100 Fearless Predictions for the 2007 NFL Season
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The 2007 NFL football season will rapidly be upon us. Which team (of course the Chicago Bears!) will win the Super Bowl? Who really knows but these are the top 100 rock solid predictions that will be realized this season.
Enjoy and comment!
100. Norv Turner the Head Coach will systematically destroy his earlier work as the San Diego Chargers' Offensive Coordinator.
99. Seattle will conduct a referendum to determine once and for all if it belongs to the AFC or NFC.
98. Aaron Rodgers impressive consecutive games benched streak will continue undisturbed for the next 16 games.
97. The cameras will catch John Madden cleaning out his ear with a turducken drumstick on live national television.
96. Joe Namath will continue to stalk the Jets sidelines desperately seeking Suzy Kolber.
95. Jon Kitna’s bold season prediction for the Detroit Lions will fall about 4 or 5 wins short.
94. Nevertheless GM Matt Millen will inexcusably be granted a contract extension.
93. Shawne Merriman will be drug tested at least 350 times during the season.
92. Tony Romo’s memo to self: Laces out.
91. Eric Mangini will become the official spokesman for “The Bro”. Or is it called “The Manzier”?
90. Clinton Portis will dress as Barry Bonds* cross-dressed as Paula Abdul.
89. Dogs throughout Atlanta will sleep more peacefully.
88. NFLPA Director Gene Upshaw will continue to threaten strangulation upon old punch drunk penniless ex-linemen when pension benefits are disputed.
87. After witnessing their rookie quarterback’s inaugural first series, a bronze statue of Tim Couch will be erected in front of Cleveland Browns Stadium by the hometown fans.
86. Art Shell will arouse from his coma, realize its 2007 and promptly fall back into unconsciousness.
85. Bryant Gumbel will succeed in his quest to evolving into the all-time least knowledgeable football broadcaster.
84. Joe Theismann’s legacy as the most annoying football commentator remains more secure than ever.
83. John Clayton will finally question why idiots such as Jay Mariotti or Woody Paige are permitted to comment on any football related matters.
82. Archie Manning confesses that younger son Eli was really adopted.
81. The irony that David Stern enforces a dress code to discourage hip hop attire while the NFL hassles suit wearing seeking straight-laced head coaches will finally be recognized.
80. After years of cruelty and abuse, Bill Belichick’s weather worn hoody tragically commits suicide.
79. Donovan McNabb’s mother beats the crap out of a Chunky Soup executive for cursing her son.
78. Jerry Jones shamelessly attempts to sue the City of New Orleans for trademark infringement of being the new sentimental “America’s Team”.
77. Ray Lewis’ linebacking skills on the field will not be as intimidating as his pre-game team huddle motivational pep schtick depicted by NFL Films.
76. Edgerrin James finally realizes that calling Emmitt Smith would probably have been a good idea.
75. Rex Grossman learns the hard way that throwing ill timed interceptions is not the best way to becoming “the next” Brett Favre.
74. Howie Long finally brags about allegedly banging Terri Hatcher while filming those Radio Shack commercials.
73. Sebastian Janikowski successfully boots a 38 yard field goal while balancing a beer can on his gut.
72. After being threatened with the loss of their jobs, Dallas Cowboys front office staff finally find Barry Switzer’s dusty old headset that is promptly given to Wade Phillips. Only instructions from Jerry Jones can be received through the listening device without any contact with the other coordinators.
71. The Cincinnatti Bengals are named Ohio’s Department of Correction Services’ brand new work release program.
70. Subsequently, Marvin Lewis’ title officially changes from “Head Coach” to “Warden”.
69. Favorite # of both Matt Leinart & Tom Brady. Kinda like Bowie and Jagger?
68. After Week #15 is completed, Michael Strahan is still is unable to make up his mind whether to play or not this season.
67. Terrell Owens informs the Jerry Jones that he will require another 200 million reasons to continue dropping passes for the Dallas Cowboys.
66. Ben Roethlisberger still cannot intelligently explain why he wears a helmet on a football field but not while riding a motorcycle.
