A Sincere Joey Porter Apology!
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by user LastRow
Given that it’s the holiday season, I would like to take this opportunity to reach out to all the individuals who I’ve ripped in my Sports ScuttleButt since going live with LastRowSports.com. I’d like to send out my sincerest apologizes to everybody that may have been offended through my choice of words…"I didn't mean to offend anybody but Kellen Winslow, [or for that matter the countless of other people who’ve appeared in my Scuttle.]" Sometimes after I press the keys on the keyboard to type my thoughts I realize that sometimes I may use “a poor choice of words in the comment I made towards” these complete dumbasses….See there I go again. If I offended anybody, I apologize for that."
Now I know I have on countless occasions have ridiculed these athletes, calling them “a derogatory name or two and saying that they’re too soft” among other things. The reason for my sincerest apologizes to those who may have gotten offended from sitting in the LastRow with me is simple. I want to show Santa Claus that I have behaved well perched high atop in the LastRow! I’d like nothing more than to have him climb those endless amounts of steps to deliver my presents to me! Don’t worry big guy, I know you’re fat and out of shape, not to mention a fake…But nevertheless I will have an oxygen tank on standby with your name written all over it when you reach the top stair! See, now if I was truly a SOB I would pull what the Indianapolis Colts did to Steve Entman years ago down in Miami…After he ran 90 yards or so to return an interception for a touchdown in the final seconds, upon returning to the bench for some high quality oxygen, comes to find out the tanks had been shut off! Is there anything worse than watching a fat guy gasp for air? So don’t worry Santa, I’ve got your back!
I just hope Santa doesn’t fine me for all the derogatory things I have said over the past months! You know Santa is always watching you…Every move you make, he knows about it! Isn’t that almost like a deep, deep, deep cavity search? I guess if I get a lump of coal, I guess I know my answer! I know sometimes I use the term “Homosexual”, which some people find “derogatory” to describe some of my prey, but again I’ve never meant “to offend anybody but Kellen Winslow, [or for that matter the countless of other people who’ve appeared in my Scuttle."] Honestly, it’s not like I’m sorry I say what I say, because I mean every word of this, although sometimes I step over the line!
I recognize all of this and that’s a very serious problem I have. Sometimes I just lose total control sitting in front of a keyboard! That’s why everybody will/should be happy to come the first of the year I’m checking myself in to the Joey Porter Apology Rehab Center! Yes, I’m taking the first step to try and help better the situation! Now from what I hear, they put you through extreme hell! Although going in, I fully understand the challenge that awaits for me! Why if Joey can show remorse for the things he says about Kellen Winslow, why can’t I do the same things? It looks like my days of “Homosexual” references in my Sports ScuttleButt, not to mention everything else I’ve said in between, are numbered! Although I must say about dear ole Kellen, “He's weak, he's soft. He should move to wide receiver because he doesn't want to block anybody, he doesn't want to be a tight end." Not to mention he makes for a better speed bump in an empty parking lot, than he does a “motorcyclist”!
Disclaimer: This is not a joke! Wish me luck!
Vote in LastRowSports.com Pick’em Poll this week which Florida/Ohio State matchup would be a more enjoyable watch? By not voting in this non-scientific poll we’ll assume that you would rather give a cat a bath!
