2006 NFL Predictions-NostraDanus Style
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by user VirgCavs21
NOSTRADANUS PRESENTS . . . HIS 2006-07 NFL PREDICTIONS
Please Note: I went through the entire NFL schedule, all 256 regular season games, in order to devise the records you see before you. Even check my math, if you want. The two I feel weirdest about are Detroit, who I have at 10-6 (and missing the wildcard due to a complex tiebreaker), and Washington, who are somehow at 3-13. I know the preseason is for fools, but Washington seems like too-injured a team to do any significant damage this year. If Jason Campbell were starting, I might feel differently about them. Brunell is done and Portis is hurt, in a nutshell. That defense won’t be able to hold up, if they are constantly on the field. Have a nice read!
AFC EAST Miami 12-4 Comment: Daunte will be healthy and Saban will be Belichick-ian. N. Eng. 11-5 (WC) Comment: Problems at LB will devastate the D. Holy Maroney! Buffalo 6-10 Comment: They’ll be slightly better. Spikes helps, but not enough. NY Jets 3-13 Comment: Horrible offense, pretty good D. They’ll be in games.
AFC NORTH Cincinnati 12-4 Comment: Team Alcatraz is like ‘80s Bengals. Good-n-troubled. Baltimore 9-7 Comment: The O will be better, oh, but that aging D. Bye, Bri! Cleveland 7-9 Comment: They’ll be the surprise until they lose their last four. Pittsburgh 7-9 Comment: Tasted victory and have lost their drive. Injury bug!
AFC SOUTH Indianapolis 12-4 Comment: They’ll lose home-field w/ Xmas Eve loss to Miami. Jacksonville 9-7 Comment: Not enough O to go w/ stellar D. Tougher sched, too. Houston 7-9 Comment: A vast improvement; just wait until next year! Tennessee 2-14 Comment: Fisher will be ousted & hired in Pitt. The ‘stache lives!
AFC WEST Denver 12-4 Comment: Cutler at QB after Jake trips over his beard. San Diego 11-5 (WC) Comment: Michael Turner could be this year’s LJ if LT goes out. Kansas City 10-6 Comment: They’ll lose out again. Get receivers and young DB’s! Oakland 2-14 Comment: Favre will be a Raider next year. Is there any doubt?
AFC PLAYOFFS Wildcard Cincy (3 seed) 38 New England (6) 34 This will be just too unstoppable an offense for the Pats to stop on the road. Just watch all the shootouts this year, Patriots fans! San Diego (5) 31 Indy (4) 30 The Chargers have proven they can win in Indy before, and I don’t anticipate too much of a drop-off with Rivers (when compared to Brees). One concern: will Foley’s drunken gunshot fiasco deplete the Chargers’ linebacking corps to the point of no playoffs?
Divisional San Diego 30 Denver 27 Ten years after they lost by the same score, at home to the upstart Jags, Denver just can’t get over the hump. I was really serious about Turner if he gets the opportunity. You never know . . . Tomlinson’s been so reliable, but he has so many touches in five years that the injury clock is ticking against him. This game will be decided by whichever young QB makes the key play or mistake. How’s that for a generic, Paul Maguire-esque analysis. And, by the way, I do expect Cutler to be the QB at some point this year. Shanahan’s not averse to going with the hot hand. Cincy 35 Miami 21 This AFC playoffs reminds me of my youth (circa 1982) when all these high-scoring juggernauts (Bengals, Chargers, etc.) were going up and down the field in riveting, intense action. In baseball, I’m a purist and appreciate the pitching duel. In football, however, the more points the better, and I just think the Bengals have too many weapons for an older defense to contain.
Championship Cincinnati 42 San Diego 34 Anderson over Fouts! Yes, this is 1982. This Rivers can’t run through the River City, as all glory rides have to come to an end sometime. With a top-three QB, a top-six RB, a top-two WR and a cast of thousands, Cincinnati is stacked on offense. Marvin Lewis has that defense creating just enough turnovers to mask their myriad weaknesses. Super Bowl, here they come. Fathers, please lock up your daughters, as Chris Henry’s in town!
NFC EAST Philadelphia 11-5 Comment: Nice D and decent receivers. They’re back. NY Giants 10-6 (WC) Comment: Just can’t trust Ecry in playoffs. Long live Tiki! Dallas 9-7 Comment: Pick a back, Fatty! Good defense, but Drew? Washington 3-13 Comment: Maybe a lil’ low; go back to NASCAR, Joe.
NFC NORTH Chicago 10-6 Comment: What did T. Jones do wrong? 1335 yds, 9 TDs! Detroit 10-6 Comment: Martz Factor, or am I just a sucker like Millen? Minnesota 9-7 Comment: They would cruise to title if they had WR’s. Green Bay 3-13 Comment: Beloved Pack may get 1st pick. It’s getting bad!
NFC SOUTH Carolina 11-5 Comment: I take this all back if Smith’s not in the attack. Tampa Bay 10-6 (WC) Comment: I’m riding Simms/Kitna to fantasy gold! Atlanta 7-9 Comment: Seems like fewer Vicktories each year. Schaub? New Orleans 4-12 Comment: Bush is nice, but their D resembles those levees.
