2006 NFL Capsules: Introduction ("NFL at the Movies")
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by user Davis21wylie
| 2006 NFL Capsules | |
| Introduction | |
| NFC East | |
| NFC North | |
| NFC South | |
| NFC West | |
| AFC East | |
| AFC North | |
| AFC South | |
| AFC West | |
| Overview | |
Miami, The Gateway of the Americas. That's the destination all 32 NFL franchises currently have their eyes on, because on February 4, 2007, the city will play host to every team's dream winter getaway -- Super Bowl XLI. It will take a lot to spend February in Florida, though: a tough defense, a smart QB, and, increasingly, prime-time playmakers like Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu, both of whom Pittsburgh rode all the way to the hardware a year ago. So now the question becomes, Does your team have what it takes to party in South Beach? And the NFL's trademark parity tells us that, unless "your team" happens to be the 49ers or Bills, the answer just might be "yes". We all know what the Steelers did last February... Now it's time for them to defend the crown. And there's no room for letting up, because only the best will book their flight to Miami next winter. Are you ready for the NFL? I know I am!
Now it's time to shift our focus to Hollywood, for Summer is the time of the blockbuster, the season of Spider-Man, Stallone, and even Samuel L. Jackson. Yet this NFL offseason has offered up more than its share of drama and intrigue as well, whether it be QB controversies, player-coach discord, or bitter sniping in the press. So in the spirit that makes Hollywood great, I decided to mix the NFL and the, um, MPAA, serving up the best you-couldn't-make-it-up moments of the offseason and the 2006 season -- big-screen-style...
(That's right, a Top 11 List. Get over it.)
11. Will Michael Vick Stay Classy?
Okay, so the whole "Ron Mexico" thing is hopelessly old news, but Vick's continuing struggle with the West Coast Offense is an ongoing development. The freewheeling and scary-talented Vick still has the capability to take over entire games with his cannon arm and blazing speed, but his accuracy and decision-making still leave much to be desired. Atlanta has been working with him on the finer points of quarterbacking, and he says his knee (which he injured vs. Minnesota in Week 4, causing him to play through pain all season) is completely healed. But, the team has resisted dealing Matt Schaub, knowing that #7 is just one wild scramble away from a catastrophic injury. Will he stay classy in '06? That's anybody's guess.
But, frankly, the Vick paragraph was just an excuse to run this movie poster:
(I can't take credit for this, by the way -- it's entirely the brainchild of the always-entertaining Jason Beattie)
10. The Ricky Williams Saga Continues
Ricky Williams had no sooner returned from his NFL-imposed weed exile (and rushed for 4.4 ypc in 2005) than he was busted for another marijuana violation. Now he'll miss the entire '06 season, leaving Miami with a Ricky-sized hole in their roster. Now, maybe Ronnie Brown plays better as the unquestioned starter next season, but what if he doesn't? All the progress the Fins made at the end of last season will have been wasted, simply because of Williams' drug habit.
Instead of getting high again and signing with the Argonauts, Ricky should have just said no to drugs -- by fighting them on the streets! Imagine what a pair Williams and fellow RB Jamal Lewis would make as Miami drug officers investigating the disappearance of millions of dollars of heroin from their secure vault. I mean, between the two of them they already know where all the drugs are anyway... Move over, Martin Lawrence!
9. Jake Plummer Goes Road Ragin'
This past April, the Broncos' QB allegedly cut someone off in traffic, and then kicked and backed into another motorist's vehicle in an act of road rage. Even funnier, though, is the description of Plummer by the "other motorist":
- The pickup driver, Douglas Stone, 47, of Denver told police he had honked at the Honda when it was cutting in front of other vehicles.
- "I thought it was some 19- or 20-year-old kid driving a car that his dad gave him, and maybe he needed to be talked to by his dad," Stone told The Associated Press in a phone interview, describing the driver as clean-shaven with hair past his ears. "It's not the Jake Plummer you see on TV, after he's taken a shower and has that shaggy beard."
- "He was kind of a small, skinny guy. By the way he looks, he's not built like a football player," the 6-foot-3, 260-pound Stone said.
What? He's not sporting the beard anymore? Now how am I going to take the name of Grizzly Adams in vain during a football-related conversation?
