5 reasons why the Cubs won't make the playoffs

_________________ OH, HOW MUCH IT MUST SUCK BEING A CUBBY 5 reason why the Chicago Cubs won't make the playoffs The Chicago Cubs beat the Giants last night 3-2 to stay unbeaten in the adolescent stages of the second half of the year. More impressively though, the Cubbies have won 16-of-20 games since losing 2-of-3 to the Rangers in the middle of June. After a 6-5 loss to Texas on June 21, the Cubs were six games under .500, and were trailing the mighty Brewers by 8.5 games in the National League central. Since then, Chicago has slowly, but surely, nibbled at that lead and are currently just 3.5 games behind the slumping Brewers. [1] What does this all mean? ESPN recently threw up a poll that asked Americans what the fate of Chicago will be at the close of the 2007 season. Here are the results...

Miss Playoffs 47% NL Wild Card 18% NL Central Champs 19% NL Champions 4% World Series Champ 13%

Now the funny thing, 49 states voted missed the playoffs. But one state voted win the World Series. Now, I respect the optimism. But there's a fine line between optimism and stupidity. I'm not saying that Cubs' fans are stupid. I'm just saying they're amusingly foolish.

So for all you Cubs fans, here are 5 reasons why the Cubs won't make the playoffs.

5. Lou Pinella is fat I know most of you are probably saying, "What the hell does that have to do with a team making the playoffs?" Well, a lot actually. The fatness of Lou Pinella will eventually burrow itself inside each and every Cubs player. As we get closer to October, the Cubs' players will gradually begin to doubt the largest consumer of deep-dish pizza. Why, you ask? W [2] hen Pinella orders Soriano to do something, Alfonso considers two things. One being, how funny Lou looks in a uniform. And two being, why should I listen to him, he's fat. What could he possibly know?

Eventually, the vision of winning will become uncomfortably hazy in the clubhouse.

4. They haven't played anyone during their hot-streak As I said earlier, the Cubs have won 16-of-20 games since losing to the Rangers on June 21. The problem with that is the teams they played during that stretch are comparable to a dry hand job. During their hot streak, Chicago has played the White Sox (41-50), Rockies (46-46), Brewers (52-40), Nationals (38-54), Pirates (40-52), Astros (39-54), and the Giants (38-52). Together, those six opponents combine for a plaintive 294-348 record. And, there's maybe, one playoff team. You can say "a wins a win", but unless you're a 3rd grade tee-ball coach, you know that's not true. The Pirates, Nationals and Astros are terrible. Just terrible. An overweight drunk on opium could win 16-of-20 if they got hot against those teams. It's just nature.

3. They gave Ted Lilly $40 million dollars I know Ted Lilly is 9-4. And yes, I'm aware he has a 3.51 ERA. But even a homeless coke-head has his good days. Sooner or later, Ted Lilly will come back to reality. Eventually, the Ted Lilly that struggled to keep his ERA under four will resurrect, no matter what Cubs fans say. Remember, Cubs fans are 0-108 in picking World Series champions. What comes out of a Cubs' fans mouth is just as insubstantial as World Lit I. was to Kevin Durant. Ted Lilly hasn't finished a season with an ERA under four since 2002. And you give him $40 million! This will bite the Cubs in the ass whether they want to believe it or not. [3]

2. Steve Bartman put on 150 lbs. of solid muscle thePigPen investigators scored an inside interview with Steve Bartman. We aren't supposed to leak this information, but since we love our readers, we decided to let them in on a little secret. Apparently, Bartman has been working out with Mr. Universe seven days a week, bulking up for one reason. Revenge. What used to be a 5'10, 165-pound man with glasses, is now an intimidating 5'10, 320-pound animal who eats middle-aged Asian kids because he likes the taste. His goal is to return to Chicago and sabotage the team who ruined his life. The Chicago Cubs. Beware Cubs fans. Beware.

1. It's the friggin' Cubs I know most of you are going to consider this a cop out. But let me tell you why it's not. They are the fucking Cubs. And like the old saying goes, "When you are making a list of 5 reasons why the Cubs won't make the playoffs, it's OK to put the Cubs' as your No. 1." Or something to that effect.

What a cop out.

Peace

thePigPen

http://thesportspen.com

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InsanMajor Leaguer

866 days ago

Score 2

The problem with a lot of your articles is that you're funny but then you go serious, and then back to funny. Keep it funny or keep it serious, it doesn't work when you go back and forth.

On reason #2 (which I'm assuming is the serious part), you mention Ted Lilly has never had an ERA under 4 since 2002. That's because he played in the AL East. Now he plays for the NL Central and no disrespect to the NL Central, but they are nowhere near as good as the AL East.

Also, if some guy named Cory Redding can make over 40 mil in the NFL, prompting everyone to ask, "Who the f--- is Cory Redding?", Ted Lilly can definitely make 40 mil in the MLB.

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JuTMSY4Legend

866 days ago

Score 0

Gil Meche anyone?

5 reasons why the Cubs won't make the playoffs

Deep-dish Illusion

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