NFC WEST Seattle 11-5 Comment: Not sold on receivers, but look at the division. San Francisco 6-10 Comment: This offense could be a sleeper; not D, though. Arizona 6-10 Comment: Fitzy and Anquan & pray for rain. Oh, its desert. St. Louis 4-12 Comment: Bulger plays eight as always, then it’s Frerotte.
NFC PLAYOFFS Wildcard Philly (3) 27 Tampa Bay (6) 13 There’s something about this Philly team that makes me think they will be playing with a collective fire this year. McNabb will be really good, but I think that defense should jell behind a vocal Jeremiah Trotter. Tampa will run out of steam, as the Caddy will break down against a fierce front-seven. It will be exacerbated by Simms’s inability to throw to his wideouts, who won’t be able to gain enough separation against Philly’s young and improving corners. Chicago (4) 20 NY Giants (5) 6 A Manning against a ravenous defense in the playoffs . . . is there ever a safer bet in gambling? Two defensive scores for the Bears, one by rookie Danieal (yes, I think I spelled it right) Manning, as they roll at home. Come on, Accorsi, do the right thing. Trade Barber to my Pack (with your number two) for a top-four pick. Pleassssssssssseee!
Divisional Carolina 26 Chicago 17 Smith killed them last year, so you’d think the Bears’ staff would be smart enough to devise a way to handcuff him this year. Yeah, you’d think so, but you’d also have to surmise that they’d be intelligent enough to see that Rex Grossman is just a man (?) with freakily-sculpted eyebrows. He’s not a starting NFL quarterback for a contending team. What has he ever done to deserve the acclaim and status with which he has been rewarded? Was it the thoroughly mediocre college career, or was it the four touchdown passes in his first three YEARS of NFL “play”? Lovie, start Brian Griese and Thomas Jones. Case closed! Philly 23 Seattle 22 The magical ride back to the Super Bowl continues as Shaun Alexander fumbles, at the one-foot line, on a controversial call, with just over two minutes remaining. Holmgren has already used, and of course, lost, his requisite challenges, so a booth review is out of the question. Philly eventually takes a safety because they are so backed up, but hold on for the victory, after Josh Brown’s 64-yard field goal bounces off the crossbar.
Championship Philadelphia 16 Carolina 14 This is the team that has physical enough corners to frustrate Steve Smith and possibly cause him to lose focus. He is a borderline psychopath, after all. Philadelphia has just enough veteran savvy to win a tough contest like this on the road. Also, I don’t trust Delhomme to come through in situations like this, because the dolty Louisianan is too Favre-like to accept what the defense is giving him. His attempts to be Super Jake will not lead to a Super Bowl for the Panthers this year. I do like DeAngelo Williams a lot this year, though, but you know the vaunted defensive line won’t make it through the year unscathed. They never do!
SUPER BOWL Philadelphia 37 Cincinnati 34 This would be an exciting occurrence because the Eagles have become the Bills/Vikings/Old Broncos of the 2000s (last year excluded). They are almost perennially in the mix for the NFC Championship and/or Super Bowl, and they have done it with the same quarterback and coach who have been brandished, whether fairly or not, with the choker tag. Let’s face it . . . if you know me at all, you know I can’t, in good conscience, pick the Bengals to win it. Too many incidents of wife/girlfriend beaters causes my morals clause to be enacted. I’m not going to say the Eagles are perfect, as they may just be better at hiding their transgressions. Also, the media may be complicit in this, as well. How many times did you hear about the McNabb handicapped parking sticker scandal? Not enough, if you ask me. It just seems that Marvin Lewis has made a deal with the devil in order to field a supremely talented team. At first, when I thought about this, I didn’t even put the Bengals in the playoffs, but then I remembered the Dallas Cowboys and Minnesota Vikings of the ‘90s. Unfortunately, the Cowboys won far too often for my tastes, but the Vikings did meet their maker in the playoffs, and the result was often not pretty. I would hope that nothing tragic would happen to Palmer, along the lines of last year’s devastating injury, but I have to think that this team will lose the Super Bowl on some kind of monumental blunder. How’s this? Chad Johnson ties the game (pending the extra point) with an outrageous 33-yard run after catch. Unfortunately, he can’t stop his egomania from taking over, and he launches into a banned celebration. This tacks a 15-yard penalty onto the kickoff. Philadelphia uses this to return the ball all the way to the fifty with three seconds remaining. Rather than try a ludicrous 67-yarder, Reid decides a McNabb Hail Mary is the best option. Well, even though the pass is broken up at the five, the prayer apparently is answered as Frostee Rucker pretends McNabb is his girlfriend and throws him down like a rag doll, well after the pass has been released. This results in another fifteen-yard penalty and David Akers kicks a 52-yarder right through the uprights, with no time remaining on the clock. Philadelphia wins the Super Bowl, and Cincinnati has all off-season to reconsider their thuggish approach.
This has been NostraDanus. Thanks for reading!
If you liked this opus, please consider War and Peace. It’s shorter.
Date
Thu 09/07/06, 5:03 pm EST
