A few predictions for 2007
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by user Phoenix Superfan
January
Despite finishing the season 7-9 the New York Giants make the playoffs anyway in the dismal NFC. Tiki Barber complains that this is going to interfere with his plans to be a studio host for FOX during the playoffs, but since he is a team guy he will play anyway. He is later suspended from the game for only being four minutes early to one of Tom Coughlin’s meetings after getting held up late at an audition for Dancing with the Stars.
An anonymous source leaks out information that Mark McGwire did not receive the votes necessary to be elected to the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. In other news, Chargers Linebacker Shawne Merriman is named the NFL’s Defensive Player of the Year.
February
In a shocking rematch, Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys meet up with Vince Young and the Tennessee Titans in the Superbowl. Late in the second quarter with Tennessee down 28-0 Albert Haynesworth blows out his ACL stomping on Romo’s face. Drew Bledsoe enters the game and throws 4 interceptions while Young leads Tennessee back to an astonishing victory. Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood announce that they will not be seen in public with the mangled Romo and that they are going to Disneyland, with Vince Young. Bill Parcells spends the off season choking on his own bile.
Mike Tyson starts another barnstorming tour, except this time he takes the term a little too literally and announces that he is going to start slaughtering pigs with his bare hands. The Spike Network picks it up and adds segments with John Rocker throwing baseballs at chickens, Joey Porter’s dogs killing cattle, and Latrell Sprewell milking cows. Sadly, it gets better ratings than the NHL All-Star Game.
Tony Stewart wins the Daytona 500, and in his tradition, that he ripped off from Helio Castroneves, he scales the fence in celebration. Just as he gets to the top he slips and falls 30 feet back down onto the track breaking both of his legs. He misses the rest of the season. On the bright side, he finally gets to make use of all those free Redskins tickets he’s been getting.
March
Duke becomes the first #1 seed to ever lose to a #16 seed in the NCAA Tournament getting knocked off by Binghamton. For the next four weeks Mike Krzyzewski reminds us that American Express is his card.
Vince Young announces that Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood are both pregnant with his kids and that he is going to name them Matt and Reggie.
Barry Bonds reports to training camp, except this year instead of Paula Abdul he is dressed as Randy Jackson, before weight loss surgery. He also brings his dog pound along with him, the pit bulls that were confiscated from Tank Johnson.
April
A suicide note is posted on the website tonyhomo.com. The following day Drew Bledsoe is found dead in a hotel room surrounded by photos of Tom Brady, Tony Romo and a small spiral notebook with the words “laces out” scribbled on every page. Terrell Owens goes on record saying that the Cowboys would have been better off with Brett Favre and “I wasn’t the one who got his face stomped in the Superbowl.” The following day Bill Parcells states that “the wide receiver” won’t be back with the Cowboys next year.
A 150 pound Mark McGwire qualifies for the Masters, but is disqualified after the opening round at Augusta when he refuses to sign his scorecard.
May
Tank Johnson finally decides to live up to his name and goes tearing through the streets of downtown Chicago, in a tank. President Bush says that he will not rest until Tank Johnson is found. Bears Coach Lovie Smith announces that Tank Johnson is “really” on thin ice with the Bears now. Johnson is never found after he spends the next few months hiding in a remote cave, The United Center during Blackhawk’s games.
Ed Carpenter’s engine blows up early on in the Indianapolis 500. After the race it is discovered that Danica Patrick had stuffed a tampon into his exhaust pipe.
Kobe Bryant scores 101 points in Game 7 as the Lakers upset Phoenix in the second round of the Western Conference playoffs. After the series Steve Nash says that he doesn’t think the Suns ever got used to the old ball again. Meanwhile in the Eastern Conference Gilbert Arenas is averaging 60 points a game for the Wizards. Hibachi sales skyrocket.
June
The Lakers and Wizards meet for the NBA Championship, but before the series Kobe Bryant announces that he is going to stop trying to score. Amazingly, the Lakers sweep the Wizards in four games without Kobe Bryant scoring a single point. He instead plays stifling defense and holds Arenas scoreless for the series as well. At the post game press conference Bryant says, “I don’t think Gilbert Arenas was conscious.” A few months later Phil Jackson comes out with a memoir entitled “The Last Reason,” in which he reveals that Kobe Bryant has become much more coachable since he started smoking weed with Lamar Odom.
Ben Roethlisberger is visiting troops over in Iraq when a building that he is in gets blown up. He suffers a concussion and a couple of broken ribs but otherwise feels like he should be good to go by the start of training camp.
Anaheim defeats Atlanta in the Stanley Cup Finals. The following day Canada declares war on the US. Two days later the 2007-2008 NHL Season begins and Canada forgets all about the war. Molson stock doubles.
July
Reigning hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi withdraws from the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at the last minute after learning that Charles Barkley and John Daly plan on entering. He changes his mind and gives it a go after all when he finds out that they have a bet going.
The Arizona Cardinals announce that they are going to play all of their 2007 home games with the field rolled out.
After he can’t find an NFL team willing to sign him Terrell Owens decides to join Ricky Williams on the Toronto Argonauts. After practice Williams asks Owens if he knows where to score any Vicodin.
