An Imaginary Phone Call After 756

by Gadzooks

Posted from TheFourthOut.com

[BRRRRINGGG!] Hello?

Hey, is this Al Downing? THE Al Downing?

Wha—... who is this?

It's me, Mike Bacsik, of the Washington Nationals baseball team, you know?

Didn't you guys used to be the Expos?

Huh? That's not why I'm calling. I'm calling you, Al Downing, because I, Mike Bacsik, just gave up Barry Bonds' 756th home run. You know what that means?

Mike, listen, it's 4:38 in the morning. I really think this can wait unt—

That means we – you and me, buddy boy – are going to be a fixture on autograph circuits until we die. Well, until you die because, hell, you're 66 years old. I've got decades left to milk this baby!

Mike, it's not that easy. People are going to mention your name in the same breath as Barry for as long as you're alive.

Yeah, so?

Well, there's a lot of pressure to that. I only won, like, seven or so more games in my career after I gave up 715 to Hank Aaron. It was a rough patch there for a while.

Well, I hear you. Believe me, I hear you, old man. But listen, I'm just a young guy. I've got lots of years left touring the country with whatever team I'm on, and guess who's the big winner here? Me. I'm the big winner. I'm going to be the attraction wherever I go. That's totally awesome, man!

Look, I'm glad you're excited about getting rich off your dubious place in history, but I got some bad news: A-Rod is probably going to break Barry's record in July 2015. He's going to hit 800 home runs and people will hardly remember you after that. You'll be an afterthought, bub.

[Long pause. Deep sigh.] Oh. [Pause.] Yikes.

Yeah. Not so cool now, is it, young man?

Well, I guess I better gets busy, then. I can rake in a cool mil or two before the madness dies. Maybe a tell-all book about what it was like to serve up history to one Mr. Barry Lamar Bonds! It'll be a bestseller! Oh, boy. Well, I gotta get back to sleep, young man. Take care of yourself, and feel free to call me – during the daytime, please – if you ever want to chat again.

Cool, pops. Will do. One last question, though.

Yup?

What are these Expos you mentioned?