65. The Buffalo Bills earnestly hope that J.P. Losman somewhat resembles Jim Kelly and nothing like Rob Johnson.
64. Joe Gibbs finally admits he should have stayed in NASCAR.
63. The Tennessee Titans couldn’t wait to get rid of Steve McNair last season but still will not officially cut the cord with PacMan Jones. Long live integrity in the NFL.
62. Prior to the season starting, Chad Johnson will pay his fines in advance to the No Fun League.
61. NFL referee Ed Hochuli will continue denying that he polishes his biceps with flaxseed oil.
60. Terry Bradshaw will finally admit that those FOX robots frighten him.
59. Peyton Manning’s agent will embarrassingly notify Tampax that yes indeed his client accepts the offer and is eager to be its official NFL spokesman.
58. CBS will begin to wonder why it was such a big deal to sign James Brown.
57. Michael Irvin will learn the hard way that Deion Sanders’ “Praise Jesus” proclamation does not garner discounts when attempting to score crack.
56. Bill Parcells will be named Rosie O’Donnell’s replacement on The View.
55. Erin Andrews already knows exactly why she was hired for those uber-important sideline interviews and doesn’t care.
54. Kurt Warner’s career will end in a freakish Vince Coleman-like injury while kneeing in prayer on the new Cardinals field as it will be wrapped off the surface.
53. Randy Moss will discover that he is not that much more interested playing football for New England as he was in Oakland.
52. Daunte Culpepper will be awfully thankful that JaMarcus Russell consulted him on whether he should hold out or not prior to training camp.
51. Dennis Green impatiently awaits for his Coors post-game press conference commercial.
50. After watching Varsity Blues, Jeremy Shockey will repeat James Van Der Beek’s laughable locker room speech to get rid of Tom Coughlin. Surprisingly, it will work.
49. Brian Billick will not explain how the Baltimore Ravens won a Super Bowl despite having Trent Dilfer as the starting quarterback.
48. The San Francisco 49ers will begin to enjoy their exodus out of salary cap purgatory. Security will be instructed to keep Eddie DeBartolo out of the stadium.
47. Just to prove that he really is smarter than everyone else, Mike Shanahan will re-sign Jake Plummer and bench Jay Cutler in the middle of a playoff race.
46. Drew Bledsoe will really miss grilling hamburgers in Arlington, Texas.
45. Reggie Bush will not care about being ignored by his Alma Mater for homecoming.
44. After careful deliberation, Tiki Barber will prematurely retire from NBC Football Night in America in order to pursue his dream of starring in a Broadway musical. New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriquez will faithfully attend every single one of Barber’s performances.
43. Joe Buck repeatedly will inquire, “Where’s Albert Pujols?” during an Arizona Cardinals broadcast.
42. John Gruden will be hired as a consultant to the next Chucky movie that will depict the doll coaching and simultaneously murdering a football team.
41. The Washington Redskins will hire Don Imus to explain with tremendous sensitivity to North American Natives why the team name is not “that” offensive.
40. Herman Edwards will emphatically be quoted, “You play the game to win…. And look damn good on HBO reciting cliches.”
39. New York Jets fans will enjoy an entire season of agonizing over the cranky hamstring of Thomas Jones.
38. The mystery of the anomalous companionship preferences of Brady Quinn will reach an all-time high when the beleaguered former Notre Dame QB finally admits to being “curious” over the rather manly Pink during a “promo” NBC taping.
37. Ricky Williams will send Miami Dolphins new head coach Cam Cameron celebratory high grade ganja along with a taping of a few CFL performances.
36. To the major disappointment of fans, the Carolina Panthers will refuse to incorporate new choreography dance routines inspired by Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas to their cheerleading squad.
35. Byron Leftwich will tragically discover that he cannot be dubbed “scrappy” a la David Eckstein because of pigmentation challenges.
34. Brian Urlacher will break the single season sack record after undergoing hypnosis to visualize every opposing quarterback as Tanya Robertson.
33. Every time newly acquired Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub will complete a pass this season, a puppy will inexplicably die in Atlanta.
32. When former NFL head honcho Paul Tagliabue will innocently suggest Roger Goodell to “lighten up”, he will be promptly suspended for the rest of the season.