August
Ken Griffey Jr. tears his hamstring playing basketball in his driveway with Grant Hill and misses the rest of the season.
ESPN’s NASCAR coverage hits a bump in the road when they don’t realize that the race at Bristol is actually in Tennessee.
Brett Favre announces that he is coming back for one more season. The Packers tell him thanks but no thanks, and that they are bringing in Ryan Leaf in an effort to cut down on interceptions. Favre decides to join the Toronto Argonauts, and Terrell Owens immediately announces that they would be better off with Doug Flutie. After practice Favre asks Owens if he knows where to score any Vicodin.
September
Terrell Owens’ children’s book “Little T Learns to Share” becomes a bestseller in Canada. However, unhappy with the exchange rate of the Canadian Dollar Drew Rosenhaus threatens to take Owens to the English Premier League if Canada doesn’t do something to strengthen its economy. Owens gets deported back to the US and spends the following day kicking soccer balls against his garage door surrounded by 400 reporters and camera crews. Rosenhaus has no comment. Owens says that Brett Favre is gay.
Barry Bonds hits his 754th home run with 10 games left to play in the season and the Giants 1 game ahead of the Dodgers in the NL West. He then announces that he is taking the rest of the year off, explaining, “no one thinks I am as big of an asshole as Terrell Owens anymore.” He unleashes his “dog pound” on the media and hops into a get away car driven by Greg Anderson.
Tiki Barber joins the Sunday Night Football crew alongside John Madden and Al Michaels. Upset that Owens sold more books than him Barber decides to start reading his own children’s book “Game Day” on the air during the fourth quarter of a blow out. Madden starts making sound effects like “boom” and shows us what’s going on in the story with the telestrator. Michaels doesn’t notice and continues to make comments like, “Oakland is down by 28 late in the fourth quarter, if they don’t get something going here they are really in trouble.
$112 million man Barry Zito starts all three games of the Giants season ending series at Los Angeles. The Giants sweep the Dodgers to win the division but Zito has to have Tommy John surgery the following day. Barry Bonds says that it really hurt his feelings that the Giants would sign another player named Barry.
October
NBA Commissioner David Stern announces that since the composite leather ball didn’t work out so well that the league would instead switch to composite leather shoes. The players complain to no avail until Stern finally relents halfway through the season after a string of shoe related ankle injuries. Nike stock triples as teams scramble to switch back to the old shoe and Michael Jordan surpasses Bill Gates as the richest man in the world. After the switch back, Steve Nash quips, “I don’t think Peyton Manning and Tom Brady would appreciate having to play in Stiletto Heels.”
The Yankees get eliminated in the first round of the playoffs by Oakland making for a 7th consecutive season without a championship for the big spending Bronx Bombers. ESPN spends the next two weeks speculating that Joe Torre and/or Brian Cashman is about to get fired. George Steinbrenner finally announces that they are both coming back, again. The following day they are photographed leaving a bath house with Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez.
With Bonds back for the playoffs, since the stats don’t count, and well rested the Giants cruise through the National League Playoffs and meet up with the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. Despite Bonds homering 12 times in the first 6 games of the World Series it is deadlocked 3-3 with Game 7 in Detroit. After the game Bonds is photographed leaving the stadium with Barbaro’s doctor. Later that night, he is caught in his hotel room eating sheep testicles and doing lines of rhino horn powder. Bud Selig immediately announces a 50 game suspension. Without Bonds the Giants are down 4 runs going into the 8th inning. Joel Zumaya commits 4 throwing errors and throws 5 wild pitches in 1/3 of an inning costing Detroit yet another World Series. He later says that he had been up all night playing the Legend of Zelda on Nintendo Wii.
November
Dale Earnhardt Jr. takes the checkered flag at Miami-Homestead and wins his first Nextel Cup Championship. In victory lane he announces, now that he has won a championship he is quitting NASCAR and he hopes his step-mother Theresa rots in hell. Even more shockingly he admits that he hates Budweiser, ripping off his fire suit to reveal a Miller Genuine Draft t-shirt underneath. Miller stock doubles.
As the NBA season gets underway Ron Artest realizes that it has been a long time since he did something really stupid. Two weeks later he releases new CD entitled, “I Got Big Balls Cause I’m a Sac’ King”
December
Heading down the stretch in the NFL the Carolina Panther are 15-0 and threatening the Miami Dolphins record perfect season when starting quarterback Jake Delhomme gets injured. The Panthers are forced to turn to Chris Weinke who promptly injures himself running off the field so that the Panthers can do a direct snap to a running back. Julius Peppers comes in at quarterback and plays well. Unfortunately, he tears his Achilles Tendon, running for the game winning touchdown. Carolina finishes 15-0 but gets clobbered in the first round of the playoffs with emergency replacement Jeff George at quarterback.
After getting off to an 0-25 start the Knicks finally fire Isiah Thomas. The following day NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman retires and hands over the reigns to Thomas sighting his experience in guiding inept organizations. Two weeks later the NHL folds. Canada again declares war on the US. Two days later curling season begins and Canada forgets all about the war. Molson stock doubles.
