeeah ... I heard about that Michael Vick guy.
... And?
... Dumbass.
That can't be the only thing you have to say about it.
Well, what the hell you want, a frickin' novel?
Well, I just thought you'd have an opinion on it, since you have a dog at home.
HEY!! Leave my wife out of this!
Sorry, Walter. I just thought ...
That's why I come out and do these things, dumbass! To get away from the misses before she hops on her menstral cycle and runs my ass over!
Yes, I understand, Walter. But surely you have some opinion of the charges against the Falcons quarterback.
... I don't give a damn.
Fair enough. You a football fan?
Oh yeah sure. Love football ... nothing but a buncha men rolling around in the grass going after a piece of dead pig. And half of 'em look like John Kruk.
Now now, you met John Kruk once; he was a very nice guy.
Oh, he was nice, alright ... nice and round. I tell ya, 300 million sperm out there and that's the one that gets through?
Well, at least you can't say Krukie was on steroids.
Humph. Steroids ... not unless they start makin' 'em look like hot dogs and beer cans. I tell ya, back in my day, we had to walk five miles to get our performance-enhancing drugs. Uphill. Both ways.
Sound a bit bitter there, Walter.
I don't give a damn.
Peanut on Bud Selig and NASCAR
Hey, Peanut, how are you?
I'm good I'm good ImgoodImgoodImgooooooooooooooooooooooood!
Well ... good. Glad to be here?
Yes, I am glad to be here in ... ummmm, in ... psst! Where the hell are we?!
What?
We've been so many places lately, I forgot where we are!
We're at ArmchairGM.
... ArmchairGM? What the hell is that?!
It's a website where people can talk about sports. You like sports, don't you?
Oh, yes, I looooooooooooooooove sports. You know what my favorite sports is?
What's that?
Baseball.
Baseball?
Yeah, baseball.
Why baseball?
Because of the commissioner.
Wait ... Bud Selig? You like baseball because of Bud Selig? But he's, like, the worst commissioner in sports -- well, aside from Gary Bettman.
I know! That's the best part! Did you see him when Barry Bonds tied the home run record? He just stood there, looking -- *runs hand over forehead really fast* NNNNNNNNNNNNNNEOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!! He had to be told to stand up!
I know, that's terrible!
No, it's not -- it's frickin' hilarious! Dude's a total puppet! AhahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *HONK!*
Stop it! Alright, let's try another sport. Uhh ... what about NASCAR?
... What about NASCAR?
Well, how do you feel about it?
What the hell?
Let me guess ... nothing more than a bunch of white men driving around for five hours in a circle. "Look, they're making another left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn!"
Nope.
No?
No.
Then what's wrong with it?
Too many frickin' commercials!
But ... it has no more commercials than the next sport.
... Dumbass.
What?
The cars. Really fast commercials! "Hmm, I'm thirsty, what should I have to drink? *NNNNNNNNNNNNNNEOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!* Ah, I'll have a Budweiser!
So, NASCAR's too commercial for you?
Mmhmm.
Okay, let's see what our friend Jose has to say about it.
Jose Jalapeno ... on a Stick and Peanut on ... aww, hell, whatever comes to mind
Hola, Jose.
Hola, Senor.
Why don't you introduce yourself to everyone?
I am Jose Jalapeno ... on a steek.
You have a good time today?
Yes.
No.
Shut up!
Peanut, what did you and Jose do today?
Nothing.
You lie, senor.
SHUT UP!!
Peanut ...
... What?
What did you do with Jose today?
He tried to use me in dee batting cage, senor.
PEANUT!! That's terrible!
*snicker snicker snicker* Yeah, but only cause I couldn't hit the ball ...
Because I wouldn't let heem.
Peanut, I want you to apologize to Jose.
But why?
Because your name's Peanut, not Pacman. Now apologize.
OKAY!!! ... I'm sorry, Jose.
Ees okay. ... I kick ees ass later.
Anything you'd like to say real quick, Jose?
Jose Offerman ees one crazy sunuvabeech. He is not worthy of hees steek.
Would you like to go back in the box?
Ees much nicer in dee box.
Okay.
Don't close dee door!
Why not?
Dee cock-a-roaches!
You've got cockroaches?
One big one! ... ... On a steek.
Well, that about does it for this dose of insanity. Time will only tell whether this experiment made people laugh ... or failed miserably. Either way, enjoy, keep reading and please ... Mr. Dunham, if you find this, don't sue me.
I know where you keep your lotion.