Anyway, I thought I'd be funny if Plummer raged similarly on a plane, and Samuel L. Jackson was an FBI agent on board:
8. Matt Leinart Finally Makes The Show
A year too late's better than not at all, right, Matt? At any rate, this fall we'll finally find out whether Leinart was an over-hyped product of the recent USC "dynasty", or a future All-Pro. I'm guessing the latter, personally.
A sidenote is that Leinart's going to learn the QB position under squeaky-clean Kurt Warner out in 'Zona. I thought it would be funny if Warner wasn't squeaky-clean at all in reality, and Leinart learned it the hard way out on the streets:
7. McNabb: Back With A McVengeance
Okay, so technically Donovan McNabb didn't actually go anywhere, but we can all agree he definitely wasn't himself last year. Between Terrell Owens' antics and accusations, and a painful sports hernia, McNabb missed seven games and turned in his worst performance as a pro in 2005. I have a feeling he'll be back and on a mission in '06, though, even if his receivers are crap. Do I smell an Oscar? Oh, wait, that's my Hot Pockets burning. Sorry.
6. Steve McNair's Bizarre Feud With The Titans
One of the weirdest stories of the offseason was the news that the Tennessee Titans had asked Steve McNair, the face of the franchise for a decade, to do his offseason training somewhere other than the team's workout facility, for fear that he would injure himself and that his sizable salary would count against their salary cap space. Then, they unceremoniously traded McNair to Baltimore for a 4th-round pick. I have a feeling that McNair still has a few years left in the tank, though, and while I understand the motivation behind the Titans' behavior, the way they handled it was cold. Here's hoping Steve and the Ravens torch Tennessee on November 12, when McNair returns to Nashville for the first time since the incident...
5. Who Will Suck The Most In '06?
While parity rules the day in the salary cap-era NFL, it is still possible for a team to really suck if they try hard enough. Take, for instance, last year's 49ers, who had to stage a late-season surge just to finish 4-12. And unless Alex Smith suddenly begins to understand the intricacies of the pro game (not likely), there's more where that came from in 2006. Then there are the Bills, whose three-headed QB platoon of J.P. Losman, Craig Nall, and Kelly Holcomb is sure to strike fear into the hearts of approximately no one. The Jets are an interesting case, because they were good until Chad Pennington had the nerve to blow out his arm and Curtis Martin had the nerve to get old. The Saints picked up Drew Brees and Reggie Bush, but the odds are they'll still suck. The Lions -- ah, screw it, this is depressing. Here's a movie poster about likely 2007 No. 1 Brady Quinn and the sh*tty teams that might pick him. Ugh...
4. Roethlisberger's Wild Ride
It must be fun to be Ben Roethlisberger. He can say he's the Super Bowl-winning QB, despite playing horribly in the actual Super Bowl (broke the plane my ass!), he already has an impersonator (who looks nothing like him), and he received more national attention last month, when he took a spill while riding his motorcycle sans helmet. Enough true things have been written about the incident, so instead I'll make stuff up about it: It all started a couple of years ago, when Big Ben was just a rookie -- Little Ben, I guess. He caught motorcycle fever that crazy summer, riding across the country with Dennis Hopper and that guy from "Escape from L.A."... They were looking for America, but they couldn't find it anywhere. Instead, Ben came to Pittsburgh, and led them to 14 straight wins and a Super Bowl the next year. So he's earned the right to ride without a helmet. Because he can't play by your rules, man!
3. Terrell Owens. Bill Parcells. Need We Say More?
Terrell Owens signed with Dallas, instantly making them the most dysfunctional franchise in sports. While some have questioned the move, I think everything will turn out just fine...
2. Houston's, Um, Head-Scratcher
Mario Williams? WTF?
1. Kick It Off Already!
Now thatˡs a movie I can really enjoy!
Well, that's the introduction. At the top-right of this page is a box that will allow you to navigate to the capsules for each of the NFL's eight divisions. The NFC Previews are up, but the AFC is still on it's way. Until then, you've been a great audience. Enjoy Rocky and the Riddlers.
Date
Thu 07/06/06, 7:02 pm EST