31. Mike Holmgren finally will accept that Matt Hasselbeck never was nor never will be “the next” Brett Favre.
30. In exchange for a lighter prison sentence, disgraced NBA official Tim Donaghy will reveal to federal prosecutors the exact whereabouts of Jim Hoffa’s remains underneath Giants Stadium.
29. Tank Johnson will be re-arrested and promptly sentenced to death for committing the heinous crime of drinking a beer.
28. Rookie Baltimore Ravens quarterback Troy Smith will desperately click the heels of his cleats in vain hope that he can travel back in time to Ohio State.
27. Troy Aikman will be spotted purchasing a Jean Girard Fathead poster and continue denying what everyone already knows.
26. The San Diego Chargers finally will realize that their retro powder blue jerseys are way, way cooler.
25. Minnesota Vikings fans will still be mystified to why that guy from Evening Shade was hired to be the team’s Head Coach.
24. The Jacksonville Jaguars will admit that sharpening pencils and scoring extra Super Bowl tickets were the only sole reasons why Mike Tice was actually brought onto the team.
23. After a big win, new Alabama Crimson Tide Head Coach Nick Saban will overnight deliver the game ball to Wayne Huizenga and credit Larry Brown as a source of career inspiration.
22. The entire town of Green Bay will wildly celebrate when 8 inches of ice and snow are dumped on Lambeau Field for their home opener.
21. After spending an entire week intensely studying video on Willie Beaman and Cap Rooney, Dick Jauron will be shocked to learn that it was really just a movie.
20. Upon learning that they share the same blood type, Jeff Garcia will politely ask Chris Simms to fill out an organ donor card just in case.
19. Jake Delhomme will admit to being “creeped out” by the lavishing and rather unwarranted continual praise from a certain bald headed former Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback turned television commentator.
18. Chad Pennington will continue to deceive New York Jets fans as the next Broadway Joe.
17. Los Angeles will continue to complain about not having a NFL franchise but will also maintain its refusal to build a new stadium.
16. Not satisfied with just bringing back Jake Plummer, Mike Shanahan will continue exhibiting his superior intellect by attempting to convert kicker Jason Elam into a 1000 yard running back.
15. Chris Berman will resume a long standing tradition of irritating ESPN viewers with clichéd ridden, over dramatized NFL highlight recaps.
14. LaDainian Tomlinson will exact his revenge against the New England Patriots in Week#2.
13. Al Michaels will continue to be the consummate play by play professional and also quietly resent John Madden’s persistent flatulence in the broadcast booth.
12. After being franchise-tagged, [[Indiannapolis Colts] defensive end Dwight Freeney will urge his colleagues to pay more attention to collective bargaining agreement negotiations.
11. As will Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs who learned that “being the man” also meant understanding the realities of the current CBA.
10. Sean Salisbury’s stint in amateur pornography will rival the indignity of his football and television careers.
9. Cincinnati Bengals Odell Thurman and Tampa Bay Buccaneers Torrie Cox will continue to blame their alcoholism on everyone else but themselves.
8. Vince Young’s contract will be re-negotiated by the Tennessee Titans front office to include strict provisions against any “canine involvements”. As will nearly every other player.
7. Cris Collinsworth will unnecessarily continue to overcompensate for having a less impressive playing career by pretending to be more intelligent than Dan Marino or Chris Carter on HBO’s Inside the NFL.
6. Mike Ditka will succeed in his mission to revamp the woeful NFLPA pension fund for older ex-players who pioneered the game. A round of cigars in honor of Da Coach.
5. Drew Rosenhaus will continue to represent all that is wrong in the business world of professional sports by imitating the combined antics of fictional agents Ari Gold and Arliss Michaels.
4. The most exciting football played this season will not be the NFL or NCAA. Check out a local high school game or nearest Pop Warner field for further investigation.
3. The NFL will rightfully continue honoring the memory of former Arizona Cardinals safety Pat Tillman.
2. Made it all the way to #99 without mentioning Michael Vick once. Younger brother Marcus must now feel vindicated for being “the good son” in the family.
1. All true football fans of the NFL will dedicate this season to Bill Walsh who now co-shares the play calling responsibilities with Vince Lombardi. RIP.
